fanfic: crossroad

[hiroya_chan]

something i worked on over about 4 hours. it's d18, one of my favourite pairings. though yamahiba is technically my OTP, i haven't thought of any decent storyline for a 8018 fic yet.

this fic is situated slightly before the future arc, when the milliefore and vongola are fighting.

Title: Crossroad
Author: Hiroya-chan
Rating: PG13 (non-graphic smut)

Comments

[tosshi]

That... was awesome. I don't know how else to put it. There was a place or two with redundant wording, but it's easily looked past because the fic itself is just plain amazing. ♥ Lovin' the way you characterised both of them-- particularly Hibari, of course.

[hiroya_chan]

If it doesn't trouble you so much, I'd like to hear which parts you think ere redundant wordings. (: It's not that I plan to object, but merely want to improve my writing but knowing what you think was necessary. I appreciate advice and constructive criticism.

Hibari's characterisation is always a pain for me. In the manga, he's always cold and distant, but I always sorta thought that he might just express himself a little more in a relationship. XD

[tosshi]

"He can easily break free from Dino’s grasp and send the other man plummeting to the ground in a matter of seconds, but he decides that he could give the Cavallone about half a minute more before he bites the other man to death anyway."

You used "the other man" twice in there, and it stuck out to me a bit. =3 That's the one I really noticed. Don't be too afraid to drop names or pronouns. It doesn't hurt to substitute but if you're going to, mix it up a bit because substitutions will stand out to epople more than names, when you repeat.

Also, yeah. I think his anime image song lends a bit of insight to the way Hibari thinks, but we don't really get anything else and some people consider the song OOC. I can't wait to get some revelations into his backstory or motivations, myself. @o@ Would make writing/RPing him much easier.

[hiroya_chan]

I'm sorry. This fic was poorly edited. A direct violation of the importing rule, 'A good writer always goes back to edit.' Though of course, sleepiness does not suffice as a good enough reason for the mistakes in this story.

Ohh, that part. :O I'll try to avoid repeated substitutions from now on.

Yesh, it's always frustrating to never get to know what Hibari is really thinking in that little head of his. XD The anime song was nicey~! Yesh, it's albeit OOC 'cause he really sounds albeit...more vulnerable than he is in the anime in the song. At least, to me.

One of the things I'm dying to know about him is his backstory. AHHHHHHHH~!!

[tosshi]

Considering your overall writing ability, one mistake is definitely forgivable. 8D ♥

Srsly. D= I LIKE him being vulnerable inside, as most people who act like he does in the real world do it because of some sort of mental/emotional injury. But I'm just a dork for the angst & sap. orz

He's just so good at keeping everything in that it's hard to tell WHAT'S underneath. The backstory would help a lot. (I except Kusakabe knows. Doesn't Hibari refer to him by his first name? I've seen it in a lot of fic)

[hiroya_chan]

Ahahahahahax, that's what makes him such a lovable character! XP

Yeah, I think Kusakabe knows, too. He gets along with Hibari quite well. :O Yesh, if I'm not mistaken, they do refer to each other by their first names.

Though, Kusakabe x Hibari is still a little awkward for me... >,

[tosshi]

If Kusakabe was a pretty boy, the whole fandom would ship it. XD But yes, it's a little awkward. I'm pretty sure it's as canon as any slash in the series is, though. orz

[hiroya_chan]

XDDD So true~! Too bad I expect most people think Kusakabe is in bad need of a makeover.