one day...?
I've made a decision... I'm not going to get involved with anyone else for whom I am not first... I don't have to be only but I need to be someone's first... I need to have someone whom I can devote time and energy towards that doesn't have other people in line in front of me to prevent them from accepting that from me...
I have no desire to end any of my current serious relationships... Master, J, and I consider Sir to be a rather serious relationship too... but I simply need more than any one of them are able to offer me.
one day I would like to be someones primary relationship... and even though it will mean some sort of rearranging of my current relationships I would like for them to be my primary too.
one day I would like to be with someone for whom marriage is even an option by virtue of the fact that they aren't married to someone else.
one day I would like to be in love with someone who loves me too.
*sighs* I told Master that I loved him... I told J that I love him too. I'm certain that the affection that I feel for Sir could develop into love given more interraction. Am I fickle? I don't not love Master because I love J... I don't think that you have to only romantically love one person at a time... I know people with lots of kids and they love all their kids...
sometimes I wonder what it is about me that is so apparently unloveable...
anyways... the decision that I came to I believe is a good one. I think that it will save me much heartache and many tears... I know that I am emotionally unable to be second or third to yet another woman. That's part of the problem too I think... it'd almost be easier if I couldn't stand Master's or J's wives... but I care very much for both of them... Sir's wife I haven't met but talking to Master he feels that we have much in common and would likely get along rather well... if I had designs to usurp someones position then it would be... I dunno...
bottom line. I am currently trying to do things to take care of me. Master, Sir, and J all have stuff that they need to take care of and I don't desire to be a wreck and make any of them feel obligated to 'take care' of me... I didn't hide it so well last weekend... Sir knew something was up. *sighs* I kick myself for running when I would have very much preferred to spend more time with him... but there were others who desired to spend time with him too... if it was up to me I would have spent all the time there with him in our tent... hiding with him rather than hiding alone...
I have three amazing men in my life who I get to interract with... I should be the happiest girl in the world... so why do I feel so damn sad so often?
I don't know what else to say... there's so much and I simply don't have the words for it all...
this is kinda bleh... I need to get some happy happening!
I have no desire to end any of my current serious relationships... Master, J, and I consider Sir to be a rather serious relationship too... but I simply need more than any one of them are able to offer me.
one day I would like to be someones primary relationship... and even though it will mean some sort of rearranging of my current relationships I would like for them to be my primary too.
one day I would like to be with someone for whom marriage is even an option by virtue of the fact that they aren't married to someone else.
one day I would like to be in love with someone who loves me too.
*sighs* I told Master that I loved him... I told J that I love him too. I'm certain that the affection that I feel for Sir could develop into love given more interraction. Am I fickle? I don't not love Master because I love J... I don't think that you have to only romantically love one person at a time... I know people with lots of kids and they love all their kids...
sometimes I wonder what it is about me that is so apparently unloveable...
anyways... the decision that I came to I believe is a good one. I think that it will save me much heartache and many tears... I know that I am emotionally unable to be second or third to yet another woman. That's part of the problem too I think... it'd almost be easier if I couldn't stand Master's or J's wives... but I care very much for both of them... Sir's wife I haven't met but talking to Master he feels that we have much in common and would likely get along rather well... if I had designs to usurp someones position then it would be... I dunno...
bottom line. I am currently trying to do things to take care of me. Master, Sir, and J all have stuff that they need to take care of and I don't desire to be a wreck and make any of them feel obligated to 'take care' of me... I didn't hide it so well last weekend... Sir knew something was up. *sighs* I kick myself for running when I would have very much preferred to spend more time with him... but there were others who desired to spend time with him too... if it was up to me I would have spent all the time there with him in our tent... hiding with him rather than hiding alone...
I have three amazing men in my life who I get to interract with... I should be the happiest girl in the world... so why do I feel so damn sad so often?
I don't know what else to say... there's so much and I simply don't have the words for it all...
this is kinda bleh... I need to get some happy happening!