seems like a good idea
I only have like...2 weeks before I'm gone. I never pay this site any attention anymore. I don't read anyone's entries, I don't respond to comments...I'm a perfectly horrid lj user. But there are so many things paddling about in my head right now.
I have all this new stuff. I have my own checking account and will soon have a debit card. I have a laptop with a cute little wireless mouse, and apparently I'll soon have a printer. I'm still getting all my music onto itunes, and there are already 4 thousand, 2 hundred and something songs on there. I have a new backpack. My mom is sewing me a new purse out of a pair of denim shorts with hot pink embroidery I loved to wear and will never fit in again no matter how much weight I lose because my hips are permanently a certain width. She's also quilting me a duvet out of fabrics I picked out. It'll be like this cosmic explosion straight out of rainbow brite.
I've been assigned an FYS (First Year Seminar) that is writing about music. I'm going to study people like Lester Bangs. I'm figuring maybe the rest of my fall course load should be modern dance, intro to psych, and math just to get it out of the way.
I am talking to so many people who will be at school with me. We have this whole big community on facebook, see. A hundred or so girls who haven't met yet. I've been connected to my roommate of whom I know a very few solid facts, like she's from Chicago, and she was raised Jewish. I've seen a picture, and I know she has brown hair and brown eyes. I know less solid things as well, like music she likes, movies she enjoys, and a few attitudes she has. She seems like someone I can very well live with. She actually seems infinitely cooler than I am. I am placed on a 2nd floor hall with a bunch of lively girls, several of whom I have much in common with. I've also been assigned a Scottie Sister. They do this thing where they pair all the fresh(wo)men with juniors. I'm not sure what the big sisters' jobs entail besides just generally helping us settle into college life and doing stuff sometimes. My Scottie Sister is a very enthusiastic skinny girl on student Senate who also seems like someone I'll get along with famously. She posted on my facebook wall and called me "little sister." For some reason, I really like that. It's very...comforting. I've kind of always been the big sister.
I don't have the sort of nagging sentimentality so many girls boast right before college. As ill-prepared as I feel, I am very emotionally ready for college. More like emotionally impatient. I am worried about leaving some people behind. Not so much my family. They're really sort of everlasting. But people like Squid and Sue. I'll go to another world, and they'll remain in this one. Going on to new things is wonderful, and I haven't done it in a very long time...but every time I go on to new things, old things fade against my will. I don't like it. At all.
The idea of me and males is always floating about, and it hasn't been in the forefront for a while. I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but some time not too long after I saw him for the first time in 2 years, I finally let go of Jordan. There will always be a little bit of pain with regards to him, but I am finally able to say, "To hell with Jordan." I don't hate him, but I am not going to try anymore. Because he hardly ever tried. And I don't mean romantically. I just mean connection. We had it briefly. But it's gone, and I will mourn it, but I won't try to recover it. He might have had my heart these past 2 years all together without my having really known it. But now he doesn't. And I don't ever want to love anyone ever again who makes me feel so unimpressive.
I have no idea what to expect from guys when I get to school. I have no idea what to expect of myself. I'm just tired of trying to impress and failing. I just want to have fun. I want to lose that switch I turn on that commands: "Be cool. Behave. Worry about what other people think...because it's probably bad."
To everyone who makes me feel like that: to hell with you.
Oh, the wheel is turning.
I have all this new stuff. I have my own checking account and will soon have a debit card. I have a laptop with a cute little wireless mouse, and apparently I'll soon have a printer. I'm still getting all my music onto itunes, and there are already 4 thousand, 2 hundred and something songs on there. I have a new backpack. My mom is sewing me a new purse out of a pair of denim shorts with hot pink embroidery I loved to wear and will never fit in again no matter how much weight I lose because my hips are permanently a certain width. She's also quilting me a duvet out of fabrics I picked out. It'll be like this cosmic explosion straight out of rainbow brite.
I've been assigned an FYS (First Year Seminar) that is writing about music. I'm going to study people like Lester Bangs. I'm figuring maybe the rest of my fall course load should be modern dance, intro to psych, and math just to get it out of the way.
I am talking to so many people who will be at school with me. We have this whole big community on facebook, see. A hundred or so girls who haven't met yet. I've been connected to my roommate of whom I know a very few solid facts, like she's from Chicago, and she was raised Jewish. I've seen a picture, and I know she has brown hair and brown eyes. I know less solid things as well, like music she likes, movies she enjoys, and a few attitudes she has. She seems like someone I can very well live with. She actually seems infinitely cooler than I am. I am placed on a 2nd floor hall with a bunch of lively girls, several of whom I have much in common with. I've also been assigned a Scottie Sister. They do this thing where they pair all the fresh(wo)men with juniors. I'm not sure what the big sisters' jobs entail besides just generally helping us settle into college life and doing stuff sometimes. My Scottie Sister is a very enthusiastic skinny girl on student Senate who also seems like someone I'll get along with famously. She posted on my facebook wall and called me "little sister." For some reason, I really like that. It's very...comforting. I've kind of always been the big sister.
I don't have the sort of nagging sentimentality so many girls boast right before college. As ill-prepared as I feel, I am very emotionally ready for college. More like emotionally impatient. I am worried about leaving some people behind. Not so much my family. They're really sort of everlasting. But people like Squid and Sue. I'll go to another world, and they'll remain in this one. Going on to new things is wonderful, and I haven't done it in a very long time...but every time I go on to new things, old things fade against my will. I don't like it. At all.
The idea of me and males is always floating about, and it hasn't been in the forefront for a while. I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but some time not too long after I saw him for the first time in 2 years, I finally let go of Jordan. There will always be a little bit of pain with regards to him, but I am finally able to say, "To hell with Jordan." I don't hate him, but I am not going to try anymore. Because he hardly ever tried. And I don't mean romantically. I just mean connection. We had it briefly. But it's gone, and I will mourn it, but I won't try to recover it. He might have had my heart these past 2 years all together without my having really known it. But now he doesn't. And I don't ever want to love anyone ever again who makes me feel so unimpressive.
I have no idea what to expect from guys when I get to school. I have no idea what to expect of myself. I'm just tired of trying to impress and failing. I just want to have fun. I want to lose that switch I turn on that commands: "Be cool. Behave. Worry about what other people think...because it's probably bad."
To everyone who makes me feel like that: to hell with you.
Oh, the wheel is turning.