MRSA
In light of recent news about a potential epidemic of methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus, and its hardcore brother, vancomyocin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus, I thought I would put together a few tips to avoid it. I mean, hey, I'm on a scholarship to a state school. Consider this post the result of my gratitude to society.
So, how do you avoid MRSA?
1) If you're a member of the media, be sure to anthropomorphize disease. Colorful phrases and folksy wit such as "rogue strain," "superbug," and "like Genghis Khan on anabolic steroids, capable of ripping muscle from bone" have been demonstrated to calm the public into assessing the situation rationally and not dissolving into mass hysteria.
2) Use antibiotics for everything you can find. So-called "experts" would have you believe that superfluous use of antibiotics hastens the antibiotic resistance of bacteria, but what do they know? You have to use as many anti-microbials as you can to show Staphylococcus that you mean business!
3) On that note, absolutely insist that your primary care doctor (if you even have one - you uninsured lump of societal parasitism) prescribe you antibiotics for every hint of a cold, sore throat, sneeze, or any other iota of hypochondriac hysteria that besets your delusional cortex. I mean, sure, viruses cause colds, not bacteria, but YOU CAME TO THE DOCTOR AND YOU ARE NOT LEAVING WITHOUT A PRESCRIPTION, DAMN IT!
4) Better yet, forget your primary care doctor altogether. Aforementioned iotas of hypochondriac hysteria are a job for the good folks at your local ER. Nosocomial, or hospital-acquired, Staphylococcus infections have been around since at least 1961, when MRSA was discovered. So folks at the hospital would have a lot of experience dealing with stuff like that. Be sure to visit the hospital as much as possible. For luck, be sure to lance your boils, pop your blisters, and itch your rashes to raw skin before going. Once you're there, rub your vulnerable flesh on every surface you find.
5) Don't wash your hands. Shower as infrequently as possible, for the same reason: it's important to build up your immune system by exposing it to as many pathogens as you can. For practice, try eating canned food past its expiration date to see if you can get botulism or eating raw eggs, looking for a good case of salmonella. I mean, come on! What have you got to lose?
Brought to you by a semester of undergrad microbiology training at UMass and a sense of duty.
So, how do you avoid MRSA?
1) If you're a member of the media, be sure to anthropomorphize disease. Colorful phrases and folksy wit such as "rogue strain," "superbug," and "like Genghis Khan on anabolic steroids, capable of ripping muscle from bone" have been demonstrated to calm the public into assessing the situation rationally and not dissolving into mass hysteria.
2) Use antibiotics for everything you can find. So-called "experts" would have you believe that superfluous use of antibiotics hastens the antibiotic resistance of bacteria, but what do they know? You have to use as many anti-microbials as you can to show Staphylococcus that you mean business!
3) On that note, absolutely insist that your primary care doctor (if you even have one - you uninsured lump of societal parasitism) prescribe you antibiotics for every hint of a cold, sore throat, sneeze, or any other iota of hypochondriac hysteria that besets your delusional cortex. I mean, sure, viruses cause colds, not bacteria, but YOU CAME TO THE DOCTOR AND YOU ARE NOT LEAVING WITHOUT A PRESCRIPTION, DAMN IT!
4) Better yet, forget your primary care doctor altogether. Aforementioned iotas of hypochondriac hysteria are a job for the good folks at your local ER. Nosocomial, or hospital-acquired, Staphylococcus infections have been around since at least 1961, when MRSA was discovered. So folks at the hospital would have a lot of experience dealing with stuff like that. Be sure to visit the hospital as much as possible. For luck, be sure to lance your boils, pop your blisters, and itch your rashes to raw skin before going. Once you're there, rub your vulnerable flesh on every surface you find.
5) Don't wash your hands. Shower as infrequently as possible, for the same reason: it's important to build up your immune system by exposing it to as many pathogens as you can. For practice, try eating canned food past its expiration date to see if you can get botulism or eating raw eggs, looking for a good case of salmonella. I mean, come on! What have you got to lose?
Brought to you by a semester of undergrad microbiology training at UMass and a sense of duty.