chat with Master...
still not totally ready to chat about it... but my blurb about it needs to be here...
Master and I are officially "on hold" so to speak... hold, limbo, pause, whatever you want to call it... and I hate it. He says he does to. I guess we've been on 'unofficial' hold since, well, October? That's when the major ick began... slowly... came to a head in December...
I have expressed extreme dissatisfaction with the hold idea... interraction _needs_ to happen even if it's very limited... and yes, _needs_. Master has said he will see what can be done and get back to me soon... tomorrow will be a week... my mom will be here by the time it hits two weeks... and I will be returning from a trip the day it hits three... if I haven't heard something by then... I'll contact him again.
I am feeling somewhat defeated about this... Master felt that my talking, a fair bit, the last time we were together, about a "canadian boyfriend" meant that I really wanted to find that... I told him that I didn't want to really until we had sorted out where we were because it wouldn't be fair to any potential new realtionship to expect them to come into and deal with the current situation... I can see it now... even more unrealistic when you think about the fact it will take a very dominant alpha male to make me truly happy... I know that about myself now and accept that and the complications that it includes.
"hey... I really like you... but you see, I have a Master... we're currently on hold and while that is ongoing I am free to be with you but once he has taken care of what he needs to take care of you're going to have to take a back seat"
option two is to find someone that I don't particularly care for and won't mind telling to take a back seat or getting rid of once he's suited my needs... *scoffs* 'cause that's a real option.
so now that I've got the defeatist part of my post out of the way...
I'm not going to go searching. But I'm not going to cut myself off completely either... and if I do happen to end up in a relationship with someone I'll deal with the problems then...
the other issue becomes when to bring up the poly thing... when do I mention Master, Sir, and J? I currently have zero intention of giving up any one of them... but the limbo, the never being first, the always being understanding of someone else while putting myself second... I think that telling Master that being on hold with no interraction was unacceptable was the first time that I really put my foot down over something...
I wonder if it might be easier to vocalize my own needs better if I didn't like Master and J's wives... I only know Sir's through him and, to a much lesser degree, Master... and I like to think that we'd get along too...
I told Sir that I was irritated (did I say irritated? no matter... I was not happy) with the way that Master seems to think "oh hey... throw another Dom at the girl and she'll be happy"... now, don't get me wrong... that's how I have ended up in my current relationships with Sir and J... and I wouldn't trade those for anything... but as much as I cherish these men and my time with them it certainly adds some degree of extra complexity to things... I have feelings for both of them, in addition to those I have for Master, that I can't just turn off should I end up in a primary relationship if my own.
anyways... lemme see if I can point form this:
chat with Master... needed, not terribly productive, very emotional, still in limbo and still confused. I haven't mentioned it much until now but Master's wife is spectacular. I have a feeling that we will never have a physical relationship... but I cherish her as a friend and that's very good too...
chat with Sir... better, he has an abiltiy to make me see both sides of things and often with much more logic and less emotion while he doesn't make me feel like a silly crying girl... helped me sort things out a bit... I wish I could be theraputic for him too.
chat with J... I did it... I told him that I love him... and that was an emotional bunch of stuff... I don't regret telling him... I don't regret loving him... I wish that I had kept it to myself because of things that he and I discussed that I am definately not ready to discuss here... perhaps in the future... he is a good man and my life is better with him as a part of it.
relationship stuff... not looking but if it happens then I will have to deal with the poly, Master/Sir/J stuff then. I can do monogamy and do it well... but he would have to be Mr Absolutely Spectacular for me to give up any of my current relationships.
much chatting... more needed...
that's it for now...
Master and I are officially "on hold" so to speak... hold, limbo, pause, whatever you want to call it... and I hate it. He says he does to. I guess we've been on 'unofficial' hold since, well, October? That's when the major ick began... slowly... came to a head in December...
I have expressed extreme dissatisfaction with the hold idea... interraction _needs_ to happen even if it's very limited... and yes, _needs_. Master has said he will see what can be done and get back to me soon... tomorrow will be a week... my mom will be here by the time it hits two weeks... and I will be returning from a trip the day it hits three... if I haven't heard something by then... I'll contact him again.
I am feeling somewhat defeated about this... Master felt that my talking, a fair bit, the last time we were together, about a "canadian boyfriend" meant that I really wanted to find that... I told him that I didn't want to really until we had sorted out where we were because it wouldn't be fair to any potential new realtionship to expect them to come into and deal with the current situation... I can see it now... even more unrealistic when you think about the fact it will take a very dominant alpha male to make me truly happy... I know that about myself now and accept that and the complications that it includes.
"hey... I really like you... but you see, I have a Master... we're currently on hold and while that is ongoing I am free to be with you but once he has taken care of what he needs to take care of you're going to have to take a back seat"
option two is to find someone that I don't particularly care for and won't mind telling to take a back seat or getting rid of once he's suited my needs... *scoffs* 'cause that's a real option.
so now that I've got the defeatist part of my post out of the way...
I'm not going to go searching. But I'm not going to cut myself off completely either... and if I do happen to end up in a relationship with someone I'll deal with the problems then...
the other issue becomes when to bring up the poly thing... when do I mention Master, Sir, and J? I currently have zero intention of giving up any one of them... but the limbo, the never being first, the always being understanding of someone else while putting myself second... I think that telling Master that being on hold with no interraction was unacceptable was the first time that I really put my foot down over something...
I wonder if it might be easier to vocalize my own needs better if I didn't like Master and J's wives... I only know Sir's through him and, to a much lesser degree, Master... and I like to think that we'd get along too...
I told Sir that I was irritated (did I say irritated? no matter... I was not happy) with the way that Master seems to think "oh hey... throw another Dom at the girl and she'll be happy"... now, don't get me wrong... that's how I have ended up in my current relationships with Sir and J... and I wouldn't trade those for anything... but as much as I cherish these men and my time with them it certainly adds some degree of extra complexity to things... I have feelings for both of them, in addition to those I have for Master, that I can't just turn off should I end up in a primary relationship if my own.
anyways... lemme see if I can point form this:
chat with Master... needed, not terribly productive, very emotional, still in limbo and still confused. I haven't mentioned it much until now but Master's wife is spectacular. I have a feeling that we will never have a physical relationship... but I cherish her as a friend and that's very good too...
chat with Sir... better, he has an abiltiy to make me see both sides of things and often with much more logic and less emotion while he doesn't make me feel like a silly crying girl... helped me sort things out a bit... I wish I could be theraputic for him too.
chat with J... I did it... I told him that I love him... and that was an emotional bunch of stuff... I don't regret telling him... I don't regret loving him... I wish that I had kept it to myself because of things that he and I discussed that I am definately not ready to discuss here... perhaps in the future... he is a good man and my life is better with him as a part of it.
relationship stuff... not looking but if it happens then I will have to deal with the poly, Master/Sir/J stuff then. I can do monogamy and do it well... but he would have to be Mr Absolutely Spectacular for me to give up any of my current relationships.
much chatting... more needed...
that's it for now...