Woman Affirmative
I have finally finished reading "The Portrait of Dorian Grey." Thank God that mother fucker ends up the way that he does. Here is to all men like him (and our friend Mr. Suisse)!
Turned in my application to university and was met with GODDAMNED REDTAPE again! BLEH. Keep pushin' girl, you'll get there some day. Keep your goals in sight and your core solid. No one and nothing can compromise you working for your goal:
I want to use my scientific base and desire to help the world, right? There is this whole clean energy crises going on. We are in need of environmentally clean energy and politically clean energy. This means that the world is in need of scientists with morals. There are these people that exist, and I want to help.
I JUST WANT TO HELP, GOD. HELP ME GET THROUGH SCHOOL SO THAT I CAN HELP STOP THE WARS AND GLOBAL WARMING. I applied to school at LSU for computer science. Got accepted and that didnt work. Applied to school at NYU, leaving me EXHAUSTED. Wanted to International Fair Trade Law.... Wasn't accepted. So now, I'm going back to my roots with motives to HELP. Is this what you want for me? I'm tryin', God, really I am. Just open some scholastic doors for your girl. Every day I notice more and more that everything from menial problems and stresses to the wars are being caused by this energy crises.
I AM LETTING MY TWO-YEAR SUBSCRIPTION TO MY WEBSITE www.aceoftrades.us RUN OUT. It served a purpose for me for a while. Gave me lots of insight on my life and life in general. And now it is time to move on to other projects. (The trumpets play Taps in the background.)
SO IN TWO WEEKS I HAD 4 DATES WITH 4 DIFFERENT MEN. I thought that they were just friendly outings, but they all wanted more. One was a married Chinese man who hasn't had sex with his wife in years. One was a guy that had broken up with his girl friend of 4 years the week before and on the same night as Mr. Suisse and I broke up. One man I thought was GAY until he started talking about how much he loved me. And the last... he is a bit old for me. Nice. But I will have to tell him that I want to fly solo for a while. I want to focus on ME. I want to become ME. I want to feel like for the first time in my life that I am enough for me and that a relationship can wait until I have become more settled into the role of BEING ME.
I WANT TO BE SET IN MY WAYS. Set in my independance. Set in my job. I want to have a core of me that extends past the ideal of what I want to being a manifested reality. At least with a first semester of school out of my way with at least a 3.0 average. At least paying for my room and bills and food. I want to be something more than an Au Pair with dreams of a career, family, white house picket fence, naiive, intangible bull shit.
I AM BECOMING A WOMAN. Every month my body changes. I gain about 4 pounds. My breasts get big and hurt. My body feels bloated. I feel a bit like a sleepy whale floating in a warm ocean. I look at children and WANT one. This desire is physical of course. I am fully aware of how STUPID it would be to get pregnant now. But still - it is miraculous the changes that the body goes through.
I HAVE BRONCHITIS. The cold that I had last week was not attended to properly. With the added stress of the situation, my body broke down and got sick for real. Surprisingly, I am begining to feel jovial again. After Joyce (Suisse-man's grandmother) got annoyed last night (as she tends to do at night, because she is old, and tired, and gets cranky) with me and yelled about me something-or-other-like "taking advantage of her hospitality," something began to dawn on me. I apologized all the same today for upsetting her by giving out the house phone number to a friend. I was genuinely upset that I had upset her balance. I really love this woman, and it was never my intention to hurt her. She apologized in her own way, too. But, yes, I realized that no matter how much we pretend that we are family, we are not. And even though for the last 4 months she has treated me like family, I have not been accepted into the family. As a matter of fact I am almost positive that Mr. Suisse is already sleeping with his Salsa partner.
ANYWAY, SO, I AM MAKING A MULTITUDE OF INQUIRIES FOR SPACE TO RENT. On my Au Pair salary, it will be difficult to save money and live at the same time. But it must be done. Gotta move out of this old, stale, stagnant, rotten, (capitalist-to-the-extreme family) situation.
LOVE LOVE LOVE, AND BIIIIIIIG HUGS AND KISSES
ALIX
Turned in my application to university and was met with GODDAMNED REDTAPE again! BLEH. Keep pushin' girl, you'll get there some day. Keep your goals in sight and your core solid. No one and nothing can compromise you working for your goal:
I want to use my scientific base and desire to help the world, right? There is this whole clean energy crises going on. We are in need of environmentally clean energy and politically clean energy. This means that the world is in need of scientists with morals. There are these people that exist, and I want to help.
I JUST WANT TO HELP, GOD. HELP ME GET THROUGH SCHOOL SO THAT I CAN HELP STOP THE WARS AND GLOBAL WARMING. I applied to school at LSU for computer science. Got accepted and that didnt work. Applied to school at NYU, leaving me EXHAUSTED. Wanted to International Fair Trade Law.... Wasn't accepted. So now, I'm going back to my roots with motives to HELP. Is this what you want for me? I'm tryin', God, really I am. Just open some scholastic doors for your girl. Every day I notice more and more that everything from menial problems and stresses to the wars are being caused by this energy crises.
I AM LETTING MY TWO-YEAR SUBSCRIPTION TO MY WEBSITE www.aceoftrades.us RUN OUT. It served a purpose for me for a while. Gave me lots of insight on my life and life in general. And now it is time to move on to other projects. (The trumpets play Taps in the background.)
SO IN TWO WEEKS I HAD 4 DATES WITH 4 DIFFERENT MEN. I thought that they were just friendly outings, but they all wanted more. One was a married Chinese man who hasn't had sex with his wife in years. One was a guy that had broken up with his girl friend of 4 years the week before and on the same night as Mr. Suisse and I broke up. One man I thought was GAY until he started talking about how much he loved me. And the last... he is a bit old for me. Nice. But I will have to tell him that I want to fly solo for a while. I want to focus on ME. I want to become ME. I want to feel like for the first time in my life that I am enough for me and that a relationship can wait until I have become more settled into the role of BEING ME.
I WANT TO BE SET IN MY WAYS. Set in my independance. Set in my job. I want to have a core of me that extends past the ideal of what I want to being a manifested reality. At least with a first semester of school out of my way with at least a 3.0 average. At least paying for my room and bills and food. I want to be something more than an Au Pair with dreams of a career, family, white house picket fence, naiive, intangible bull shit.
I AM BECOMING A WOMAN. Every month my body changes. I gain about 4 pounds. My breasts get big and hurt. My body feels bloated. I feel a bit like a sleepy whale floating in a warm ocean. I look at children and WANT one. This desire is physical of course. I am fully aware of how STUPID it would be to get pregnant now. But still - it is miraculous the changes that the body goes through.
I HAVE BRONCHITIS. The cold that I had last week was not attended to properly. With the added stress of the situation, my body broke down and got sick for real. Surprisingly, I am begining to feel jovial again. After Joyce (Suisse-man's grandmother) got annoyed last night (as she tends to do at night, because she is old, and tired, and gets cranky) with me and yelled about me something-or-other-like "taking advantage of her hospitality," something began to dawn on me. I apologized all the same today for upsetting her by giving out the house phone number to a friend. I was genuinely upset that I had upset her balance. I really love this woman, and it was never my intention to hurt her. She apologized in her own way, too. But, yes, I realized that no matter how much we pretend that we are family, we are not. And even though for the last 4 months she has treated me like family, I have not been accepted into the family. As a matter of fact I am almost positive that Mr. Suisse is already sleeping with his Salsa partner.
ANYWAY, SO, I AM MAKING A MULTITUDE OF INQUIRIES FOR SPACE TO RENT. On my Au Pair salary, it will be difficult to save money and live at the same time. But it must be done. Gotta move out of this old, stale, stagnant, rotten, (capitalist-to-the-extreme family) situation.
LOVE LOVE LOVE, AND BIIIIIIIG HUGS AND KISSES
ALIX