(no subject)
I always say I'm not going to update this thing anymore, I've had it since I was sixteen, almost five years - this is probably the longest thing I've ever semi committed to, and its on the internet- wierd?
life is crazy. I feel as though I have lost my mind over the last ten and a half months, I never thought I was crazy and never thought as myself as an emotional mess, but as of the last four or five months, I've began to realize that I am an emotional mess. I also, always thought of myself as being "well put together", up until recently. I go through these "phases" - if you call it that. I bring myself up really high with how I run my life - I got a better paying job - which I love - I'm feeling more grown up than I ever have - I'm beginning to see things a lot clearlier that I have in the last twenty one years of my life.
I'm incredibly self absorbed, very selfish, pretty naive and I have also learned that I can't entertain myself - which is sad. I used to be able to - with little things - now when I'm alone I over analyze everything and fall into self loathe.
I don't plan on ever loving anyone for a very long time - I don't want to be in a situation where I could potentially hurt someone, or be potentially hurt - like always I say this - this time I mean it. I finally know what love is, and it isn't good. I fell in love with someone who no longer sees me as he used to - and I'm a mess due to him & as much as I love him - I need to let it go because all I received out of this "relationship" was tears, and self doubt. my eyes will probably never be the same as they were when I looked at him, when he made me happy, and made me see things clearlier. He has forever changed me, and as much as I would love for him to be a part of my life - he never will be again - I'm in utter refusal to let him get the best of me once again - what he did to me isn't forgivable in any way,shape or form. My love for him is a famine.
friends come&go, I understand that when you're the ripe age of twenty one, you go through friends like crazy - and its incredibly pathetic - maybe from living in such an incestious community - I've lost all desire to make "new friends", instead I just sit at home&read, and only hang with a few people, its by choice.
I'm happier with the way I look more than ever, some say I'm vain, some say I'm confident - some say I'm a joke. I don't think I'm any of these. I'm comfortable.
new job rules, I work a lot.
I drink more than I ever have now.
I enjoy the small things in life.
I want to move to brooklyn.
I want to do more supercult shoots.
I want people to intrigue me, and living in a town that isn't emotionally satisfying - isn't doing the trick.
especially living 5 five minutes away from the person who is the bane of your existence.
thursdays playing november first.
josh grden comes home in a month, I'm excited. I miss him.
I get to see BPM soon.
I'm trying to keep in touch with the people who matter.
hope everyone is well.
life is crazy. I feel as though I have lost my mind over the last ten and a half months, I never thought I was crazy and never thought as myself as an emotional mess, but as of the last four or five months, I've began to realize that I am an emotional mess. I also, always thought of myself as being "well put together", up until recently. I go through these "phases" - if you call it that. I bring myself up really high with how I run my life - I got a better paying job - which I love - I'm feeling more grown up than I ever have - I'm beginning to see things a lot clearlier that I have in the last twenty one years of my life.
I'm incredibly self absorbed, very selfish, pretty naive and I have also learned that I can't entertain myself - which is sad. I used to be able to - with little things - now when I'm alone I over analyze everything and fall into self loathe.
I don't plan on ever loving anyone for a very long time - I don't want to be in a situation where I could potentially hurt someone, or be potentially hurt - like always I say this - this time I mean it. I finally know what love is, and it isn't good. I fell in love with someone who no longer sees me as he used to - and I'm a mess due to him & as much as I love him - I need to let it go because all I received out of this "relationship" was tears, and self doubt. my eyes will probably never be the same as they were when I looked at him, when he made me happy, and made me see things clearlier. He has forever changed me, and as much as I would love for him to be a part of my life - he never will be again - I'm in utter refusal to let him get the best of me once again - what he did to me isn't forgivable in any way,shape or form. My love for him is a famine.
friends come&go, I understand that when you're the ripe age of twenty one, you go through friends like crazy - and its incredibly pathetic - maybe from living in such an incestious community - I've lost all desire to make "new friends", instead I just sit at home&read, and only hang with a few people, its by choice.
I'm happier with the way I look more than ever, some say I'm vain, some say I'm confident - some say I'm a joke. I don't think I'm any of these. I'm comfortable.
new job rules, I work a lot.
I drink more than I ever have now.
I enjoy the small things in life.
I want to move to brooklyn.
I want to do more supercult shoots.
I want people to intrigue me, and living in a town that isn't emotionally satisfying - isn't doing the trick.
especially living 5 five minutes away from the person who is the bane of your existence.
thursdays playing november first.
josh grden comes home in a month, I'm excited. I miss him.
I get to see BPM soon.
I'm trying to keep in touch with the people who matter.
hope everyone is well.