Adaptability
I have been moving since I was 9, started out in a rural place. Moved to a city-spent 6 months in one house, parents divorced, a year in another house with only my mother. Another city-a year in an apartment, a year in another apartment. Back to rural area- one year with my father. Back to the city- finally three years in one place, an apartment, too small. Moved out- 6 months with Dave (abusive ex who went to jail and who's fiancée died last year of poison which was sold to her instead of heroin), Dave and I become "homeless" and move from friend's house to friend's house to mother's house.
SURPRISE- I spend a week in a mental hospital.
Get out and get my own apartment for 6 months. Get a studio for a year.
Had enough, gotta get out, got the money, go to Viet Nam. No one knows me there. We are all wearing masks of travel. Superficial. Easy to smile. No one knows your past. Your future. Not enough time to get to know each other. Just smile and enjoy the moment.
Transferred one addiction to another- Travel. I was hooked. And then I ran out of money. But in that 3 year period I got to see 6 new countries, (WOAH, is this really *me* writing this?) traveled up the East coast of America, and lived in Manhattan for 9 months.
And now- I am TIRED. Wanna settle. And all of this moving around, all of this adaptablilty to new environments, finding out what works for me in each and every one, finding out what I can compromise about me and my core in order to take in something new and "refreshing," all of this new information that has told me what I could be doing better with my life and for the world and for everyone else around me, seeing highs and lows, from the most expensive city in the world to the biggest slums in the world, having to know what works and what just DOESN'T- all of this is coming together now in this "Quiet Period" of my life to sort out what I want to take with me and what I want to blow away like cremated ashes into the wind.
I am halfway in a "Walden" state of mind. My knitting is *good.* Knitted a hat for my sister, a scarf for my mother, two half-way finished sweaters for now-ex-boyfriends, and some Swarovski Crystal-beaded wrist bands for Fumi. And now I am finally knitting something for *myself.* It is almost finished- a spring green, baby cashmire, flower motif, balerina short-sleeved sweater. I started knitting 2 years ago in China. And that has come with me.
Things that have not come along with me- My guitar (in Japan), my violin (Zachary), my juicer (Turkey), my treadmill (China)... a big piece of my heart, as a matter of fact almost all of my heart; it is spread all over the world in the pockets of those that felt it was theirs for the picking. And I let them. I was a prostitute. I sold my soul to the devil before I was concieved. And now I am ragged and have given away my pearl earring and have no more lustre. I am getting old; I have lived fast and recklessly.
Giving up the fight- I have no more double-winks left in me. No more diversions. No more grandiose plans.
I am boring and have no more stories to tell to attract new prey. I am jaded. And the new experience is surrender. No more adaptability left in this girl. She is a cold hard stone cracked by the ice which once ran as water through her veins. Maybe if i allow myself to settle back into the ground, in a few million years I will be molten again.
Ciao
SURPRISE- I spend a week in a mental hospital.
Get out and get my own apartment for 6 months. Get a studio for a year.
Had enough, gotta get out, got the money, go to Viet Nam. No one knows me there. We are all wearing masks of travel. Superficial. Easy to smile. No one knows your past. Your future. Not enough time to get to know each other. Just smile and enjoy the moment.
Transferred one addiction to another- Travel. I was hooked. And then I ran out of money. But in that 3 year period I got to see 6 new countries, (WOAH, is this really *me* writing this?) traveled up the East coast of America, and lived in Manhattan for 9 months.
And now- I am TIRED. Wanna settle. And all of this moving around, all of this adaptablilty to new environments, finding out what works for me in each and every one, finding out what I can compromise about me and my core in order to take in something new and "refreshing," all of this new information that has told me what I could be doing better with my life and for the world and for everyone else around me, seeing highs and lows, from the most expensive city in the world to the biggest slums in the world, having to know what works and what just DOESN'T- all of this is coming together now in this "Quiet Period" of my life to sort out what I want to take with me and what I want to blow away like cremated ashes into the wind.
I am halfway in a "Walden" state of mind. My knitting is *good.* Knitted a hat for my sister, a scarf for my mother, two half-way finished sweaters for now-ex-boyfriends, and some Swarovski Crystal-beaded wrist bands for Fumi. And now I am finally knitting something for *myself.* It is almost finished- a spring green, baby cashmire, flower motif, balerina short-sleeved sweater. I started knitting 2 years ago in China. And that has come with me.
Things that have not come along with me- My guitar (in Japan), my violin (Zachary), my juicer (Turkey), my treadmill (China)... a big piece of my heart, as a matter of fact almost all of my heart; it is spread all over the world in the pockets of those that felt it was theirs for the picking. And I let them. I was a prostitute. I sold my soul to the devil before I was concieved. And now I am ragged and have given away my pearl earring and have no more lustre. I am getting old; I have lived fast and recklessly.
Giving up the fight- I have no more double-winks left in me. No more diversions. No more grandiose plans.
I am boring and have no more stories to tell to attract new prey. I am jaded. And the new experience is surrender. No more adaptability left in this girl. She is a cold hard stone cracked by the ice which once ran as water through her veins. Maybe if i allow myself to settle back into the ground, in a few million years I will be molten again.
Ciao