The 1st Pregnancy Post
The last time I even wrote here was back in July of 2009 and in between there so much has happened that I couldn't even begin to relate it all. I'm having a hard time just remembering the big events that happened and in what order so maybe they weren't that big or I'm just too nervous right now to try and remember.
The biggest event, maybe I should start with that, is that I'm pregnant. Yeah, it finally happened and not in a way I expected it to. Steven and I weren't trying for a baby, but we weren't preventing either. So after 4 years we either hit the jackpot or Fate just finally caught up with us. I've really yet to decide which, and that's mostly based on his actions so far. I know I shouldn't base my feelings of this pregnancy on him alone, but it's the reason I'm up at 3:00 in the am anyway. I had the most horrible dream that I just woke up and texted him my feelings, to which I get a sort of rote response and something about going to sleep.
Basically I just said that I feel like getting pregnant was a mistake. O, not on my part, I've always wanted a child(though I wish I were a bit older and done with school), but on account of him. I feel as if he could care less about me, the baby or our feelings.
I should further note that his grandmother; yes, the one I've previously written about that didn't like me, died a little over a week ago so he's been stressed with that because of their relationship. So I understand that completely. I'm not grudging him that fact. I'm not mad that he's not more willing to talk to me right now. When it happened with an ex I just stayed away and we got back together when he was ready to talk. I'm not that selfish.
However, I also feel that even though she died it's no excuse to blow me off either. He's all fine with driving almost an hour away to be with his friends and play games, go talk about and look at cars, play video games and smoke weed, but when it comes to me....I get 2 min conversations and maybe a text. Yesterday, nothing at all. Before hand he would call everyday, text everyday and we would see each other almost all the time. He couldn't not be around me.
Which is why I feel like maybe this was a mistake. We should have been more cautious and waited. Maybe I just should have given in an gotten on birth control no matter how it makes me feel. I should have been more diligent in making him wear a condom. I should have, I should have, I should have. It takes two to baby dance, but society places the "should have" on me. I shouldn't care what society thinks, but it's the reality.
And I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to feel depressed and upset because the baby feels what I feel. Happy pregnancy equals happy baby. Sad, nervous, upset, depressed pregnancy and you get the picture. I'm trying to avoid crying as much as possible. I've cried once already. That day I just felt fat, gross, the house a mess. My mom came home and I was a mess. I started screaming about the house and everything superficial. That day I was throwing up from the morning sickness I'd had for nearly 2 months straight and was so upset and depressed, because I thought I was harming the baby with all the puking, I felt for almost 30 min that abortion was the best idea.
And when I first found out I was pregnant for sure, Jan 8, I went to talk to Steven and he said I knew what to do. I said I would call them the next day, which I did. I went into it thinking that I wasn't 100% sure, but maybe once I got up there I would be sure and this would be the end of it. But at the end of making the appt I had to listen to a message. It was then the whole thing fell apart. I listened to what they do. And it's not that I was scared of the pain, it's not that I have a problem with surgery. It's the fact that I felt that doing it would be the single biggest mistake of my life. After years of worrying I'd not be able to have children and this is the decision I make? Really? It would be a slap in the face of the God's to do it. And I just cried. I cried. I cried. I couldn't stop for almost an hour. And I'm not a crier.
I called my mom and told her I was pregnant. I felt after that nothing could be any worse. My mom was at work and couldn't be but so upset with me. I called crying and she told me to calm down. I tried, but couldn't. She said she'd call back. So I waited, shaking with sobs. She called back and told me she wasn't upset, but happy really. I felt a little better.
Right after I called a place that places children for adoption, and felt a whole lot better about that decision than abortion. However, I still wasn't happy with it, but they do open adoptions and there was a chance I could do one where you know the child and they know you, so I'd not feel as if I just left my baby on a doorstep and ran. However, I thought about it and I didn't know if after 9 months I could just do that. Plus I still had the feeling that it would be wrong because I've always wanted a child and it would possibly be a last opportunity. But on the upside I'd be giving a wonderful loving couple a wonderful gift.
As you can probably tell I didn't decide on adoption either. When the lady called back to talk more I told her we talked it over and we were keeping the baby. After I hung up I suddenly felt a twinge of guilt. What if someone were really looking forward to adopting this baby and I just denied them that? I mean nothing was ever definite. It's not like I had the family picked out, they were there the whole time or anything, but I felt for a time that maybe not adopting out was wrong because someone else wouldn't have their family. But this is a bit of a silly notion because, like I said, she just sent information and I had the decision. Well we, but I did mainly.
But backtracking a bit. After my mom came home she told me she wasn't upset, she was happy to be a grandmother because in the timeframe she was originally thinking, when I was in my later 20's and early 30's, she may not be able to hold any grandchildren at all because of her RA and maybe it was just best now. She told me when she was pregnant with me that she cried too. My dad was just as non-chalant about me as Steven is about this one. But this baby has at least one thing going good on Steven's behalf, Steven's not denied this one is his. My dad tried....but I look just like him. O his mom and grandmother were mad at that, but....that's another story.
So I had made the appt for the abortion and while I felt awful about it I told Steven I would go. Of course he didn't go with me on account of him saying that he had to work and something and what not. Though I felt that he should have taken off if this was a decision he and I both supposedly made. I got so horribly lost in the Richmond area, and was so upset because of it, that when I got better directions and still got lost I decided it just wasn't in the cards for me to do it. Abortion wasn't right.
I drove back and went to a baby store and just looked around. I guess I was having the baby and I better aquaint myself with the products. Plus it made me feel better and not like such a loser.
I got home and told Steven I got lost and couldn't deal with having one. Turns out he couldn't either. He said he didn't want to go because he knew he'd back out. I wasn't supposed to do it, much less alone.
A few days after that started the turmoil that made me wish I had gone through with it though. I had terribly morning sickness. I woke up tired. Just really tired. I knew that was a part of pregnancy and just slept that day. My mom called and I asked for a salad and that was the single worst food decision I made. I think that's what triggered it. Something about that salad tasted nasty and after that food was almost a no go. I was fine for a few days with just being sick to my stomach, but after that I was throwing up everyday a few times a day. I tried all the remedies. I tried crackers, salty snacks, ginger ale, apple sauce(which worked the best), bread, pretzels, lemons etc. You name it I tried it. After a while I just ate to have something on my stomach to puke up because otherwise it was stomach acid and that burns coming up and made my nose bleed. O, I had plenty of nose bleeds.
Because of this sickness my work performance suffered. I hated moving more than I had to. Talking was even a chore. I kept all conversation to a minimum. We have to do 10 calls at work when we get a chance and I did my 10 and was done. I cleaned, did the stuff I had to and after that....I sat. I had to sit in positions that helped to keep nausea to a low, but no relief. I hurt so bad the entire time. My stomach felt like something was gnawing on it for two months straight. No matter what I ate...gnawing. When I ate gnawing. When it was time to go I left. I even tried to call in some days. Yeah, I was just bad. I even let tears fall at work and didn't care if the DM walked in and saw me sitting doing nothing. I'd just puke on her shoes and she'd just deal with it.
Because of this, and insurance issues, I had a very hard time finding a doctor in the area. No one would take me without some type of maternity insurance, regardless of the fact that I have insurance. I just felt it was stupid all around. If I have insurance I can have some things done and would have to figure out the rest. Stupid insurance also would make you wait 6 months of having maternity insurance before you could conceive(because everyone has 100% control over that) before they'd begin to pay for things. I felt that was very stupid. It's basically saying when a couple can start to have kids and who are the insurance people to tell them that?
But that aside because it no longer matters, Patrice referred me to MCV. That's where she goes for her doctor's appts and she doesn't pay very much. I gave them a call, went to Financial Aid and went my first appt, with a midwife, on March 10. I was very excited because I was feeling better at the time and I was happy to just finally get some medical attention.
I was scolded for waiting so long, not waiting just having no luck really, but she was great. Megan Batten was her name. She answered nearly all my questions before I even could ask them. She gave me a prescription for the nausea, which I've taken a few(I've been pretty good since, just a few off days) and she told me I could take Flintstone's vitamins! Yes, the one for kids! I'm so happy because I love taking them. So twice a day I take those in place of the regular pre-natals because I can't keep those down.
My mom went with me, after a parking disaster, and I was weighed. I started at 104(I went to my GP to confirm I was pregnant) and found out I was 95lbs. I was so upset by that because I know I'm not supposed to lose weight at this point in time. She said to just try to eat any and everything, but try to make it healthy. So I've been following that advice and to avoid apples and oranges as much as possible on an empty stomach because the acidity wasn't helping.
She offered to have some tests done that I can't remember what all of them were. But since I never got a phone call about the results I figured everything was fine. Turns out that if they don't call you're good to go. If you really want to know then call. I'm fine with not calling.
I got to hear the heartbeat! About 150. And it was loud and strong. All on the left side of me too. You can hear the echo sound on the right, but on the left it was like the heart was right in the microphone thing. I didn't feel pregnant, just sick all the time, until I heard the heartbeat. I was so amazed to think that there are two hearts on the inside and I connected even further with the little munchkin. My mom was smiling big.
I asked questions about labour and stuff. They asked if I wanted to have a boy circumsized and my mom answered for me. Luckily Steven told my previously that he did so if it's a boy he will be. Not my body part, not my decision(or my mom's). She said that if I make all my appts and I'm good then I can continue with the midwives, I should be meeting them all, and that I don't have to do any unnecessary meds and I told her I have a fear of C-sections because of my hatred of scalpels. (I'll talk about that in another post.) I just don't even want to have the damn things in the room. That's the worst pain ever!
So I made my appts for the next month and in 2 days I find out the gender of my baby! Then on the 9th it's my next appt. Everyone at MCV was so nice and helpful and it's so clean.
On the way back from getting my bloodwork done(and the nurse who took my blood was a pro. She did it quickly, painlessly(well as painless as it's going to get) and no bruising like normal. If I have to have more work done I want her. She was awesome.
I saw my friend Mike up there. He likes the hospital too. Poor thing had a brain tumour and surgery and just all manner of issues. But he's in good spirits. He's up, walking, talking, and just happy to be alive so I'm not mad at that. And I'm extremely happy to hear he's doing as well as can be expected in his circumstances and that's he's not getting down or anything. He told me his doctors there keep well informed of each other and that he'd rather not go elsewhere. So I'm extra encouraged with his recommendation of the hospital if something were ot happen I know I'm not going to feel left out of anything.
Not only that, but a friend from high school, a page really, also works there and she likes the work environment. She studying to become a doctor, so again that's reassuring. Plus the other people I ran into helping me to find places were all very, very, very helpful even at the end of the day and I was acting stupid getting lost.
O....what else can I say about the midwife....O! no question I asked was too stupid. She said I didn't really have to have certain tests done because I wasn't in the at risk catergory, unless I wanted to, because of my being a young African-American, but I did ask if Steven's being white made a difference. (They were genetic tests) She said no it wouldn't. My mom had looked at me like I was a dummy for asking, but I figure his genes do make something of a difference on some genetic tests.
But yeah, she was really nice. Young looking. I would never have pegged her for being in her 30's. She looked like she was my age. And she thought I was even younger. So we had a laugh over that.
I got a bunch of information to look over and I need to sign up for some classes here soon. I also need to go baby shopping once we have some room in the house to put things.
I'm due August 16. My mom wants me to hold out until the 18. But the baby will make their appearence when they're good and well ready. But I think it would be nice because then my mom can't forget the baby's birthday. She forgets Jaden's all the time and he was born the day before her.
So August will be packed with birthday's. Aphrodite, Aleena, William, my mom, Steven, Jaden and the baby. Just very busy. My cousin is also getting married on August 14. I really want to go. But I may not be able to. I dunno, we'll have to wait and see. Maybe the date will be pushed back after the ultrasound.
O and we have names for the baby already picked out. Last name we're still working on. For a girl she'll be Alessandra Mary Elizabeth. For a boy Colton Noah.
He is saying that he wants to name the boy Ivan now, after his grandmother, but my mom and I both feel this is a bad idea because she didn't like me, or the idea of him dating me, much less having children with me (and she never knew). My mom feels that it's a bit of a slap in the face. I do too because why should I have to deal with a name I don't really even like, much less, over a person who would have had nothing to do with the baby, or its mother, anyway. I know it's to honor her, but still. If my mom didn't like Steven I'd not name the girl after her. She'd be named after me. (And I'm slick with that because I'm named after my mom ;-) )
So that's really the big updates on the pregnancy so far. I'm about 20 weeks, about 5 months, and I'm just now really starting to get a belly. I had to go shopping for some larger clothes and I'm being told I'll be pretty much all out front like I swallowed a basketball so I might get lucky and just have to buy a few maternity jeans. The shirts though I can wear after the baby gets here because they're larges that don't make me look big because I bought them before the belly showed up.
My brother is fascinated with the pregnancy though. He was asking me what it felt like to have a human inside kicking and punching. He even asked me if I believed in God now, moreso than I did before. He's just all ready fo rmore questions. I told him I wanted him there if he could be because I trust him a lot and he works at a hospital so I'd feel really calm with him there just incase anything went wrong. Not that I wouldn't trust the doctors, but it's helpful to have someone on the inside like that.
O, I just keep remembering things and then forgetting them, after the baby is born I'm going to have the baby's name tattooed on me somewhere, but I'm not sure where. I'm thinking either my wrist or my other foot. Or having the name tattooed on my foot where the other tattoo is and just adding more stars to it also. I'll ask again when I get closer to having it done. I can't right now or until the baby is older.
And I will be taking belly photos soon. I haven't because I've just recently really had something to show off. Otherwise I just look like I ate too much or I'm a rescue kid from Africa. Now I look pregnant over fat. And my shirts make me look pregnant over fat. I told my mom that my shirts make me look pregnant and she said well you are. Well yeah, but I look like I'm pregnant to the point people can tell I'm actually pregnant. Before people thought I just walked really funny.
And the cat has been taking the whole pregnancy thing in stride. When I first told her there was going to be another baby in the house she bit me hard. Since we refer to her as the baby I think she thought we were getting another cat. But when I told her that it was a human baby, like Vladimir, she seemed to not be as mad. She did avoid me for a few days. Now she's all lovey. She likes to lay on my stomach and purr. She likes me to hold her like a baby more often and she gets more treats so she's a real happy camper.
My only concern is that she will try to smack the baby once it's home to wake the baby up if the baby cries and goes to sleep. She tried to do that with Vladimir and I think she thought he was supposed to make all that noise and when he wasn't she thought he was broke or something. Either that or she was mad because he was crying so much and he was disturbing her 10 pm rest time. Either way she was going to get it if she touched him.