fuck me
I've been doing a lot of thinking today. Like I had total solitude, all day, well i was at work, but I completely blocked everyone and everything out (quite a difficult task at Taco Bell) and I put a lot of my life into perspective.
For starters, I figured out that I fail at everything I ever do or attempt to do. I fail in school. I fail at work. I fail in my personal life with relationships and all of that sort. I fail with my friends. I fail to appease my parents. But more than any of that, I fail to please myself. Which is obviously most important. So basically, I am an all around failure. Yay for me.
All I do lately is dissappoint myself. I think things at times that maybe are a little far fetched. Wishful thinking is a bitch. I don't know. Perhaps I live in a fantasy world. And in result, I just end up fucking everything up, like I always do, and then blaming myself for it, because it is always my fault. And then in turn, I depress myself.
And I decided that I need to get away. Somewhere, anywhere. I don't even care at the moment. I just need to be somewhere without any of the daily stress and the daily routine. I need to be away from people. All they do is make things worse. And for the ones who don't and that I want in my life, it isn't right to bring them down with me. Because that is exactly where I am going. I know running away doesn't solve problems, but for me, it is the only way I know how to deal. I push people away, and I dissappear. So sorry in advance if by chance i'm not around.
So yea...my apologies to all who have had to deal with my shit. I hopefully will no longer be a burden.
Another thing I've decided. I am going to get rid of my cell phone, because absolutley no one calls me anyways besides work. And I hardly use it. It's just $80 a month that I waste. And it's a broken piece of shit. So yea, might as well call me now while you still can.
The only good thing about my life right now is me attempting to quit smoking for the hundreth time. It's already been like two days.
And if anyone wants to hang out with me and watch LOTR before all of this, that would be great.
ok, I think that is all.
xoxo
♥
this is what living like this does