(no subject)
two and a half years of love, time, and energy all gone to shit. i'm not saying it wasn't worth it, because when it was good it was better than ever, but i have nothing to show for it. not even a friendship. none of this had to happen. if you were a man, if you were mature, if you were considerate you would have been honest from day one. you would have told me when you wanted to separate, when you wanted to hang out with other people, when you got a fucking girlfriend. you could have simply said hey look i still want to make out with you every time i look at you so we probably shouldn't hang out. and i would have been fine with it. because every single time you look at me i can see it in your eyes, you can't help but have that stupid flirty smirk on your face, and even today after i basically said fuck you to you about the whole situation you came about an inch from my face with your stupid grin looking me dead in the eyes, you still kiss my cheek every time you hug me goodbye, so i understand that you don't fucking trust yourself with me since you're in a new relationship blah blah blah, but then just SAY that. don't make up lies and tell me what you think i want to hear in order for you to not have to have a real fucking conversation. yes still hurt, but a lot less and a lot less betrayed through all of this. instead you tell me we will hang out soon, they say that we can't hang out for a while, then say that you want to be friends and you promise we'll hang out soon, then say oh maybe like five months from now or something, well FUCK that. i'm finally at a place where i can really say go fuck yourself. first of all fuck you for destroying my self esteem. for the past few months almost every night i stayed with you you tried to or did get into my pants, the nights you didn't were nights that you decided we should be broken up. like how the fuck am i supposed to feel about myself being used like that. yes partly my fault because i let it happen, but i wanted it to, good decision or bad i wanted it. i always had to be on edge around you, i wasn't sure whether i was supposed to be relationship emily or friend emily, i always had to feel you out. i tried so hard to make everything work, not necessarily as a relationship but as friends, and then as soon as night time came you threw it all to hell. so fuck you. i tried to only be your friend, you wouldn't let that happen. anytime i tried to not let you be all over me you got extremely pissed off. not to mention about a week before you started ignoring me for some other girl you bitched at me for wearing a skirt to olive garden because you thought i was trying to attract guys. HA. i spend two and a half years trying to make it work, you lied to me for most of that time, went behind my back, became a completely different person in front of my eyes. you always told me you didn't want to be the ryan you were before me, before you were arrested. you wanted to go to school and you didn't want to sit around and smoke pot all the time and you wanted to do something with your life. so i tried to help you not do all those things, which in the end ended up pinning us against each other. you could be anything, you could do whatever you want, be whatever you want, but you won't. because you're immature and you don't care about anything except getting through the day being able to get high. i was the only good influence on your life, i was the only person you knew that would still want to hang out with you if you didn't do drugs. so now youre with some slutty girl who cares about nothing but getting fucked up also. so go sit around and get high and chop cheese steaks for the rest of your life. i have always been too good for you, and i should have walked out of your house the second i found out that you were selling drugs to the devil behind my back. you don't deserve me, i'm beautiful and smart and have a lot going for me. i have the world at my fingertips, i can and will be whoever or whatever i want. i don't have anymore time or energy to waste on you, some one that really doesn't give a shit about me. i am and always will be the best thing that has ever happened to you, and we both know that. i will always love you, but you can really go fuck yourself for all the bull shit. none of this had to happen. but it did, so fuck you dude.