[Realm of the Muse] Response
Innocence versus Lack of Guilt
Luke watches her sometimes. It’s late at night and she thinks that she’s alone in the attic. Mr Smith isn’t on and neither is the light. The only glow emanating from the room is the red glow of her sonic lipstick. But she isn’t using it on anything. She just seems to turn it over slowly in her hand, almost studying it as she takes comfort in the familiar hum. It’s these moments as he spies on her from the crack in the door that she actually seems her age.
These are private moments. Luke, for all his naivety, is aware of that much. These are the moments where Sarah Jane lets herself mourn for a youth well lived, a youth that was far too short. But these moments fascinate Luke. They reveal a side of his mother that she would never let the world see, or even let him see. Maybe if they were closer, he would interrupt. Maybe if they were closer, he wouldn’t keep coming to the door at night.
Tonight is different though. Tonight, oddly enough, there seems to be some sort of eagerness in Sarah Jane’s eyes. She sits on the wooden chair in the corner near her desk as per usual. The sonic lipstick is out in her hands. The red glow and the hum of the tool fill the room. Tonight, though, there are no tears in her eyes. There is no delicate fingering of old photographs and documents. There isn’t any murmuring of old stories or regrets to an empty room.
It is almost as if Luke is viewing the Sarah Jane Smith he has grown accustomed to instead of the stranger that oft appears at this point in time. He sees the stubborn and inspiring woman that he has grown fond of in a short time sitting in that chair. This is a woman full of life and excitement, the one who has always seems to remember to pack him a proper lunchtime meal ever since the incident with the Slytheens. She has claimed to make an awful mother. The woman he sees sitting in this chair is the best mother Luke has ever known. He finds himself smiling. He likes seeing her like this.
As he continues to watch, another glow and sound fill the room. His eyes widen almost at the same instant that Sarah’s do. Except his eyes are full of shock while Sarah’s appear more joyous than he has ever seen before. Her smile seems to light up the room more than this blow light does; it’s brighter than that time she introduced Luke, Maria, and Clyde proudly to her friend Josh last Boxer Day. He wishes that he could see her smile like this more often.
Any further thoughts are cut off by the appearance of a rather dusty looking blue box. It’s a box he recognizes from a prior trip to Glasgow chasing after a renegade Cyberman that had somehow survived the Battle of Canary Wharf, according to Sarah Jane. But that box had been just a cappuccino stand whose cuppa can’t compare to any made by his mother (Clyde had claimed, repeatedly, on the way home). Still, it had held some sort of meaning to Sarah that only intrigued the trio.
It’s the look that fills Sarah’s face when a lanky man in a blue suit walks out of the TARDIS that gives it all away to Luke. He hasn’t seen that sort of look ever before, but he suspects it is something similar to what Maria tried to describe love between parents as looking like. This time, he watches her more intently than he ever has. This man, despite the photograph Sarah had once showed, has to be the Doctor. Luke watches as the Doctor hugs her back just as tightly. For the first time, he feels a twinge of jealously. It is a strange feeling. He decides quickly enough that he doesn’t like it.
Jealousy, though, is soon accompanied by something he knows is guilt. This feeling he knows from sneaking off to the cinema with Clyde one Sunday afternoon and getting caught. He doesn’t like this feeling either. The Doctor has now pulled up a chair next to Sarah and the two talk in hushed tones. He notices their hands clasped tightly together and a look of sadness in the man’s eyes. He shouldn’t be here, Luke realizes. He’s being horribly rude to his mother by spying on this moment. But the guilt dissipates as he overhears snippets of conversation, curiosity drawing him in. Making another social mistake can be put aside to satisfy his inquisitiveness.
Sarah Jane is talking about him. About him and Maria and Clyde and asking the Doctor if this is how he feels every time he puts someone he cares about in danger. The strange man nods solemnly and then tilts her chin up so she has no choice to look at him.
“You’re as innocent as the day we met, Sarah,” he murmurs so quietly that Luke almost doesn’t hear him. “You might feel that guilt, but it only makes you human. It keeps you my best friend, my Sarah Jane. The day you feel a lack of guilt over Luke or Maria or Clyde’s well being is the day you can’t recognize yourself in the mirror anymore.”
“Doctor,” she replies, a quiver of sadness and vulnerability in her voice that Luke hasn’t ever heard before, “I don’t know if I can do this alone.”
“Stopping a Slytheen invasion? Defeating the last of the Gorgons on Earth? Outsmarting the Bane? Blimey! That’s quite the list of accomplishments you have there. None of my companions have ever disappointed me and you, Sarah Jane, keep on finding new ways to impress me every day.”
This all seems rather strange to Luke. In front of his eyes, his mother has turned into someone else. The lady sitting there now isn’t the eager woman from earlier and isn’t the confident adult he knows. This someone resembles Maria whenever she cries to him about her parents’ divorce. He doesn’t understand. He wants to understand. So, Luke does the only thing he can. As Sarah hugs the man again, he finally steps out from hiding.
Night after night, Luke has hid behind the crack in that door. This is the first, and probably only, time he’ll ever admit to it. For a moment, he stands there awkwardly. Luke tugs at his night shirt, watching as both Sarah Jane and the Doctor turn around to look at him. They are not hugging anymore, but they are still sitting rather close. Their hands are still clasped, Luke notes with a small smile. Mum likes holding people’s hands, he wonder if this is where she got it from.
“I think I’m making another social mistake. I wanted to say hello. Mum always said that she wanted you to return.”
The hands linger together as Sarah Jane stands and wipes at her tears. Arms stretch as she crosses the room to Luke until they are unable to stretch any more. She stops in front of Luke, placing hands on both his shoulders. For a moment, he thinks that she is going to scold him like that day at the cinemas. Instead, she only laughs and shakes her head at him. Then, she moves to his right, one arm still over the shoulder. She glances down at Luke and this time, he hasn’t ever seen her more proud. Whatever he did, it doesn’t seem like Sarah Jane considers it a mistake.
“Doctor,” she says warmly, as she walks forward with Luke in tow. “I’d like you to meet my Luke. My son.”
“Hello, Luke ol’ boy! I’m the Doctor. Long time friend of your mum’s who still can’t quite get over how tall you are for your age. Six months, is it?” The Doctor stands from his chair as he talks and Luke holds out his hand. He remembers this one, the introduction. It was one of the first things about being human Sarah Jane had ever taught him. What catches him off guard is the bear hug the Doctor pulls him into the moment their hands clasp. This is far unlike any greeting he has ever received from any other adult. Luke stands awkward and stiff for a moment before trying to hug him back.
“My boys,” he heard Sarah whisper with happiness. That awkward feeling came rushing back, but he ignored it. This might not have been what Luke expected, but if it made his mum happy, he was happy.
The Doctor does eventually pull away, but not before giving Luke a hearty clap on the back. Luke smiles back at him, but not before glancing at his mother for help. She just nods encouragingly, walking back over to place her arm back around Luke. For a few moments, the three of them just stand there in silence before the Doctor (who, Luke has decided, looks rather human after all) rubs his hands together and beams at them manically.
“Whatcha say? Trip in the TARDIS for old time sake? I never did quite take you to Florana, Sarah Jane. And you, Luke,” he continues, clapping Luke’s shoulder again, “about time you saw something past this atmosphere. Guilt free trip, for the lot of us.”
A chance to go to an alien planet? His dark brown eyes widened again, this time with excitement rather than surprise. No wonder his mother liked this Doctor fellow. Just the possibility of disappearing into that police box seemed exhilarating. He looked up at Sarah Jane, trying to perfect that puppy eye face Clyde promised would get adults to do whatever he said. It doesn’t work and only results in a stern gaze that only promises trouble for Clyde the next time he stops by. Still, Sarah shrugs and laughs in the end, smiling at them both: a sure fire sign that she agrees.
“Well, I suppose Luke does deserve to see more than this daft planet,” she relinquishes. “But no hijinks, Doctor. No trouble and especially no danger.”
The Doctor nods enthusiastically as he begins to usher them towards the blue box. But before Luke steps inside, he thinks about his mum’s words. No danger? He doubts it. There’s always danger when off on an adventure with Mum. And whatever guilt she may feel over it, he’s happy that she doesn’t let it affect her.
Innocent or not innocent, guilty or guilt free, Luke Smith knows he has the best mum in the world.
Luke watches her sometimes. It’s late at night and she thinks that she’s alone in the attic. Mr Smith isn’t on and neither is the light. The only glow emanating from the room is the red glow of her sonic lipstick. But she isn’t using it on anything. She just seems to turn it over slowly in her hand, almost studying it as she takes comfort in the familiar hum. It’s these moments as he spies on her from the crack in the door that she actually seems her age.
These are private moments. Luke, for all his naivety, is aware of that much. These are the moments where Sarah Jane lets herself mourn for a youth well lived, a youth that was far too short. But these moments fascinate Luke. They reveal a side of his mother that she would never let the world see, or even let him see. Maybe if they were closer, he would interrupt. Maybe if they were closer, he wouldn’t keep coming to the door at night.
Tonight is different though. Tonight, oddly enough, there seems to be some sort of eagerness in Sarah Jane’s eyes. She sits on the wooden chair in the corner near her desk as per usual. The sonic lipstick is out in her hands. The red glow and the hum of the tool fill the room. Tonight, though, there are no tears in her eyes. There is no delicate fingering of old photographs and documents. There isn’t any murmuring of old stories or regrets to an empty room.
It is almost as if Luke is viewing the Sarah Jane Smith he has grown accustomed to instead of the stranger that oft appears at this point in time. He sees the stubborn and inspiring woman that he has grown fond of in a short time sitting in that chair. This is a woman full of life and excitement, the one who has always seems to remember to pack him a proper lunchtime meal ever since the incident with the Slytheens. She has claimed to make an awful mother. The woman he sees sitting in this chair is the best mother Luke has ever known. He finds himself smiling. He likes seeing her like this.
As he continues to watch, another glow and sound fill the room. His eyes widen almost at the same instant that Sarah’s do. Except his eyes are full of shock while Sarah’s appear more joyous than he has ever seen before. Her smile seems to light up the room more than this blow light does; it’s brighter than that time she introduced Luke, Maria, and Clyde proudly to her friend Josh last Boxer Day. He wishes that he could see her smile like this more often.
Any further thoughts are cut off by the appearance of a rather dusty looking blue box. It’s a box he recognizes from a prior trip to Glasgow chasing after a renegade Cyberman that had somehow survived the Battle of Canary Wharf, according to Sarah Jane. But that box had been just a cappuccino stand whose cuppa can’t compare to any made by his mother (Clyde had claimed, repeatedly, on the way home). Still, it had held some sort of meaning to Sarah that only intrigued the trio.
It’s the look that fills Sarah’s face when a lanky man in a blue suit walks out of the TARDIS that gives it all away to Luke. He hasn’t seen that sort of look ever before, but he suspects it is something similar to what Maria tried to describe love between parents as looking like. This time, he watches her more intently than he ever has. This man, despite the photograph Sarah had once showed, has to be the Doctor. Luke watches as the Doctor hugs her back just as tightly. For the first time, he feels a twinge of jealously. It is a strange feeling. He decides quickly enough that he doesn’t like it.
Jealousy, though, is soon accompanied by something he knows is guilt. This feeling he knows from sneaking off to the cinema with Clyde one Sunday afternoon and getting caught. He doesn’t like this feeling either. The Doctor has now pulled up a chair next to Sarah and the two talk in hushed tones. He notices their hands clasped tightly together and a look of sadness in the man’s eyes. He shouldn’t be here, Luke realizes. He’s being horribly rude to his mother by spying on this moment. But the guilt dissipates as he overhears snippets of conversation, curiosity drawing him in. Making another social mistake can be put aside to satisfy his inquisitiveness.
Sarah Jane is talking about him. About him and Maria and Clyde and asking the Doctor if this is how he feels every time he puts someone he cares about in danger. The strange man nods solemnly and then tilts her chin up so she has no choice to look at him.
“You’re as innocent as the day we met, Sarah,” he murmurs so quietly that Luke almost doesn’t hear him. “You might feel that guilt, but it only makes you human. It keeps you my best friend, my Sarah Jane. The day you feel a lack of guilt over Luke or Maria or Clyde’s well being is the day you can’t recognize yourself in the mirror anymore.”
“Doctor,” she replies, a quiver of sadness and vulnerability in her voice that Luke hasn’t ever heard before, “I don’t know if I can do this alone.”
“Stopping a Slytheen invasion? Defeating the last of the Gorgons on Earth? Outsmarting the Bane? Blimey! That’s quite the list of accomplishments you have there. None of my companions have ever disappointed me and you, Sarah Jane, keep on finding new ways to impress me every day.”
This all seems rather strange to Luke. In front of his eyes, his mother has turned into someone else. The lady sitting there now isn’t the eager woman from earlier and isn’t the confident adult he knows. This someone resembles Maria whenever she cries to him about her parents’ divorce. He doesn’t understand. He wants to understand. So, Luke does the only thing he can. As Sarah hugs the man again, he finally steps out from hiding.
Night after night, Luke has hid behind the crack in that door. This is the first, and probably only, time he’ll ever admit to it. For a moment, he stands there awkwardly. Luke tugs at his night shirt, watching as both Sarah Jane and the Doctor turn around to look at him. They are not hugging anymore, but they are still sitting rather close. Their hands are still clasped, Luke notes with a small smile. Mum likes holding people’s hands, he wonder if this is where she got it from.
“I think I’m making another social mistake. I wanted to say hello. Mum always said that she wanted you to return.”
The hands linger together as Sarah Jane stands and wipes at her tears. Arms stretch as she crosses the room to Luke until they are unable to stretch any more. She stops in front of Luke, placing hands on both his shoulders. For a moment, he thinks that she is going to scold him like that day at the cinemas. Instead, she only laughs and shakes her head at him. Then, she moves to his right, one arm still over the shoulder. She glances down at Luke and this time, he hasn’t ever seen her more proud. Whatever he did, it doesn’t seem like Sarah Jane considers it a mistake.
“Doctor,” she says warmly, as she walks forward with Luke in tow. “I’d like you to meet my Luke. My son.”
“Hello, Luke ol’ boy! I’m the Doctor. Long time friend of your mum’s who still can’t quite get over how tall you are for your age. Six months, is it?” The Doctor stands from his chair as he talks and Luke holds out his hand. He remembers this one, the introduction. It was one of the first things about being human Sarah Jane had ever taught him. What catches him off guard is the bear hug the Doctor pulls him into the moment their hands clasp. This is far unlike any greeting he has ever received from any other adult. Luke stands awkward and stiff for a moment before trying to hug him back.
“My boys,” he heard Sarah whisper with happiness. That awkward feeling came rushing back, but he ignored it. This might not have been what Luke expected, but if it made his mum happy, he was happy.
The Doctor does eventually pull away, but not before giving Luke a hearty clap on the back. Luke smiles back at him, but not before glancing at his mother for help. She just nods encouragingly, walking back over to place her arm back around Luke. For a few moments, the three of them just stand there in silence before the Doctor (who, Luke has decided, looks rather human after all) rubs his hands together and beams at them manically.
“Whatcha say? Trip in the TARDIS for old time sake? I never did quite take you to Florana, Sarah Jane. And you, Luke,” he continues, clapping Luke’s shoulder again, “about time you saw something past this atmosphere. Guilt free trip, for the lot of us.”
A chance to go to an alien planet? His dark brown eyes widened again, this time with excitement rather than surprise. No wonder his mother liked this Doctor fellow. Just the possibility of disappearing into that police box seemed exhilarating. He looked up at Sarah Jane, trying to perfect that puppy eye face Clyde promised would get adults to do whatever he said. It doesn’t work and only results in a stern gaze that only promises trouble for Clyde the next time he stops by. Still, Sarah shrugs and laughs in the end, smiling at them both: a sure fire sign that she agrees.
“Well, I suppose Luke does deserve to see more than this daft planet,” she relinquishes. “But no hijinks, Doctor. No trouble and especially no danger.”
The Doctor nods enthusiastically as he begins to usher them towards the blue box. But before Luke steps inside, he thinks about his mum’s words. No danger? He doubts it. There’s always danger when off on an adventure with Mum. And whatever guilt she may feel over it, he’s happy that she doesn’t let it affect her.
Innocent or not innocent, guilty or guilt free, Luke Smith knows he has the best mum in the world.