*sighs*
this is a specific journal entry limited to everyone... except any of the men that I'm currently, or have in the past year, played with and people who will get back to them... *slumps* in other words, I'm about to keep something from Master, Sir, and J.
I'm falling in love with J. And that scares me.
I've gone and done it again, fallen for someone who doesn't, and likely won't, return those feelings... now don't get me wrong... J tells me frequently that he adores me and is very protective of me and how kind and loving I am to him... his wife, "D", thanked me just a couple of nights ago for the love that I give to him... how he is happier than he has been in a long time and how he's learned how to trust again...
when I told Master that I loved him he simply said to me "I know girl".
I've been scared a few times when J and I have been very cuddly and stuff and he's looked at me and asked what I'm thinking... and I've wanted to tell him that I was thinking about how much I love him... how happy I am with him... how, until him, I had never really thought about not belonging to Master. Yes, I thought about how different things would be if I had met Sir first... but the thought of not being Master's never crossed my mind...
things haven't been good with Master for a long time... we haven't been intimate since October... and I think that the last time I slept beside him without crying myself to sleep was September... the first time I saw him after moving. I've been out of the loop, so much has been happening in his life and I find out random bits here and there... and not usually from him. I feel like I'm losing my submission to him... I get lippy with him and he simply forgives me... it's almost like it's too much effort to have me...
J has told me that he wants me... that he would like to own me... that he is envious of the bond and loyalty that I show to Master... that even though he is aware, not that I've ever really spilled about how bad things are with him he's not a stupid man, I am still loyal to him, unwilling to simply write our relationship off without trying to work on it first.
and it gets worse...
I very much enjoy the poly lifestyle... I can be monogamous but I'm fully capable of sharing... the problem lies in that with everyone, Master, J, and Sir, I am second... and while I don't covet the first position with any of them... not really... I would like to be someones first. I see these amazing men with women who, really, are princessy and difficult in many ways... and I think about what it would be like to be with someone like any one of these men, full time... now both Master's wife and J's wife and I all have relationships... Master's wife and I do not have a physical relationship although J's wife and I do...
grrrr... why can't I get stuff out of my head and onto the screen??!!
bleh. I'm rambling.
I don't know what to do, what to think, how to deal with this... a part of me wants to tell J how I feel... but I can't deal with another "I know" response... I can't put myself out there like that again.
I'm not looking forward to this weekend... Master is going to be busy so it's not like I'm going to get to see him... Sir is being celibate this week so although I'll spend time with him the intimate time that I've been looking forward to for a year isn't going to happen... and while J says that we will have time together he's going to be busy with all sorts of other activities... fighting primarily... the other girl he is seeing is going to be there... his wife will be there...
*sigh*
two nights, three days... wish me luck.
I'm falling in love with J. And that scares me.
I've gone and done it again, fallen for someone who doesn't, and likely won't, return those feelings... now don't get me wrong... J tells me frequently that he adores me and is very protective of me and how kind and loving I am to him... his wife, "D", thanked me just a couple of nights ago for the love that I give to him... how he is happier than he has been in a long time and how he's learned how to trust again...
when I told Master that I loved him he simply said to me "I know girl".
I've been scared a few times when J and I have been very cuddly and stuff and he's looked at me and asked what I'm thinking... and I've wanted to tell him that I was thinking about how much I love him... how happy I am with him... how, until him, I had never really thought about not belonging to Master. Yes, I thought about how different things would be if I had met Sir first... but the thought of not being Master's never crossed my mind...
things haven't been good with Master for a long time... we haven't been intimate since October... and I think that the last time I slept beside him without crying myself to sleep was September... the first time I saw him after moving. I've been out of the loop, so much has been happening in his life and I find out random bits here and there... and not usually from him. I feel like I'm losing my submission to him... I get lippy with him and he simply forgives me... it's almost like it's too much effort to have me...
J has told me that he wants me... that he would like to own me... that he is envious of the bond and loyalty that I show to Master... that even though he is aware, not that I've ever really spilled about how bad things are with him he's not a stupid man, I am still loyal to him, unwilling to simply write our relationship off without trying to work on it first.
and it gets worse...
I very much enjoy the poly lifestyle... I can be monogamous but I'm fully capable of sharing... the problem lies in that with everyone, Master, J, and Sir, I am second... and while I don't covet the first position with any of them... not really... I would like to be someones first. I see these amazing men with women who, really, are princessy and difficult in many ways... and I think about what it would be like to be with someone like any one of these men, full time... now both Master's wife and J's wife and I all have relationships... Master's wife and I do not have a physical relationship although J's wife and I do...
grrrr... why can't I get stuff out of my head and onto the screen??!!
bleh. I'm rambling.
I don't know what to do, what to think, how to deal with this... a part of me wants to tell J how I feel... but I can't deal with another "I know" response... I can't put myself out there like that again.
I'm not looking forward to this weekend... Master is going to be busy so it's not like I'm going to get to see him... Sir is being celibate this week so although I'll spend time with him the intimate time that I've been looking forward to for a year isn't going to happen... and while J says that we will have time together he's going to be busy with all sorts of other activities... fighting primarily... the other girl he is seeing is going to be there... his wife will be there...
*sigh*
two nights, three days... wish me luck.