this morning
You know some days when you just lose your grip on life and the will to live it? Maybe not. Or maybe everyone has them. I'm having one of those days. I think I'm better than I was this morning, but this morning was enough. Wanting to die, but not wanting to die. Wishing that my heart would simply stop beating. I can't figure out why I felt that way. For some reason a huge fog rolled in, and, even with imagining all the things ahead of me, I couldn't bring myself to feel like it was worth still going. Now I knew this morning that I wasn't going to kill myself. But what frightened me was what if I was 32 and had a day like this and felt so fogged up that I actually did it? If I can get this close, who's to say that, with time, I won't go all the way? You'll say me. But I don't know about that. That fog is astonishingly powerful.