I need perfect love
I took a leadership test today and it said I was Adolf Hitler. My fellow brothers and sisters got Mother Theresa, JFK, Albert Einstein and I got Adolf Hitler. Humph. The caption said that I was Adolf because I was paranoid and looking to constantly protect myself from my imagined enemies. I take it as a sign that I have just too much anxiety in my heart. I have struggled for years with fear, almost every type you can imagine. Fear that someone's going to break into my house and kidnap me. Fear that I am going to get hit by a car. Fear that I will never fufill God's purposes for me. Fear, Fear and more fear. Sometimes its subtle, sometimes I feel on the verge of hysteria, but regardless of how strong or weak it seems it just is always there. I want to be free from this and I know I can be. After all the Bible does say that perfect love casts out fear. So I know my fear is partly because I don't trust God's hand of protection over my life. Lately the fear of getting hit on the road is the most present. Right before I came to D.C I got in a little accident and then I got in another one near Christmas and its caused me to be so paranoid whenever I get in a car. Its like I hold my breath when I'm riding around because I'm afraid that any moment will be my last. I truly need deliverance. And I mean that. I feel I need real freedom from this. God does not want me to live in this because its tormenting and where the spirit of the Lord is there is liberty, not bondage to fear or anxiety.
The kidnapping fear is by far the worst one that I've ever dealt with. I've dealt with that for years, ever since I was a young girl. Even now it still seems so real. I came home over Christmas and had to stay alone in my moms big house and there were times I was terrified. I literally was watching the doors and planning my escape route. It was more than ridiculous. I think alot of my fears stem from childhood. I think doors were opened and that I can't recall that allowed fear and torment to come in. But I'm not a child anymore and I know Jesus did not die on the cross and raise again to watch me cowering in fear like a dear caught in headlights. He wants me to be free and I want it to, desperately. I think I need deep healing in my heart.
On another non-related note, I love the streams in the desert devotional. It is truly the best devotional ever written, in my humble opinion of course. I have my own copy of the book but usually I just read it online cause I left my copy in CT. I really enjoyed today's message so I thought I'd share. Today I was struggling with knowing the exact plans God has for me at this exact moment. My lack of trust drives me to constantly ask him to spell out what tommorow and the next day will hold. Sometimes its just so hard for me to not feel the need to know what will happen in my life. The biggest issue today was the the Black church and I. Lately I feel that God really desires to make me a voice to the black community. That is something I prayed about in the past and I do desire that but I also see the lack of love I have towards them and the judgement I carry in my heart. I have judged the black church more than I care to mention. I feel God wants to use me to reach them but I know I can't without a real love for them. I need to love them more than I love myself, like Paul loved the Jewish people. He loved them so much he was willing to lay down his life for them and be accursed and cut off if it would bring salvation to them. I need that type of extreme love,even if most of them hate Bush and don't vote according to their moral convictions they are still children of God who are loved and desired by him. I know I need to love them but I also need to realize that it may not happen all in one day. As I submit to God he will develop that love in me. Today I was taking it in my own strength and it was driving me crazy. Perhaps I will write another entry about that soon. I feel there is so much to say about my realtionship to the black community. The rejection I've felt from them in the past, the love/hate relationship, the potential I see in them..there's alot. So I'll write about that another time. But back to the devo. God wants me to be still and trust in him during this season of my life. As he's leading me to death in areas, as I'm seeking to obey him, as I'm trying to figure out who I am and where I am going. Throughout all of it I must trust and be still. So without further adieu..
Sit Still
by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman
"Ye shall not go out with haste" (Isa. 52:12).
I do not believe that we have begun to understand the marvelous power there is in stillness. We are in such a hurry--we must be doing--so that we are in danger of not giving God a chance to work. You may depend upon it, God never says to us, "Stand still," or "Sit still," or "Be still," unless He is going to do something.
This is our trouble in regard to our Christian life; we want to do something to be Christians when we need to let Him work in us. Do you know how still you have to be when your likeness is being taken?
Now God has one eternal purpose concerning us, and that is that we should be like His Son; and in order that this may be so, we must be passive. We hear so much about activity, may be we need to know what it is to be quiet. --Crumbs
Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Nor deem these days--these waiting days--as ill!
The One who loves thee best, who plans thy way,
Hath not forgotten thy great need today!
And, if He waits, 'tis sure He waits to prove
To thee, His tender child, His heart's deep love.
Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Thou longest much to know thy dear Lord's will!
While anxious thoughts would almost steal their way
Corrodingly within, because of His delay
Persuade thyself in simple faith to rest
That He, who knows and loves, will do the best.
Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Nor move one step, not even one, until
His way hath opened. Then, ah then, how sweet!
How glad thy heart, and then how swift thy feet
Thy inner being then, ah then, how strong!
And waiting days not counted then too long.
Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
What higher service could'st thou for Him fill?
'Tis hard! ah yes! But choicest things must cost!
For lack of losing all how much is lost!
'Tis hard, 'tis true! But then--He giveth grace
To count the hardest spot the sweetest place.
--J. D. Smith
The kidnapping fear is by far the worst one that I've ever dealt with. I've dealt with that for years, ever since I was a young girl. Even now it still seems so real. I came home over Christmas and had to stay alone in my moms big house and there were times I was terrified. I literally was watching the doors and planning my escape route. It was more than ridiculous. I think alot of my fears stem from childhood. I think doors were opened and that I can't recall that allowed fear and torment to come in. But I'm not a child anymore and I know Jesus did not die on the cross and raise again to watch me cowering in fear like a dear caught in headlights. He wants me to be free and I want it to, desperately. I think I need deep healing in my heart.
On another non-related note, I love the streams in the desert devotional. It is truly the best devotional ever written, in my humble opinion of course. I have my own copy of the book but usually I just read it online cause I left my copy in CT. I really enjoyed today's message so I thought I'd share. Today I was struggling with knowing the exact plans God has for me at this exact moment. My lack of trust drives me to constantly ask him to spell out what tommorow and the next day will hold. Sometimes its just so hard for me to not feel the need to know what will happen in my life. The biggest issue today was the the Black church and I. Lately I feel that God really desires to make me a voice to the black community. That is something I prayed about in the past and I do desire that but I also see the lack of love I have towards them and the judgement I carry in my heart. I have judged the black church more than I care to mention. I feel God wants to use me to reach them but I know I can't without a real love for them. I need to love them more than I love myself, like Paul loved the Jewish people. He loved them so much he was willing to lay down his life for them and be accursed and cut off if it would bring salvation to them. I need that type of extreme love,even if most of them hate Bush and don't vote according to their moral convictions they are still children of God who are loved and desired by him. I know I need to love them but I also need to realize that it may not happen all in one day. As I submit to God he will develop that love in me. Today I was taking it in my own strength and it was driving me crazy. Perhaps I will write another entry about that soon. I feel there is so much to say about my realtionship to the black community. The rejection I've felt from them in the past, the love/hate relationship, the potential I see in them..there's alot. So I'll write about that another time. But back to the devo. God wants me to be still and trust in him during this season of my life. As he's leading me to death in areas, as I'm seeking to obey him, as I'm trying to figure out who I am and where I am going. Throughout all of it I must trust and be still. So without further adieu..
Sit Still
by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman
"Ye shall not go out with haste" (Isa. 52:12).
I do not believe that we have begun to understand the marvelous power there is in stillness. We are in such a hurry--we must be doing--so that we are in danger of not giving God a chance to work. You may depend upon it, God never says to us, "Stand still," or "Sit still," or "Be still," unless He is going to do something.
This is our trouble in regard to our Christian life; we want to do something to be Christians when we need to let Him work in us. Do you know how still you have to be when your likeness is being taken?
Now God has one eternal purpose concerning us, and that is that we should be like His Son; and in order that this may be so, we must be passive. We hear so much about activity, may be we need to know what it is to be quiet. --Crumbs
Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Nor deem these days--these waiting days--as ill!
The One who loves thee best, who plans thy way,
Hath not forgotten thy great need today!
And, if He waits, 'tis sure He waits to prove
To thee, His tender child, His heart's deep love.
Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Thou longest much to know thy dear Lord's will!
While anxious thoughts would almost steal their way
Corrodingly within, because of His delay
Persuade thyself in simple faith to rest
That He, who knows and loves, will do the best.
Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Nor move one step, not even one, until
His way hath opened. Then, ah then, how sweet!
How glad thy heart, and then how swift thy feet
Thy inner being then, ah then, how strong!
And waiting days not counted then too long.
Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
What higher service could'st thou for Him fill?
'Tis hard! ah yes! But choicest things must cost!
For lack of losing all how much is lost!
'Tis hard, 'tis true! But then--He giveth grace
To count the hardest spot the sweetest place.
--J. D. Smith