Reflections about law school
I graduate tomorrow! Or rather, today. It is three am and I told myself to sleep before midnight but my sleep cycle is messed up.
Some thoughts:
Law school was hard. I would have never imagined needing to study as much as I did over the last three years.
I met many awesome people. Very many different personalities. But all very bright, extremely capable.
Law school made me feel stupid. There are so many people who are immensely brighter, sharper, and more capable than I am.
I learnt that success and intelligence are my counterfeit gods. Few things get me lower than failing at what I pour my heart into. Few things suck more to me than feeling stupid.
I made good gay friends. Not the kind of friends who you say hi to once in a while but real friends that I've come to love. They helped me understand a bit better what it was like to grow up gay; what it was like to never have had feelings for someone of the opposite sex; what it was like to not feel physically attracted to someone of the opposite sex, even if they are standing there striped naked.
I cheated in law school. I didn't realise I was cheating then. I changed a remark in a group project as the professor was discussing the answers and re submitted the report. Can I say that I didn't realise I was cheating? I knew, cognitively, of course. But I wasn't morally conscious of what I was doing. All I could think of was all the late nights we had put in for this project, how much I needed my grade, and how stupid our errors were. My mind was too preoccupied with what I needed to do to get the grade and how what I did in the next two minutes could make that possible.
I'd like to think I take my morals very seriously. I'd like to think that I know right from wrong, and I choose the right thing to do. But I guess not. Not this time. What about the next?
Eventually, because I am a bad cheater and I changed the document in the midst of class, turning around across three levelled rows to discuss the changes with my group mates, and openly making the changes as I sat in the first row, I got reported. Which is when I realised, well, I was cheating. Not changing a small error, or typo, or whatever I could call it for excuses, but cheating.
Nothing happened to me. My professor called me into his office and asked me why I did what I did. He didn't give me a lower grade. He just compared the earlier copy with the new and said he would mark off the old. Which made me a bit mad because I had decided that I wanted to be punished to learn. He laughed at me. That made me a bit angrier. I emailed him after our meeting and told him again that I deserved a lower grade from my group members. He told me that the conversation has ended and to close the issue.
As I read how I just recounted the incident I note that I am stilling trying to justify my actions, or make it seem like it was less serious than it was. It might not have had any physical consequence, but it has marred my better memories in law school and made me question what I am capable of doing in stressful situations. This is probably a foreshadow of things to come - and that this will serve as a reminder, when more is at stake and more is to be gained, my morals will be tested, and I cannot justify me letting them slip.
Success is still my counterfeit god but God is faithful. Unfortunately that probably means that I have more humbling experiences to go through - be it in struggling to do as well as I'd like in life, becoming a cheater, or other creative ways I'm sure God will plan to break me (not looking forward). I just hope I can surrender daily and change before God needs to intervene.
Many other things I wanted to note down about my law school experience but it is now four am. Will continue this another time.
Some thoughts:
Law school was hard. I would have never imagined needing to study as much as I did over the last three years.
I met many awesome people. Very many different personalities. But all very bright, extremely capable.
Law school made me feel stupid. There are so many people who are immensely brighter, sharper, and more capable than I am.
I learnt that success and intelligence are my counterfeit gods. Few things get me lower than failing at what I pour my heart into. Few things suck more to me than feeling stupid.
I made good gay friends. Not the kind of friends who you say hi to once in a while but real friends that I've come to love. They helped me understand a bit better what it was like to grow up gay; what it was like to never have had feelings for someone of the opposite sex; what it was like to not feel physically attracted to someone of the opposite sex, even if they are standing there striped naked.
I cheated in law school. I didn't realise I was cheating then. I changed a remark in a group project as the professor was discussing the answers and re submitted the report. Can I say that I didn't realise I was cheating? I knew, cognitively, of course. But I wasn't morally conscious of what I was doing. All I could think of was all the late nights we had put in for this project, how much I needed my grade, and how stupid our errors were. My mind was too preoccupied with what I needed to do to get the grade and how what I did in the next two minutes could make that possible.
I'd like to think I take my morals very seriously. I'd like to think that I know right from wrong, and I choose the right thing to do. But I guess not. Not this time. What about the next?
Eventually, because I am a bad cheater and I changed the document in the midst of class, turning around across three levelled rows to discuss the changes with my group mates, and openly making the changes as I sat in the first row, I got reported. Which is when I realised, well, I was cheating. Not changing a small error, or typo, or whatever I could call it for excuses, but cheating.
Nothing happened to me. My professor called me into his office and asked me why I did what I did. He didn't give me a lower grade. He just compared the earlier copy with the new and said he would mark off the old. Which made me a bit mad because I had decided that I wanted to be punished to learn. He laughed at me. That made me a bit angrier. I emailed him after our meeting and told him again that I deserved a lower grade from my group members. He told me that the conversation has ended and to close the issue.
As I read how I just recounted the incident I note that I am stilling trying to justify my actions, or make it seem like it was less serious than it was. It might not have had any physical consequence, but it has marred my better memories in law school and made me question what I am capable of doing in stressful situations. This is probably a foreshadow of things to come - and that this will serve as a reminder, when more is at stake and more is to be gained, my morals will be tested, and I cannot justify me letting them slip.
Success is still my counterfeit god but God is faithful. Unfortunately that probably means that I have more humbling experiences to go through - be it in struggling to do as well as I'd like in life, becoming a cheater, or other creative ways I'm sure God will plan to break me (not looking forward). I just hope I can surrender daily and change before God needs to intervene.
Many other things I wanted to note down about my law school experience but it is now four am. Will continue this another time.