lights and sounds
It was loud and smokey in there. I tried to focus on your face. You seemed so frightened; looking for someone to save you. It was too loud.
You asked me, if I still loved you, how I could do this? That it's my turn to prove that I care. The sound muffled. The room started spinning over and under me and the last thing I heard was your lips push out actions speak louder than words. It's all black now.
It felt like I was driving through a tunnel. Everything was rushing towards me at violent speeds, and in a split seccond I was in a silent darkness. I've heard that some people see a light. I didn't see a light, but I think I understand that now. I saw things; like memories I had made but never really thought about. I saw the child version of myself sit under the willow tree in my front yard. I held my baby doll close to my chest, grabbed my picinic basket full of baby clothes and the essentials, and consoled my psuedo-child, urging that we needed to out; run away. Then my father came outside and called me in for dinner. I felt my back agaisnt my bed and saw my feet on the floor I stared at, while I listened to the angry arguments in the next room. And I remembered how wrong it made me feel inside. I saw the boy who stole my first kiss from me, and the hole in the leaf I stared at while a boy made me cry in the bushes, stealing what was left of my innocense. I saw the moment I first experienced beauty with those extrodinary blue eyes pierceing my soul, while his mouth moved to tell me I was hated. I saw myself terrified in the dark woods, frantically trying to keep up with a boy who was frantically trying to keep up with himself as a cold what fell off of his lips when I began to cry. And then I saw you. I saw you standing infront of me that time I wanted to badly to tell you I loved you and make everything okay again. But the look in your eyes told me that you could taste him in my kiss and all I could say to you is how it's loud and smokey in here.
My eyes slowly opened to a fuzzy image of everything from a akward angle. Your face seemed enormous until I realzied I was on the floor and you were holding my head up with your hands. I could tell you were still angry, but you helped me up, rubbed my back and as you put your arm around me, you told me we should get back to the car. That was always something I admired about you; you never stopped taking care of me. I tried to kiss you but you turned your head and in a dissapointed tone, reminded me that I couldn't walk straight. I cried, and managed to get out one of those I wish you still loved me's. You stopped dead in your tracks, grabbed my face and waited until my eyes caught up with yours. You told me that if you didn't love me you would have left me on the floor, and to come on, we were going to go back to your place. I pretened to walk to the car on my own, but your hands never left my hips. You told me to put myseatbelt on, and I told you how I wished I was a better writter and how if I was, I would write my story for you; that every thought I've ever had that I never knew how to say to you, woud be right there on paper for you. And I told you that if you ever read it, you would fall madly in love with me because I had already fallen hard for you. I said not to laugh because even under the alcohol on my breath, you knew I was being honest. You agreed to humor me and noticed a yawn. I might have a concusion from the nasty fall I took and I couldn't fall asleep on the car ride back, you told me. I tried telling you that I was only resting my eyes, but you shook my knees with your hand and asked me to stay awake, for you. For you. Anything for you; I promised. You should have let me sleep. I tried to put on my cutest face when I asked if I could listen to what I wanted on the radio. I've got the feeling that you weren't laughing at how cute I was being. I lost myself in the songs and you kept looking over to make sure I was still consious. All the lights looks so brightly blurry and my squinting eyes were making my head hurt. It was green. The light was green and it wasn't your fault. You looked over at me one last time. One more time, just before the other car hit. It was loud, and the lights were swirling around me. It went black again.
When my eyes opened this time, you weren't there to hold my head up; only a stranger. I tried to understand what was going on; I tried so hard. But all I saw were bright flashing lights and the only sounds I could make out were sirens and bits of the many conversations going on around me. D.O.A. they said. Dead on arrival.
So I'm writing this to you now. To tell you that I'm sorry for all those things I could never un-do and all the times you never stopped loving me because of it. And because I can't help but wonder. Did you see any of those memories you had made but never really thought about? Did you see a light? I bet you saw the light.
You asked me, if I still loved you, how I could do this? That it's my turn to prove that I care. The sound muffled. The room started spinning over and under me and the last thing I heard was your lips push out actions speak louder than words. It's all black now.
It felt like I was driving through a tunnel. Everything was rushing towards me at violent speeds, and in a split seccond I was in a silent darkness. I've heard that some people see a light. I didn't see a light, but I think I understand that now. I saw things; like memories I had made but never really thought about. I saw the child version of myself sit under the willow tree in my front yard. I held my baby doll close to my chest, grabbed my picinic basket full of baby clothes and the essentials, and consoled my psuedo-child, urging that we needed to out; run away. Then my father came outside and called me in for dinner. I felt my back agaisnt my bed and saw my feet on the floor I stared at, while I listened to the angry arguments in the next room. And I remembered how wrong it made me feel inside. I saw the boy who stole my first kiss from me, and the hole in the leaf I stared at while a boy made me cry in the bushes, stealing what was left of my innocense. I saw the moment I first experienced beauty with those extrodinary blue eyes pierceing my soul, while his mouth moved to tell me I was hated. I saw myself terrified in the dark woods, frantically trying to keep up with a boy who was frantically trying to keep up with himself as a cold what fell off of his lips when I began to cry. And then I saw you. I saw you standing infront of me that time I wanted to badly to tell you I loved you and make everything okay again. But the look in your eyes told me that you could taste him in my kiss and all I could say to you is how it's loud and smokey in here.
My eyes slowly opened to a fuzzy image of everything from a akward angle. Your face seemed enormous until I realzied I was on the floor and you were holding my head up with your hands. I could tell you were still angry, but you helped me up, rubbed my back and as you put your arm around me, you told me we should get back to the car. That was always something I admired about you; you never stopped taking care of me. I tried to kiss you but you turned your head and in a dissapointed tone, reminded me that I couldn't walk straight. I cried, and managed to get out one of those I wish you still loved me's. You stopped dead in your tracks, grabbed my face and waited until my eyes caught up with yours. You told me that if you didn't love me you would have left me on the floor, and to come on, we were going to go back to your place. I pretened to walk to the car on my own, but your hands never left my hips. You told me to put myseatbelt on, and I told you how I wished I was a better writter and how if I was, I would write my story for you; that every thought I've ever had that I never knew how to say to you, woud be right there on paper for you. And I told you that if you ever read it, you would fall madly in love with me because I had already fallen hard for you. I said not to laugh because even under the alcohol on my breath, you knew I was being honest. You agreed to humor me and noticed a yawn. I might have a concusion from the nasty fall I took and I couldn't fall asleep on the car ride back, you told me. I tried telling you that I was only resting my eyes, but you shook my knees with your hand and asked me to stay awake, for you. For you. Anything for you; I promised. You should have let me sleep. I tried to put on my cutest face when I asked if I could listen to what I wanted on the radio. I've got the feeling that you weren't laughing at how cute I was being. I lost myself in the songs and you kept looking over to make sure I was still consious. All the lights looks so brightly blurry and my squinting eyes were making my head hurt. It was green. The light was green and it wasn't your fault. You looked over at me one last time. One more time, just before the other car hit. It was loud, and the lights were swirling around me. It went black again.
When my eyes opened this time, you weren't there to hold my head up; only a stranger. I tried to understand what was going on; I tried so hard. But all I saw were bright flashing lights and the only sounds I could make out were sirens and bits of the many conversations going on around me. D.O.A. they said. Dead on arrival.
So I'm writing this to you now. To tell you that I'm sorry for all those things I could never un-do and all the times you never stopped loving me because of it. And because I can't help but wonder. Did you see any of those memories you had made but never really thought about? Did you see a light? I bet you saw the light.