Jan 02, 2012 06:25
2 Years ago today I lost one of the most important people in my life. He was my rock, my friend, my biggest supporter but most of all he was my father. It was a loosened blood clot from his lungs that shot right to is head that took him from me. I know your looking down on me but I want you to know that I miss you and Love you more than anything. I would do anything, ANYTHING to have you back for just one more day, one more hour even. I miss talking to you, I miss calling you panda, I miss our jokes, I miss your hugs, I miss your random dancing, I miss hearing you snore in the next room while you slept, I miss our family, I miss living in the house.. I miss everything. Things got worse when you left. I got worse when you left. I stopped fighting and let my depression take over me, I watched helplessly as my life started to fall apart. Every time I think I'd fix one part of my life that fell apart or I think I made the right choice another thing would take it's place. I have done everything I could since that day 2 years ago to make you proud of me and I just feel like a colossal failure. It's times like this that I'd talk to you about that and you'd listen and then point out everything I had done that wasn't a fuck up and remind me to look at everything and not just the bad. You'd always, ALWAYS understand me and know just what to say.
I will never forget that night. You wanted me to go home. Get out of the hospital and away from everything because it was depressing. You told me to bring the bills and the checkbook so you could write them out, told me to go home and see the cats, eat dinner, and get some sleep so I could go to work the next day. You huged me, gave me a kiss and your last words to me were "Be safe, stay warm I love you and I'll see you tomorrow." Mine was a simple "Yea." I left. Then on the way home from Border's in Orland my cell began to ring. The countless phone calls from Hal, Chels and Lorri telling me to get to the hospital right now. I asked what was wrong, what was going on but everyone just kept telling me to get there. But it was Hal, the one person who was like your brother, that told me. Those 4 words that still echo in my head, that still make my blood run cold. "Heather, Mark's passed away." I lost it, I screamed into the phone and began to sob. I started to called everyone, Mom, Work, Linda, Jess, Grandma.. anyone I thought I needed to call..and kept saying the same thing while sobbing "He's dead, he'd dead. My dad's dead" and then hanging up and making the next call. I have no idea how I got to Grandma's, I don't remember driving the car even, but I made it to gram's and she rushed me to the hospital. I remember running. running everywhere. I remember seeing Laura, Strech, Hal and Chels in a room but I ran. I ran strait to your room in the ICU and there you were. Laying there and then I began to sob. I remember wailing and falling to my knees next to the bed. My crying must have been loud enough to let everyone know I was there because then I felt hands on my shoulders and heard muffled sounds that must have been words from everyone telling me how sorry they were. I think everyone in the ICU hated me after that night because I was wailing so loud.
Going home that night was the worst feeling in the world. I walked into the house knowing that you'd never come back to it. You'd never be sitting on the back couch watching tv when I got home from work. I'd never wake up in the early morning and hear you in the kitchen getting ready to go to work, I'd never hear the sound of you firing up the bike in the driveway in summer. You were really gone and that made me so scared. I felt so alone, so un prepared for what was going to happen next. I faced so much uncertainty that I just... shut down. I woke up, I fed the cats and Terrin, go to work and come home. I'd go shopping when I had too but I didn't do much else. My life just kinda stopped for a while. I stopped cleaning up the house, I stopped going into the back of the house. I still feel like my life is still on pause and everything I'm doing now is just... happening.
I guess when it boils down to everything I just want you to know I miss you and I love you. I know you'll always be looking after me but it's not the same. It will never be the same.
dad