New Years day, reflections and pictures
So, it's pretty typical around the New Year to ruminate and reminisce, compare and contrast, etc. Not only is everyone else doing it, but I'm very much at a point where a verbalized self-check is a very helpful thing, so here goes.
Overall, my life goal is to be a person of interest, accomplishment, love, and respect. That means giving and receiving and being an embodiment of such. Being such a subjective thing, the only thing really fair is to look at where I am with that now, in comparison to past points in time. 2009 was a hard year on many fronts, I very often felt as though efforts and intentions were absolutely ineffective against the harsh randomness of life itself. Depression has been a serious problem, and while I've learned very good ways to battle that, and managed to raise the overall positive/negative median a few significant notches, it did very often seem as though the most strenuous efforts only kept me at a minimal survival level. Then again, I did survive, and I've learned alot about how to work through and around serious depression, instead of letting myself be completely swallowed by it. There are days when depression and anxiety overwhelm me, but I'm learning and practising techniques to successfully overcome that--or at least mitigate it.
Something that's been very important this past year has been to appropriately identify issues, root causes and things which feed them, and actively deciding how to create healthy attitudes and responses to them. Sometimes that means telling myself to quit overreacting or being defensive; sometimes that means acknowledging the validity of certain hurts and anger; sometimes that means taking blame, and sometimes that means allowing blame to go to a source which isn't myself. Sometimes that means allowing for no blame at all.
All times, though, that means practising forgiveness, true heartfelt forgiveness, and being honest with myself when forgiveness is not forthcoming.
It means learning how to let go of the desire for vengeance, even though it often seems very right and fair, and quite possibly is. This is incredibly hard for me, and means striking some balances which other people don't always feel to be acceptable, and I have very conflicting feelings about that.
I've been working on defining and adjusting my personal philosophy, and allowing that I don't have to seek approval or agree with others, or justify myself. I don't have to be defensive, and if I am feeling defensive, I need to examine myself. Again, there's a need for balance. I want approval, that comes of being a social creature, but my desire for approval should never outweigh personal integrity.
I have serious trust issues. The were hard-earned, and a very few of you know about them. It would be easy to try to pretend they aren't there, or to blow them off as just neuroses or overdramatic responses, but that would be devaluing the experiences which caused them; namely, most of my life. While I am working very very hard to overcome these issues, to learn what healthy trust is and how it works, I'm still very clumsy with it, and definitely need help. Harvey helps. Living here helps. I feel that great progress has been made, and instead of justifying or explaining myself and my history, I think it's better if I put more energy into building new trust, not trying to rebuild with materials which are inherently weak and full of flaws.
I'm looking at overall attitude adjustment. I've gotten alot better about seeing and enjoying the positive and the little things, but what I want is to be solidly (as opposed to only sometimes) looking at life from a positive (but realistic! screw blind optimism) perspective, motivated more by positivity (building and growth for it's own sake), instead of by negativity (trying to fill gaps and holes with whatever's handy, even if it's inappropriate).
I am proud of one thing, at least. Well, overall I think I'm doing better with these things than one might have expected a few years ago, and that's great too. But the thing that I think I really did wrap my brain around is that I do not have to be a victim of life. It's rough and tough and not very fair, and the only real difference between circumstances now and past is myself, but that's all the difference in the world. I learned how to be a victim very young, and in very legitimate circumstances, but seriously lacked any idea of life as a non-victim. Everyone I knew were victims, it seemed, and sharing in that sense of being victimized by life was one social behaviour I learned successfully. Now I am unlearning it, and it's possibly the single hugest step I have taken toward building a life I want.
I say I've learned these things, and I feel the changes deep down, but I know that I sometimes don't practice them well. I whine and complain and indulge in pity-parties; I let little things snowball, and desire or laziness will both go unchallenged longer than they should. I'm human, it's okay to slip here and there so long as you keep moving in the right direction, and excessive berating isn't any more helpful than excessive indulgence. I get that, it's cool.
I'm learning about love, and it keeps coming back to loving oneself. I've got three decades of ignorance and contrariness on that topic to root out and replace. It's hard, of course, especially when I have nothing but my own judgement to go on when picking examples to learn from. What if I'm picking bad examples? So hard to tell. That's where trust comes back in. Gotta trust my judgement, and forgive myself when judgement isn't at it's best.
Acceptance is hard sometimes. I like to fight, it's very much in me to be a fighter, and I'd rather fight than just accept unwelcome situations. Sometimes fighting is the appropriate response, like when one has cancer. Often, however, it isn't, and a very difficult life lesson for me is accept gracefully, instead of sulking or starting a fight. I don't think I can fully express how difficult this one is, how very contrary to my nature it is, and how hard it can be to tell what response would be most appropriate. I end up fighting myself, and things go downhill from there.
But!
I feel like something's shifted around in the bowels of that beasty, and I think I may have gotten to a place on that path more like solid ground than quicksand. This is good.
Other people...I like having people in my life. I'm a private person, but not secretive, and fairly social. Sounds a bit contrary, but I swear it's not. I've recently started realizing how I've shoved just about everyone to arm's length or further over the past couple years or more. I've also brought some people in to arm's length, and am definitely ready to have more people there, and people within those arms. I have very few friends who are truly close, and you know what? I realized just the other day that if someone asked who my best guy friend is, I have no quick answer to that for the first time I can recall in my life. I think that's not a good thing.
I know what my baggage is, where it comes from, and how it works. There's alot of it, yes, but I'm dealing with it, and I surely don't expect that anyone will do it for me, or that a "soulmate" or "perfect relationship" or "finding my calling" or any other of those cliches will do that work for me or make the issues disappear. Not that such things mightn't have a helping influence, but they are not solutions of themselves, and I definitely get that.
I sometimes feel tired, tired like someone who's lived a much longer life, and sometimes I'm terribly bitter. I've been told that my eyes are almost painfully sad, even when my mood was good and my thoughts nice. I don't expect that anything can fully erase the visible traces of my life, and I don't think it'd be right expect that. I also don't think it's right to fixate on those things, either, or to fear them. It's just marks of the past.
I did this last night. Well, it was more like 4am, but before sleeping. I've been wanting to change my hair for a few weeks, and I feel satisfied with this. It felt good, cutting away the hair I grew this summer. Looks kinda tomboy-hipsterish, but it's good.
Overall, my life goal is to be a person of interest, accomplishment, love, and respect. That means giving and receiving and being an embodiment of such. Being such a subjective thing, the only thing really fair is to look at where I am with that now, in comparison to past points in time. 2009 was a hard year on many fronts, I very often felt as though efforts and intentions were absolutely ineffective against the harsh randomness of life itself. Depression has been a serious problem, and while I've learned very good ways to battle that, and managed to raise the overall positive/negative median a few significant notches, it did very often seem as though the most strenuous efforts only kept me at a minimal survival level. Then again, I did survive, and I've learned alot about how to work through and around serious depression, instead of letting myself be completely swallowed by it. There are days when depression and anxiety overwhelm me, but I'm learning and practising techniques to successfully overcome that--or at least mitigate it.
Something that's been very important this past year has been to appropriately identify issues, root causes and things which feed them, and actively deciding how to create healthy attitudes and responses to them. Sometimes that means telling myself to quit overreacting or being defensive; sometimes that means acknowledging the validity of certain hurts and anger; sometimes that means taking blame, and sometimes that means allowing blame to go to a source which isn't myself. Sometimes that means allowing for no blame at all.
All times, though, that means practising forgiveness, true heartfelt forgiveness, and being honest with myself when forgiveness is not forthcoming.
It means learning how to let go of the desire for vengeance, even though it often seems very right and fair, and quite possibly is. This is incredibly hard for me, and means striking some balances which other people don't always feel to be acceptable, and I have very conflicting feelings about that.
I've been working on defining and adjusting my personal philosophy, and allowing that I don't have to seek approval or agree with others, or justify myself. I don't have to be defensive, and if I am feeling defensive, I need to examine myself. Again, there's a need for balance. I want approval, that comes of being a social creature, but my desire for approval should never outweigh personal integrity.
I have serious trust issues. The were hard-earned, and a very few of you know about them. It would be easy to try to pretend they aren't there, or to blow them off as just neuroses or overdramatic responses, but that would be devaluing the experiences which caused them; namely, most of my life. While I am working very very hard to overcome these issues, to learn what healthy trust is and how it works, I'm still very clumsy with it, and definitely need help. Harvey helps. Living here helps. I feel that great progress has been made, and instead of justifying or explaining myself and my history, I think it's better if I put more energy into building new trust, not trying to rebuild with materials which are inherently weak and full of flaws.
I'm looking at overall attitude adjustment. I've gotten alot better about seeing and enjoying the positive and the little things, but what I want is to be solidly (as opposed to only sometimes) looking at life from a positive (but realistic! screw blind optimism) perspective, motivated more by positivity (building and growth for it's own sake), instead of by negativity (trying to fill gaps and holes with whatever's handy, even if it's inappropriate).
I am proud of one thing, at least. Well, overall I think I'm doing better with these things than one might have expected a few years ago, and that's great too. But the thing that I think I really did wrap my brain around is that I do not have to be a victim of life. It's rough and tough and not very fair, and the only real difference between circumstances now and past is myself, but that's all the difference in the world. I learned how to be a victim very young, and in very legitimate circumstances, but seriously lacked any idea of life as a non-victim. Everyone I knew were victims, it seemed, and sharing in that sense of being victimized by life was one social behaviour I learned successfully. Now I am unlearning it, and it's possibly the single hugest step I have taken toward building a life I want.
I say I've learned these things, and I feel the changes deep down, but I know that I sometimes don't practice them well. I whine and complain and indulge in pity-parties; I let little things snowball, and desire or laziness will both go unchallenged longer than they should. I'm human, it's okay to slip here and there so long as you keep moving in the right direction, and excessive berating isn't any more helpful than excessive indulgence. I get that, it's cool.
I'm learning about love, and it keeps coming back to loving oneself. I've got three decades of ignorance and contrariness on that topic to root out and replace. It's hard, of course, especially when I have nothing but my own judgement to go on when picking examples to learn from. What if I'm picking bad examples? So hard to tell. That's where trust comes back in. Gotta trust my judgement, and forgive myself when judgement isn't at it's best.
Acceptance is hard sometimes. I like to fight, it's very much in me to be a fighter, and I'd rather fight than just accept unwelcome situations. Sometimes fighting is the appropriate response, like when one has cancer. Often, however, it isn't, and a very difficult life lesson for me is accept gracefully, instead of sulking or starting a fight. I don't think I can fully express how difficult this one is, how very contrary to my nature it is, and how hard it can be to tell what response would be most appropriate. I end up fighting myself, and things go downhill from there.
But!
I feel like something's shifted around in the bowels of that beasty, and I think I may have gotten to a place on that path more like solid ground than quicksand. This is good.
Other people...I like having people in my life. I'm a private person, but not secretive, and fairly social. Sounds a bit contrary, but I swear it's not. I've recently started realizing how I've shoved just about everyone to arm's length or further over the past couple years or more. I've also brought some people in to arm's length, and am definitely ready to have more people there, and people within those arms. I have very few friends who are truly close, and you know what? I realized just the other day that if someone asked who my best guy friend is, I have no quick answer to that for the first time I can recall in my life. I think that's not a good thing.
I know what my baggage is, where it comes from, and how it works. There's alot of it, yes, but I'm dealing with it, and I surely don't expect that anyone will do it for me, or that a "soulmate" or "perfect relationship" or "finding my calling" or any other of those cliches will do that work for me or make the issues disappear. Not that such things mightn't have a helping influence, but they are not solutions of themselves, and I definitely get that.
I sometimes feel tired, tired like someone who's lived a much longer life, and sometimes I'm terribly bitter. I've been told that my eyes are almost painfully sad, even when my mood was good and my thoughts nice. I don't expect that anything can fully erase the visible traces of my life, and I don't think it'd be right expect that. I also don't think it's right to fixate on those things, either, or to fear them. It's just marks of the past.
I did this last night. Well, it was more like 4am, but before sleeping. I've been wanting to change my hair for a few weeks, and I feel satisfied with this. It felt good, cutting away the hair I grew this summer. Looks kinda tomboy-hipsterish, but it's good.