i've no reason to confuse my brothers.
i decided that this year and new years and midnight i can reverse all the wrongs that happened over the past one. i fucked over the man i loved [or love i dont know, i dont know what it all means, still] and even dared to be surprised when he left me. i became consumed by men and scenes and me me me and how can i further analyze you and make sense of this? why do i still have feelings for certain people? why cant they go away? everyone else i see out and i'm not really phased and they can do whatever they want and they can contact me or not i don't care. i know you drew a picture of me even after we stopped seeing each other and i know it's hanging on your wall and i know that means that i'm different, and maybe that should be enough. i keep having vivid recollections of either this summmer or of early college. they are disturbing and its deja vu and i just want to be able to relax and pretend like everything is as it was. because youre the only people who can make me ok when ive been sobbing and dropped and abandoned. because he briefly made me happy again when no one could. because many people have, but its always brief. because i met him before i forgot how to feel.
i see faces in my head and shared looks and noses and cats and couches and beds and rooms and curtains. all i want to figure out is why i think you care or don't care or what i feel or how to fix things and put them forward. i am totally and completely alone for the first time in a long time and it makes it harder to forget. it makes it harder because i dont know if you really care and things really could change or if i only want them to so bad that i make myself think that they can. i dont know if its because wintertime makes me think of you or of summertime and intense distance but closeness. one is red and one is blue.
but the point of this is i'm convinced my luck will change with the new year. i am 22. i have new and amazing friends, but the man who i consider to know me best doesn't change. i don't want it to. i can't move so you've gotta come get me.
i see faces in my head and shared looks and noses and cats and couches and beds and rooms and curtains. all i want to figure out is why i think you care or don't care or what i feel or how to fix things and put them forward. i am totally and completely alone for the first time in a long time and it makes it harder to forget. it makes it harder because i dont know if you really care and things really could change or if i only want them to so bad that i make myself think that they can. i dont know if its because wintertime makes me think of you or of summertime and intense distance but closeness. one is red and one is blue.
but the point of this is i'm convinced my luck will change with the new year. i am 22. i have new and amazing friends, but the man who i consider to know me best doesn't change. i don't want it to. i can't move so you've gotta come get me.