forward dated to November 1st

[hislostlover]

[Things had unfolded just as Lilith dreamed. The sleeping price awoke and seemed to be recovering well according to Sister Kate. (He was already asking for soup and crackers. Such a silly man.) That left something else equally as important to care for; Lilith's relationship with Azula. Things had been strained since Abel's beheading for

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[emberandash]

[that first part hurt a part of Azula-- she knew it was selfish, especially since she knew that if she really had to force herself she would have to say that she felt the same way about Lisa in comparison to everyone else: she had people who she loved and who were extremely important to her, but the one who had become her mother was the one she always wanted to go to first; the one who knew things about her that no one else did; the one who was her "soulmate", in a way, even if there obviously was no romance involved]

[but she still remembered things that Lilith had said in the past ("I never loved them more than you"; differently, yes, but not more), and how she had told herself that Abel was included in that too, and it made her wonder what else Lilith had told her that she would see as a lie, even if it wasn't meant to be one]

[and that was what made her continue on to say what she had originally planned, even if Lilith's first response hadn't been what she'd expected]

When I first met you, I wasn't doing well. Not just because Lisa had been hurt, but because it was a difficult time for me. You helped. You're good at that. I know you don't like being a saint as far as the fame and reverence is concerned, but you like finding broken people to help.

And that's why I don't think you ever really wanted another sister. I saw you as one, I really did, but to you I was a project-- someone who was broken, who needed you to lean on, and to be fixed. And as I said, you did a good job with that. You helped. But it's been a couple of years since then, and I'm not broken anymore-- not really. I still have trouble with things sometimes, but I'm not a fragile doll that needs to be wrapped up and protected from everything. And really, I think that's what you want-- not a sister, not an equal, but someone just to take care of. A one-way relationship. I've--

[she pauses again, trying to keep her breath from catching]

I've outgrown you.

[hislostlover]

[Lilith doesn't agree with her assessment by any means. She had started off with the intention of helping her that, that much was true, but she loved her. They were sister. The side of her that was compelled to do whatever was best for the people she loved saw the writing on the wall. She was no longer useful to Azula. Her pain had gotten the better of her. For that reason she doesn't argue any of the charges against her. It is true. Azula has outgrown her. She no longer needed a sister so why continue to be that for her?

Her own thoughts or desires had no place in this. It's what landed her into trouble in the first place.]

Then you have outgrown me.

[emberandash]

I really loved you, when I thought we were sisters.

[she still does, of course, but she's trying not even to admit that to herself]

I really wanted to be a part of your family. Maybe if you had come here when you were younger...

[hislostlover]

Yes. Things were easier then. [That hurts her deeply; using words like loved and thought in regards to this. It's all past tense.]

I shouldn't keep you from your work any longer. [She's going to stand up.]

[emberandash]

[but Azula's still talking; she doesn't really know what to say, really, but she has thoughts and feelings that are wanting to come out-- and all this from someone who, just ten or so minutes ago, was doing the best she could to avoid Lilith completely]

I don't care about work. ... That's not true; I do, but I don't care about being late. I can keep talking.

[she wants to say "never mind; let's try again; you can think of me as more than a project and I can be your sister again; maybe you could even find a way to love me just as much; if Lisa can do it, can't you?"]

[the rational part of her brain is saying "but Lilith and Lisa aren't the same person"; the irrational part is bouncing back and forth between "if I were a better sister, she could do it" and "if she were a better sister, she could do it"]

... I can keep talking.

[hislostlover]

[Lilith holds in the urge to sigh. If they were going to continue this she doesn't believe she can keep up this up.]

Then may I be completely honest with you?

[emberandash]

... Yes.

[hislostlover]

You are not a project to me. I wanted to help you without any expectation about a future relationship.

I do not regret what we have become. In fact, it makes me very happy. If this isn't what you wish for anymore I won't stand in your way.

[emberandash]

I wanted a sister. A sister. I wanted to--

[she has to stop for a moment, catching her breath again and closing her eyes]

[she wants to say "never mind" again; to take everything back]

I don't know what to think.

[hislostlover]

Take your time then. [She really has so much of it.]

[emberandash]

[Azula draws her knees up to her chest; buries her face in them]

I don't know.

I love you.

[before she had been making a conscious decision to try to draw herself away by using "loved", but this time the present tense slipped out]

There's this girl. She lives on the world I've been staying on when I'm not at work or at Lisa's. I don't know why or how, but I love her, and I don't want to do this to her. I want her to know she's not a project to me.

[hislostlover]

She would never believe that. [Lilith shakes her head.] I've failed you, Azula.

I know you wouldn't make my mistakes.

[emberandash]

You didn't; I just wanted a different sort of relationship than you did. I wanted to be your sister; I wanted to complete you, too.

I don't know what she thinks of me. It doesn't matter what she does think of me, as long as she knows that I would never hurt her. Why is it like that? I've always cared before. If I really loved someone I always wanted them to love me back.

sorry no edit button

[hislostlover]

Your feelings for her are selfless. [Lilith explains fondly.]

<3

[emberandash]

Why?

[hislostlover]

You truly love her.