(no subject)
i decided to stay up and tear up the house looking for the various proofs of income to take to time auto sales. i never did actually find the xavier award letter but managed to come up with what i felt would be
enuf validation of my income anyway. stopped by the bank to get some cash for down payment. good news the check cleared from robke chevrolet and i was able to get more dough BUT now the charge from budget is missing so that means i probably will owe that at the end of the rental. and i have no real clue what is what with my account since the manager fucked it up as far as access over the phone when he changed the password which he said he wasnt going to...longer story than it sounds even. ANYway it took FOREVER at the bank and i was the only one in line. who knows what was going on. well i then drove to richwood ky.
and kept wondering if i was doin the right thing looking at a car as i probably cant afford to take on a car down payment, rental car, and bills -cable and cell.and garbage and grass cutting and insurance before the middle of next month.
fate intervened and the car i had my eye on from the other day was no longer there. it had been sold. i was
pretty fed up since everything like what i wanted was about 2-300 more of a down payment. and the one i wanted had a sunroof. soooooooo i called budget and ONCE again am driving a new car-still the cobalt.
the thrill of the new car-which i never cared for as much as the cavalier-is wearing off. i dont think the car has the power that it should. the ac seems to drag it down. not so good for a car with only 1800 miles on it.
went looking for the hebron post office to find some air letters to mail to aunt.for some reason air letters are scarce these days. managed to get all twisted
about and the store clerk i asked had NO idea how to find it.
amazing isnt it how just looking for a post office can be a major adventure.
i enjoyed driving thru some of the more rural areas around the airport. wouldnt mind living in a small kentucky river town. i remember the teeny ones going east when i went to see fireworks. theres some
real small places in kentucky. i think maybe that is what i need in my life.
i am ready to leave cincinnati. leave xavier. just hang out all day in the shack on ssi. fuck a future.
whats the point anyway.nothing ever works out. i kinda just want to be left alone to lie in bed all day.
maybe stare at ducks along a river bank -about the extent of any involvement i want with life.
if i had the nerve i would have ran the cobalt into the river with the windows up and the doors locked.
myself inside. i hate the redness of that car. and really wouldnt mind checkin out. it seems a bit silly to hope for a life at my age. OBVIOUSLY i am NOT going to have any human love. that much is plain.
and sex is no doubt out of the question as well. since i wouldnt give it to rick even if he did want it.
which i am sure he will attempt to contact me when he is horny and some other bimbo isnt available.
i am probably going to be having to leave this house where i am living. that should be good for a huge dose of depression to add to the shit i have now.
i dont seem to fit into anyones plans. and honestly i dont want to counsel anyone. i dont even care if i get a degree anymore. it mighta been nice ten yrs ago when i still had some life left in me but now it all seems like it is too little too late.
everytime i let myself believe things could work out....men, car, money, house...whatever....something always comes along to prove me the sucker. i am starting to believe that any positivity on my part is either sheer stupidity or i an naive beyond all hell.
i look women in the gas station. on the back of bikes and think why is it I am never on one. i know bikers. i have been sleeping with one for the last 4-5 yrs. what is it about ME that leaves men cold and either wanting nothing to do with me sexually or else ONLY wanting to have sex with me.
five years. it means nothing to rick. how can he be so fucking cold as to go to those fireworks and not even ask me to sit with him when i mentioned it to him in the first place about going. not even calling me
about it. going with kim and her boyfriend who was supposed to be broken up with her for the tenth time( ok he only said seven times...my bad). kim who is soooo fuckin friendly to my face asks me about how rick is and then doesnt include me. is it ricks doing or hers or both? guess she is having a good laff at my expense. hahah dumbass gerry....rick is using her. poor deluded bitch. she means nothing to him.
ok it is time to stop ranting and get to bed at almost 2 in the afternoon.i am sure the fuckin grass cutter will come by and knock since he didnt get his money yesterday. fuck him. let him see what it is like to need money and not have it.
if i could i would leave town tonite and not come back. i sure dont want to read any damn counseling articles. i could give a fucking shit less about supervison. i dont care to supervise any counselors-
i dont care to learn it at all. i went to school to learn counseling techniques of which i got about 5 min.
the rest has been a bunch of bullshit bizzy work irrelevant crap and paper writing out the wazhoo.
i think sometimes i would rather be in a factory.
enuf validation of my income anyway. stopped by the bank to get some cash for down payment. good news the check cleared from robke chevrolet and i was able to get more dough BUT now the charge from budget is missing so that means i probably will owe that at the end of the rental. and i have no real clue what is what with my account since the manager fucked it up as far as access over the phone when he changed the password which he said he wasnt going to...longer story than it sounds even. ANYway it took FOREVER at the bank and i was the only one in line. who knows what was going on. well i then drove to richwood ky.
and kept wondering if i was doin the right thing looking at a car as i probably cant afford to take on a car down payment, rental car, and bills -cable and cell.and garbage and grass cutting and insurance before the middle of next month.
fate intervened and the car i had my eye on from the other day was no longer there. it had been sold. i was
pretty fed up since everything like what i wanted was about 2-300 more of a down payment. and the one i wanted had a sunroof. soooooooo i called budget and ONCE again am driving a new car-still the cobalt.
the thrill of the new car-which i never cared for as much as the cavalier-is wearing off. i dont think the car has the power that it should. the ac seems to drag it down. not so good for a car with only 1800 miles on it.
went looking for the hebron post office to find some air letters to mail to aunt.for some reason air letters are scarce these days. managed to get all twisted
about and the store clerk i asked had NO idea how to find it.
amazing isnt it how just looking for a post office can be a major adventure.
i enjoyed driving thru some of the more rural areas around the airport. wouldnt mind living in a small kentucky river town. i remember the teeny ones going east when i went to see fireworks. theres some
real small places in kentucky. i think maybe that is what i need in my life.
i am ready to leave cincinnati. leave xavier. just hang out all day in the shack on ssi. fuck a future.
whats the point anyway.nothing ever works out. i kinda just want to be left alone to lie in bed all day.
maybe stare at ducks along a river bank -about the extent of any involvement i want with life.
if i had the nerve i would have ran the cobalt into the river with the windows up and the doors locked.
myself inside. i hate the redness of that car. and really wouldnt mind checkin out. it seems a bit silly to hope for a life at my age. OBVIOUSLY i am NOT going to have any human love. that much is plain.
and sex is no doubt out of the question as well. since i wouldnt give it to rick even if he did want it.
which i am sure he will attempt to contact me when he is horny and some other bimbo isnt available.
i am probably going to be having to leave this house where i am living. that should be good for a huge dose of depression to add to the shit i have now.
i dont seem to fit into anyones plans. and honestly i dont want to counsel anyone. i dont even care if i get a degree anymore. it mighta been nice ten yrs ago when i still had some life left in me but now it all seems like it is too little too late.
everytime i let myself believe things could work out....men, car, money, house...whatever....something always comes along to prove me the sucker. i am starting to believe that any positivity on my part is either sheer stupidity or i an naive beyond all hell.
i look women in the gas station. on the back of bikes and think why is it I am never on one. i know bikers. i have been sleeping with one for the last 4-5 yrs. what is it about ME that leaves men cold and either wanting nothing to do with me sexually or else ONLY wanting to have sex with me.
five years. it means nothing to rick. how can he be so fucking cold as to go to those fireworks and not even ask me to sit with him when i mentioned it to him in the first place about going. not even calling me
about it. going with kim and her boyfriend who was supposed to be broken up with her for the tenth time( ok he only said seven times...my bad). kim who is soooo fuckin friendly to my face asks me about how rick is and then doesnt include me. is it ricks doing or hers or both? guess she is having a good laff at my expense. hahah dumbass gerry....rick is using her. poor deluded bitch. she means nothing to him.
ok it is time to stop ranting and get to bed at almost 2 in the afternoon.i am sure the fuckin grass cutter will come by and knock since he didnt get his money yesterday. fuck him. let him see what it is like to need money and not have it.
if i could i would leave town tonite and not come back. i sure dont want to read any damn counseling articles. i could give a fucking shit less about supervison. i dont care to supervise any counselors-
i dont care to learn it at all. i went to school to learn counseling techniques of which i got about 5 min.
the rest has been a bunch of bullshit bizzy work irrelevant crap and paper writing out the wazhoo.
i think sometimes i would rather be in a factory.