(no subject)
Fear
I realized the other day that I have a lot of fear around this upcoming job change. To remind my readers I’ll let you know that come the middle of July I will be starting an internship with the union UNITE-HERE as a political organizer. It’s an eight-week internship with a possibility to hire afterwards. I’ll be organizing UNITE-HERE members to participate in the municipal election in November. Working for a union is something I’ve wanted to do for more than seven years now. I’ve been involved in more than 6 different organizing drives, and been the vice-president of a union for 1.5 years all in a volunteer capacity. I see unions as a mechanism towards economic democracy and therefore an absolute necessity in this world of the growing gap and the weakening position of the welfare state. (Depending on work today, I think I might do another post of this).
So yeah, this work is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. But this opportunity is freaking the hell out of me. I keep thinking about the following things and feeling stress. I hope that listing them out might take away some of their power.
1) This is my last chance to do this kind of work. Most unions do not hire outside of their own membership. So I would have to go work somewhere unionized and then become noticed by the union and THEN get hired. Of course, it’s rather hard to get jobs in unionized environments. There are only a few unions in Canada which hire from outside their membership: typically because the people they are organizing do not have the capacity to do it themselves. (In UNITE-HERE’s case, their membership is mostly people who work as cleaners in hotels, the laundry sector, or the textile sectors. These people are generally new immigrants who have limited English. UH hires people like myself because we are more able to work the crazy hours (since I have no kids) and have more experience doing political work than many of these types of people who are actually somewhat afraid of political organizing because of their experiences back home.)
2) I am more of a guarded person than I should be at the best of times. To be an organizer you have to be someone who is approachable and friendly. When I’m nervous I put my guard up. And because of my knowledge of #1, I’ll be more nervous than ever. I need to be able to relax in order to do this job well, but my concern to do the job well will make me not be relaxed. I know this because it’s largely what happened when I went to Saskatchewan last year. While that is a different set of circumstances, and the odds are more in my favour this time around, it’s still an intimidating situation which will make me nervous.
3) Doing this work is going to impact on my relationship my _myown_. We are not going to be able to devote as much time and thought to each other as we do now simply because I’ll be working longer and commuting to work. The placement is in Niagara Falls which means either driving a lot or staying in a hotel. (UH is covering the cost of car rental, gas, and/or hotels, so no worries about that.)
4) This job will require a lot of driving. I haven’t driven very much in my life. I have had a long history of conflict with my need to learn how to drive. Basically, I’m afraid of it. I finally got my license just a little over a year ago. The only driving I’ve done without an instructor was in Saskatwewan during that month with SEIU. This job will require driving a lot… both to get to-from Toronto and Niagara Falls, but also within NF. And on the 401/Queensway. All of my experience driving has been on simple SK highways, where you drive fast but there is barely any traffic and it’s all straight two lane roads. I’ll be driving through the craziness of GTA traffic… every day.
5) I have to get my G license. I have refresher lessons booked and G2-Exit Test booked. But I hate tests at the best of times. They always make me nervous. Ironically, the fear of tests makes me do poorly on them. Especially when so much is ridding on them. I have to get my G license or UH will not be able rent me a car (no one in Ontario rents to G2 drivers) and without a car, I can’t do my job.
6) If I fuck this up... it's back to admin jobs in non-union companies for me where I'm so bored that I'll spend an hour writting LiveJournal posts. That's a slow death if I ever knew one.
So yeah, I have a lot of fear to overcome in the next few months. Luckily my trust of _myown_ has been deepening lately as we settle into a more comfortable place and know that she will be there for me when I need it. This is largely my battle though. I have to hit these things head on by myself in order to beat them. I do feel though, that writing these words is one step in overcoming these things. To name the beast is to make it less powerful.
I realized the other day that I have a lot of fear around this upcoming job change. To remind my readers I’ll let you know that come the middle of July I will be starting an internship with the union UNITE-HERE as a political organizer. It’s an eight-week internship with a possibility to hire afterwards. I’ll be organizing UNITE-HERE members to participate in the municipal election in November. Working for a union is something I’ve wanted to do for more than seven years now. I’ve been involved in more than 6 different organizing drives, and been the vice-president of a union for 1.5 years all in a volunteer capacity. I see unions as a mechanism towards economic democracy and therefore an absolute necessity in this world of the growing gap and the weakening position of the welfare state. (Depending on work today, I think I might do another post of this).
So yeah, this work is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. But this opportunity is freaking the hell out of me. I keep thinking about the following things and feeling stress. I hope that listing them out might take away some of their power.
1) This is my last chance to do this kind of work. Most unions do not hire outside of their own membership. So I would have to go work somewhere unionized and then become noticed by the union and THEN get hired. Of course, it’s rather hard to get jobs in unionized environments. There are only a few unions in Canada which hire from outside their membership: typically because the people they are organizing do not have the capacity to do it themselves. (In UNITE-HERE’s case, their membership is mostly people who work as cleaners in hotels, the laundry sector, or the textile sectors. These people are generally new immigrants who have limited English. UH hires people like myself because we are more able to work the crazy hours (since I have no kids) and have more experience doing political work than many of these types of people who are actually somewhat afraid of political organizing because of their experiences back home.)
2) I am more of a guarded person than I should be at the best of times. To be an organizer you have to be someone who is approachable and friendly. When I’m nervous I put my guard up. And because of my knowledge of #1, I’ll be more nervous than ever. I need to be able to relax in order to do this job well, but my concern to do the job well will make me not be relaxed. I know this because it’s largely what happened when I went to Saskatchewan last year. While that is a different set of circumstances, and the odds are more in my favour this time around, it’s still an intimidating situation which will make me nervous.
3) Doing this work is going to impact on my relationship my _myown_. We are not going to be able to devote as much time and thought to each other as we do now simply because I’ll be working longer and commuting to work. The placement is in Niagara Falls which means either driving a lot or staying in a hotel. (UH is covering the cost of car rental, gas, and/or hotels, so no worries about that.)
4) This job will require a lot of driving. I haven’t driven very much in my life. I have had a long history of conflict with my need to learn how to drive. Basically, I’m afraid of it. I finally got my license just a little over a year ago. The only driving I’ve done without an instructor was in Saskatwewan during that month with SEIU. This job will require driving a lot… both to get to-from Toronto and Niagara Falls, but also within NF. And on the 401/Queensway. All of my experience driving has been on simple SK highways, where you drive fast but there is barely any traffic and it’s all straight two lane roads. I’ll be driving through the craziness of GTA traffic… every day.
5) I have to get my G license. I have refresher lessons booked and G2-Exit Test booked. But I hate tests at the best of times. They always make me nervous. Ironically, the fear of tests makes me do poorly on them. Especially when so much is ridding on them. I have to get my G license or UH will not be able rent me a car (no one in Ontario rents to G2 drivers) and without a car, I can’t do my job.
6) If I fuck this up... it's back to admin jobs in non-union companies for me where I'm so bored that I'll spend an hour writting LiveJournal posts. That's a slow death if I ever knew one.
So yeah, I have a lot of fear to overcome in the next few months. Luckily my trust of _myown_ has been deepening lately as we settle into a more comfortable place and know that she will be there for me when I need it. This is largely my battle though. I have to hit these things head on by myself in order to beat them. I do feel though, that writing these words is one step in overcoming these things. To name the beast is to make it less powerful.