La Douleur Esquise
Excuse me for ripping off the Sex and the City episode, but I think I have an addiction to the pain. I mean really. Or I had so many constantly painful and stressful relationships that didn't work, that when one does work I sometimes feel like something's missing. And that thing is the pain, the stomach in knots nervous energy bouncing off the walls of your body driving you crazy. All consuming insecurity that fills your every day with an unquechable need for that guy. This is not to be confused with sweet true love. There is nothing true lovey about this. It is obsession. I know it, I don't want it, I hate it when I have it... Yet when I don't have it, I miss it.
I was just watching Felicity. Anyway it was the one after Noel didn't sleep with his ex and Felicity slept with the spunky art student Eli (which looks like it should be a girl's name, but aparently it's "eee-lye", so there you go). Anyway, so first Noel's all Mr Apologise-lots then Felicity tells him and it all goes to crap. But the worst thing about watching it, was that I got an urge (not one that I have any intention of following through on). This urge was to do something like that, sleep with some random (not that I'm physically capable of it, but that's another issue). Why? To fuck things up. Yes, I had an URGE to fuck things up. Why? For the painful drama. How screwed up is that? Seriously.
Anyway, I'm glad I realised how incredibly stupid my resoning was. But, what's scary is that I think some people do follow through on these urges for these exact reasons. They're happy with their current partner, but their relationship lacks drama. So they create it. Then they realise drama sucks, and vow not to repeat their actions in opther relationships. Then they feel like something's missing. I know I've done this to some degree. I don't know exactly how much of my relationship dramas were real and how much was fabricated inside my head to keep from feeling happily content.
Wow, that ended up in a different place than I thought it would. Random.
I was just watching Felicity. Anyway it was the one after Noel didn't sleep with his ex and Felicity slept with the spunky art student Eli (which looks like it should be a girl's name, but aparently it's "eee-lye", so there you go). Anyway, so first Noel's all Mr Apologise-lots then Felicity tells him and it all goes to crap. But the worst thing about watching it, was that I got an urge (not one that I have any intention of following through on). This urge was to do something like that, sleep with some random (not that I'm physically capable of it, but that's another issue). Why? To fuck things up. Yes, I had an URGE to fuck things up. Why? For the painful drama. How screwed up is that? Seriously.
Anyway, I'm glad I realised how incredibly stupid my resoning was. But, what's scary is that I think some people do follow through on these urges for these exact reasons. They're happy with their current partner, but their relationship lacks drama. So they create it. Then they realise drama sucks, and vow not to repeat their actions in opther relationships. Then they feel like something's missing. I know I've done this to some degree. I don't know exactly how much of my relationship dramas were real and how much was fabricated inside my head to keep from feeling happily content.
Wow, that ended up in a different place than I thought it would. Random.