(no subject)
Petty side: Heard you got some new hair. It's probably colorful and attention provoking. If it only it was as easy to change yourself. Heard you got yourself a new boyfriend. The one you've waiting 6 months for. Not at all surprised. You never could be single for more than a month or two. What happened to finding yourself? To working out your issues of self. Or freeing yourself of codependency? I guess the same thing that happened to not sleeping with everyone you got a chance with. Your conviction is just less than the weight of your lack of willpower. You've been in serious relationships since you were 12. Nine years of of the most catalytic changes a person goes through, all holding on to one man or another. I guess you're just as full of shit with yourself as much as you are with everyone else. That makes sense. The fucked up part is that you still believe it.
Releasing: You guys make a cute couple. I'm glad you have a reason to smile. A person to fill up the space I left however long ago. I hope you're finally happy, sincerely. I feel bad/sorry/sad that I legitimately am certain you could have benefited from some long term isolation in single life. It would have bettered you and changed you in ways you won't see and won't develop now. Even if you do have good changes it won't be the same. I'm not sure you'll ever find out. I am legitimately enjoying single in ways I would have never seen. Fear and uncertainty kept me believing I would have such a hard, depressing time with this. When I finally let go I realized it wasn't at all what I thought it would be. I don't think it just has to do with good luck lately either. I feel sure. But you never know. But I've passed on two different relationship proposals at this point, and for no other reason than not wanting to jump back in that circuit so quickly. I feel genuinely proud about that. Genuinely happy in myself.
I feel peace lately. I won't lie, I can't stop little hurts from hitting my gut in reaction to the juxtaposition of who you/we used to be and who you are now. But it's an old kind of ache. One that pulses for a moment and blows away with the wind. I loved you. I love you. But we were always such different people. I just didn't see it through my cloudy dreamversion of you and all the smoke of lies you blew out so the image would work.
I find myself not caring what you do or where you are anymore. It's like my brain is just so in the habit of this hurting or me needing to care that I'm surprised when it's even on my mind for some small period of time. Like a fight you had with your best friend in middle school. Or like I'm constantly just trying to figure out the remaining paragraphs of our long and torrid novel, but the last page has already been written. All that remains is the epilogue, which won't be added for a long time yet.
All I know is people are people and we're all just trying to figure it out. I doubt you meant to do any worse than me. Your path looks so rough and sad. I can't help hoping better for you. I hope you live and learn. I hope you grow. I hope you find peace, happiness, and most of all yourself. I hope that for me too.
Releasing: You guys make a cute couple. I'm glad you have a reason to smile. A person to fill up the space I left however long ago. I hope you're finally happy, sincerely. I feel bad/sorry/sad that I legitimately am certain you could have benefited from some long term isolation in single life. It would have bettered you and changed you in ways you won't see and won't develop now. Even if you do have good changes it won't be the same. I'm not sure you'll ever find out. I am legitimately enjoying single in ways I would have never seen. Fear and uncertainty kept me believing I would have such a hard, depressing time with this. When I finally let go I realized it wasn't at all what I thought it would be. I don't think it just has to do with good luck lately either. I feel sure. But you never know. But I've passed on two different relationship proposals at this point, and for no other reason than not wanting to jump back in that circuit so quickly. I feel genuinely proud about that. Genuinely happy in myself.
I feel peace lately. I won't lie, I can't stop little hurts from hitting my gut in reaction to the juxtaposition of who you/we used to be and who you are now. But it's an old kind of ache. One that pulses for a moment and blows away with the wind. I loved you. I love you. But we were always such different people. I just didn't see it through my cloudy dreamversion of you and all the smoke of lies you blew out so the image would work.
I find myself not caring what you do or where you are anymore. It's like my brain is just so in the habit of this hurting or me needing to care that I'm surprised when it's even on my mind for some small period of time. Like a fight you had with your best friend in middle school. Or like I'm constantly just trying to figure out the remaining paragraphs of our long and torrid novel, but the last page has already been written. All that remains is the epilogue, which won't be added for a long time yet.
All I know is people are people and we're all just trying to figure it out. I doubt you meant to do any worse than me. Your path looks so rough and sad. I can't help hoping better for you. I hope you live and learn. I hope you grow. I hope you find peace, happiness, and most of all yourself. I hope that for me too.