(no subject)
Wow I cant believe Im actually writing in this thing.... its been forever, but im bored and there isnt much else to do but write. Its been like 6 months, almost, since my last post. Ha, the past 6 months...... theres so much to say about that. Man I dont even know what in the world has made everything change SO much since then. I mean, I thought my junior year was going to be crazy, but I wasnt even nearly ready enough for what kind of surprises it held. I learned so much about life, my friends, and mostly about myself throughout the year... but even more so since January. I've seen my friends break down to their all time low, and get back on their feet again. I've made up with people whom I NEVER thought I'd be friends with again. And speaking of friends, I've made so many new ones that I love dearly..... and I've strengthened my some of my old ones a lot as well. And I've even grown somewhat apart from my old friends, but thats just life I guess. The past 6 months has been nothing but constant change for me. Everything has changed for me it seems like. I've done things that I NEVER thought I'd do, some of which are really cool...and some of which I'm not proud of. But the things I'm most "unproud" of are the things I've learned the most from. Actually, even right now I'm still trying to figure out things about some situations. I've learned that a relationship cannot be built on a physical standpoint... and if it is, it most certainly cant withstand it. Communication is the key, ive learned, and its still taking me forever to find my right means of communication to express myself to people who most need to hear me. I no longer feel like my old self. I mean, I dont look like my old self either. I got 15 inches of my hair cut off on May 22, and I felt like a part of me went goodbye with my hair. A lot of people had based my personality on my hair, and its taken me awhile to show people that a person isnt a person because of the way they look. I'm still Jane, just with changes. I'm even more outspoken now, which could be a good or a bad thing. I've gotten so much courage to do things these past 6 months, its just unbelievable to me. I've figured out how to lift my own self up, when im feeling down....I could never do that before. I think I've lost a lot of dependence in other people, as well. The best way for me to learn things is for me to do them on my own. Instead of not caring what people thought, I care more now. ONly because I think its important to listen to your friends..even though Ive rarely taken any of their advice the past 6 months (sorry). I'm more stubborn now, and thats why I have to learn things on my own. I have such a determination now to get what I want... And to be honest, most of that determination is a fear of moving on. I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. I thought I had it all figured out. I was going to go to Savannah College of Art and Design and become a professional Fashion Photographer. One morning I woke up and decided yanno, I dont want to be a photographer anymore. The problem is, I had my mind set on it for so long that now I'm completely blank. I dont even have one single clue what else makes me happy...or what else i'd like to do as a career. I dont have a CLUE where I want to go to college or anything like that. Oh.....college. Wow, I cant believe Im going to be a senior this year. I'm totally syked, but so scared at the same time. I almost want to cry at the thought of leaving everyone (going to college). All I know is that I want to be happy. And thats been my goal for the past 6 months.... to be happy. Ive thought I was happy, more times than I can count. And other times I was just flat out depressed. I have an idea of what would make me happy, but I dont think that can completely fill it. I know my happiness has to come from God, because hes the source of complete satisfaction. Im anxious to see what He has in store for me. Im just so tired of not knowing what I want and not knowing if I'll ever even BE happy. Its time for another change, I think. Its my turn to be happy.... and I know that sounds selfish, and I suppose it is, but my life has been thrown into a whirlpool of ups and downs since even before January and my head and my heart cant take anymore spinning. Some people's indecisiveness has confused me to no end..... so FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT.... so I can start my journey on the road to happiness, thanks.