(no subject)
Went on a date last night. Hard to matter. She's my best friend and the thing that makes me feel the most everything. I get that we'll never be married and she'll never be in love with me. I just miss her. Miss her and her missing me. Do you know how horrible it feels when someone stops missing you, stops worrying about you? Not just stops being in love with you, but stops actively loving you at all?
No texts to send me good thoughts or feelings.
No (even short) calls to make sure I'm doing okay, or that I'm not losing my shit.
No making plans or even any interaction unless I initiate it or she needs something.
No missing me
No missing me
No missing me
Like I miss my best friend
Six years or more, and she'll still drop me and close the door hard for the first romantic notion or pretty face. For anything really. I've always been the default, the backup plan, the thing she reactivates when she's bored or doesn't have anything else terribly interesting going on.
I've given up so many parts of myself, of my pride, of my self-security, of my self-esteem just trying to make her see me as special, unique, important to 1/10th of the degree I see her that way. Not be in love with me, just love me. All I ever see is her walking away. And she gets to do this to me forever. I'll always let her back in. Always want her to be okay. Always leave any event, date, whatever to come pick her up if she needs me, to talk to her.
When I know she's bad, I text, I call, I check on her. I try to surprise her with nice things.
It's never the same in reverse. She has so much regard for every other friend besides me. And that is the part that hurts like a bitch.
Not what she does, but that it's not hard for her.
Not that she leaves, but that it's so easy.
Not that I miss her, but that she doesn't miss me beyond a passing thought.
That I need her in my life in some way, shape, or form, and I honestly doubt she would have much of a reaction at all if she was never going to see me again.
At the very least, I expected a "Happy Father's Day".
No texts to send me good thoughts or feelings.
No (even short) calls to make sure I'm doing okay, or that I'm not losing my shit.
No making plans or even any interaction unless I initiate it or she needs something.
No missing me
No missing me
No missing me
Like I miss my best friend
Six years or more, and she'll still drop me and close the door hard for the first romantic notion or pretty face. For anything really. I've always been the default, the backup plan, the thing she reactivates when she's bored or doesn't have anything else terribly interesting going on.
I've given up so many parts of myself, of my pride, of my self-security, of my self-esteem just trying to make her see me as special, unique, important to 1/10th of the degree I see her that way. Not be in love with me, just love me. All I ever see is her walking away. And she gets to do this to me forever. I'll always let her back in. Always want her to be okay. Always leave any event, date, whatever to come pick her up if she needs me, to talk to her.
When I know she's bad, I text, I call, I check on her. I try to surprise her with nice things.
It's never the same in reverse. She has so much regard for every other friend besides me. And that is the part that hurts like a bitch.
Not what she does, but that it's not hard for her.
Not that she leaves, but that it's so easy.
Not that I miss her, but that she doesn't miss me beyond a passing thought.
That I need her in my life in some way, shape, or form, and I honestly doubt she would have much of a reaction at all if she was never going to see me again.
At the very least, I expected a "Happy Father's Day".