(no subject)
blah, i don't "blog". i think i should. maybe i don't because i can't stand the word blog. nah, that's not it. it'd be funny if it were the reason. my stomach is full of a large submarine sandwich. i guess i can't call it that since it wasn't in the shape of a submarine. if you recal, submaries are rectangluar. the sandwich i ate was fairly circular in nature.
i need to talk to my mother about what she did. it's so difficult though. oh so difficult. i'm mad and hurt, disappointed ashamed scared baffled hurt upset scared lonely fearful mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad...i'm so FUCKING mad at her. i'm her daughter. she's supposed to be in my corner and no one elses. how could she pick some guy over me...what he did is inexcusable...but she made so many excuses...too fucking many. how am i supposed to be happy with her. i can't stand her. i can't look at her face. the though of it infuriates me. i want to let this anger go, but it feels so much better to hold on to it. i've supressed it for so long...arguably too long. but i'm a chicken and a softy. i'm too afraid to hurt someone by telling them they did something wrong. i don't want conflict. everything has to be gravy...it has to be. if not, i'll end up all alone. i'd have to feel....i'd have to wake up and feel...be vulnerable...share myself...i don't want to do that....it's why i'm alone now...in more ways than one. i just need to fucking wake up. WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need to talk to my mother about what she did. it's so difficult though. oh so difficult. i'm mad and hurt, disappointed ashamed scared baffled hurt upset scared lonely fearful mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad...i'm so FUCKING mad at her. i'm her daughter. she's supposed to be in my corner and no one elses. how could she pick some guy over me...what he did is inexcusable...but she made so many excuses...too fucking many. how am i supposed to be happy with her. i can't stand her. i can't look at her face. the though of it infuriates me. i want to let this anger go, but it feels so much better to hold on to it. i've supressed it for so long...arguably too long. but i'm a chicken and a softy. i'm too afraid to hurt someone by telling them they did something wrong. i don't want conflict. everything has to be gravy...it has to be. if not, i'll end up all alone. i'd have to feel....i'd have to wake up and feel...be vulnerable...share myself...i don't want to do that....it's why i'm alone now...in more ways than one. i just need to fucking wake up. WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!