stop the striving
I don't like when I strive to be accepted by people. Not only in my actions, but even in my words, my intentions, the secret motives of my heart. How many times have I written something just to impress some person I thought to be important. How many times have I bought a piece of clothing and convinced myself I loved it, all the while deep down knowing I only liked it if it could somehow make so and so like me more. How many times have I compromised who I am for who someone else thinks I should be. Or even worse, what I think they think I should be. I don't like that side of me. I like whoever I really am. Who I am when no one is looking and im comfortable enough to let go, to say what I want, laugh when I want to, cry when I feel tears coming. I like to write. I like to write and I like to read. And those are not trivial things to me. They are deep parts of who I am. Even my journal entries are in a real way a window to my soul. I've written in journals since I was 9 years old. Now I am 25 and I still find solace holding a pen and scribbling on a decorated pad. I like to dance. I like to sing and pretend that I am playing the piano as I press my fingers into the carpet or a nearby table. One day I would like to really play the piano. One day I would like to sing and play the piano without the fear of embrassment hindering me. Lately I like hummus, vegi burgers, egg salad, and a bunch of other strange foods I once found quite unappealing. I like me, even in my weaknesses. Even with my fears, jealousies, insecurites and sharp words. I like me and I know that God adores me. And I wish I saw myself more the way he does and less through the eyes of others. I wish I was more like him in the way that I love, the way that I speak, the way that I envision.
Tommorow I will be moving in with Pastor Ben and his lovely wife Marty. I will be moving into their daughters room while she is England for 6 months. I will be being loved and discipled by them. I don't know exactly what it will all look like but I have faith that this season is nessecary for me to be who God calls me to be. I'm a little nervous but more exicted. This is a adventure and I pray I am up for it.
Tommorow I will be moving in with Pastor Ben and his lovely wife Marty. I will be moving into their daughters room while she is England for 6 months. I will be being loved and discipled by them. I don't know exactly what it will all look like but I have faith that this season is nessecary for me to be who God calls me to be. I'm a little nervous but more exicted. This is a adventure and I pray I am up for it.