[Milliways] OOM: London, February 2007
As she eats each passing day, Sarah Jane grows more and more restless in her hospital room. It had almost seemed a strange sensation the first day, when the nurse brought dinner shortly after Dr Traviss had left. She had been unable to eat much that meal: only a very small portion of the Sheppard’s pie that had come with it. The next day, for breakfast, she had found herself capable of eating little more. And so the trend had continued.
It isn’t easy though. She still can’t find that appetite she once had. Sarah eats until she’s eaten enough to please Valerie and then she stops. All the therapy sessions in the world, it seems, are incapable of mending her heart. Sarah Jane still silently hopes James will come back. She wishes this was all a nightmare. All the therapy sessions in the world are incapable of her understanding James’ choices at the moment.
Yet, slowly she learns about what it means to be a parent. Yes, her own emotions (the heartache she is certain she will always bear) are important. But what is more so is Valerie. She had reached this conclusion before, but it had never seemed to stick. She had promised Dr Ross that she would eat. Instead, she had wound up in the hospital with an IV feeding both herself and her daughter the nutrition she had denied them. This time, though, Sarah feels more determined. Her talks with Dr Traviss this past week have done a lot. Sarah feels as if she’s learning.
She’s been reminded that, as much as it hurts to be abandoned now, that isn’t her future forever. James may still change his mind. He may, as her psychiatrist puts it, stop feeling afraid when he holds his own daughter. But, he tells her day after day, she’ll always have Valerie. And isn’t that something? Having a child, he tells her, is the most rewarding experience one can have. Seven and a half months pregnant now, Sarah Jane thinks that she may agree.
So, finally, the day comes that Dr Traviss promises she’ll be released the next day. Sarah has made enough progress with her mental and physical state that he deems it safe to treat her outpatient rather than keep her confined. Sarah Jane beams with joy at that, promising him that she’ll continue to eat and make every appointment to see him at his clinic.
The only problem, she realizes as she carefully dresses herself in the maternity clothing she came in with, is that it means seeing James.
And it means all the heartache will come right back.
It isn’t easy though. She still can’t find that appetite she once had. Sarah eats until she’s eaten enough to please Valerie and then she stops. All the therapy sessions in the world, it seems, are incapable of mending her heart. Sarah Jane still silently hopes James will come back. She wishes this was all a nightmare. All the therapy sessions in the world are incapable of her understanding James’ choices at the moment.
Yet, slowly she learns about what it means to be a parent. Yes, her own emotions (the heartache she is certain she will always bear) are important. But what is more so is Valerie. She had reached this conclusion before, but it had never seemed to stick. She had promised Dr Ross that she would eat. Instead, she had wound up in the hospital with an IV feeding both herself and her daughter the nutrition she had denied them. This time, though, Sarah feels more determined. Her talks with Dr Traviss this past week have done a lot. Sarah feels as if she’s learning.
She’s been reminded that, as much as it hurts to be abandoned now, that isn’t her future forever. James may still change his mind. He may, as her psychiatrist puts it, stop feeling afraid when he holds his own daughter. But, he tells her day after day, she’ll always have Valerie. And isn’t that something? Having a child, he tells her, is the most rewarding experience one can have. Seven and a half months pregnant now, Sarah Jane thinks that she may agree.
So, finally, the day comes that Dr Traviss promises she’ll be released the next day. Sarah has made enough progress with her mental and physical state that he deems it safe to treat her outpatient rather than keep her confined. Sarah Jane beams with joy at that, promising him that she’ll continue to eat and make every appointment to see him at his clinic.
The only problem, she realizes as she carefully dresses herself in the maternity clothing she came in with, is that it means seeing James.
And it means all the heartache will come right back.