In transit (flight or life?)
I am sitting at a Starbucks in Dubai airport now. I just spent nine dollars on a breakfast muffin. On the way to budapest Amanda bought the family four Shake Shack burgers and three milkshakes and it cost $110. This must be some covert way to subsidise the cost of airconditioning. It was 40 something degrees outside. Anyway, I’m on transit back to Singapore and have two hours to kill so I will update.
Tal’s wedding came and went, but not without lots of warm fuzzy moments. It was warm and fuzzy because her love with Tomi is very real. You could see how excited they were to begin their lives together. I don’t think I’ve seen a man look at a woman the way Tomi looks at Nat. Except maybe in movies. I want that kind of love. The movie kind.
On that topic I have a few thoughts. First, I was kidding about the movie kind. Secondly, Tal is so loveable. She is so good on the inside. She doesn’t care for impressing people. She is strong yet soft at the same time, having opinions and fun interests yet having so much love to give away. I do think you have to be that loveable to deserve that kind of love.
Thirdly, relationships are so varied. Natal and Tomi are from different ends of the earth. Literally. Lish and Ken are from the same country and backgrounds, but have characters that are worlds apart. Lish is that Regina George mean girl, the confident, loud, funny bitchy popular girl in school that everyone would expect to date a jock. But she loves Ken. Ken is the most mild mannered man I have met. Which brings me to my realisation on this trip - No matter how I evaluate compatibility, or no matter what someone looks like to me in terms of personality or character or strengths and weaknesses, someone else sees him or her differently. We all want different things in our relationships and we evaluate people according to different yardsticks. Tal wants someone kind and real, so race, or country, don’t matter as much. Lish wants someone who loves her like crazy, even when she PMSes and throws things at walls, so nothing else really matters. Yet we all think that the same universal things must good for everyone and to the same extent - like shared values, or a good nature - these are uncontested must haves, right? There are so many times I have looked at some couples and thought to myself, wow, really? You like that guy? Should I tell her she deserves better? If I were to be a good friend I should probably tell her what she doesn't see, right?
If I had, I would have been so wrong. When I judge based on my own benchmarks, it’s like a frog telling a dog that his other dog friend isn’t great because he ain’t slimy enough. Okay bad example but my point is that what I think is good, or bad, really might not be that great or bad to my friend. And to tell them otherwise is to make them evaluate the person they love on my benchmarks and values, not theirs. The same goes for when other people tell me that I should forego the things I'm looking for, they don’t see things and people the way I do.
People tell me I am idealistic. They tell me that what I’m searching for isn’t necessary, and that I should learn to concentrate on other things. I am searching for a soulmate. They say that you can find that kind of stuff in your girlfriends and that you don’t need a guy to play that role. They say you just need a guy who loves you and will take care of you. Maybe for some, but that’s not me. I need someone who understands me and I need someone I can respect. Over the years I’ve sort of figured out what that takes. It takes someone Godly enough to know where the root of my actions, ideas, beliefs, and perspectives lie and how I intend to live my life in the future. It takes someoneinsightful and emotionally aware enough to see beyond the surface of things and see people and things for what they truly are. It takes someone kind enough to see those things, which are quite often bad and selfish, but have the heart to accept, or even love anyway and help me do the same. And I need someone extremely intelligent, but... that's just because I think intelligence is sexy (tried to forego this but I just can't. Brains are my thing.) Anyway, the ones who tell me I don’t need these things are evaluating what I need based on their own benchmarks.
I used to listen to such advice and think maybe they are right. Maybe I am placing too much importance on finding someone who understands me. Maybe my standards for respect are too high - how kind and capable do I expect a real human to be? After all, I haven’t done very well in this department with my past relationships. I give up great perfectly functioning relationships in search for more. But I now think that they are wrong. The advice is based on the assumption that the same things will impact our relationships in the same way. Not everyone needs someone kind, not everyone needs someone who has the same values even; not everyone needs someone hot / cute, or funny, or cool, or rich with a good career, but some people do. And that’s okay. All these universal ‘must haves’ or ‘must nots’ are really just guiding principles. There is definitely wisdom in the age and experience of others, which should be heeded, but ultimately we should learn to trust our gut more.
Having said all that, I have trusted my gut (though doubted it many times too)... but this could really just be some kind of confirmation bias (self constructed) and a way to make myself feel better for all the good relationships I have written off too quickly. As I grow older I notice my judgments have become more rushed and unforgiving too. I have met a rare few who could have been this soul mate unicorn thing, if only I had explained myself better and given the whole thing more time.
Want to end less dramatically but I have nothing much else to say. I’ll go consider paying $12 for a caramel macchiato now and then head to my gate.