sorry

[hinuga]

i know i've been basically doing more superficial type updates on facebook lately and nothing here for quite some time. I think it's due to the fact that I feel if i start writing, i may not stop. I've been having a very difficult time with powell, his attitude and depression, his court case, no job, and my own bouts of illness. My depression as a result of these things is taking it's toll on me. I used to have very thick hair, it is now obviously thinning, my skin and complexion have been pretty poor and my weight is climbing back up. I know it should just be a matter of watching my diet and exercising and then just trying to not to worry about powell so much. However, it's been commented that i seem to not worry enough about powell. i don't express my anger and stress like my mom and brother, so they don't see that i am much more concerned than they think. There are days i really hate not having insurance for psychiatric care because there are days that i get so angry that if i don't go to my room and sleep, i fear i'll hurt someone terribly. So far, i'm good at making myself retreat, but what if one day powell just goes too far and i don't go to my room? i could never say anything to him, but there are days i hate how things have turned out. he has no motivation, nothing special about him, and i see him barely making it thru life. he yelled at me yesterday hwo much he hates being alive (he is being carefully watched by me and pros) and i mistakenly said to him that i wonder if i should've just not allowed him to be medlinked to madison. he said he'd have been happier, i said no, you'd be dead, he said good, then i wouldn't be here. I should never have said it, but i can't deny i thought it, more than once. I cry alot worried about him. his life was so good before the accident and while lots of people tell him he should be happy he's alive, i can see his point. he was happy, and now everything he was happy about has been taken from him and we don't know when some things will return or what to replace things with. no more military and he's insistent that he will not go to college. i pointed out that i can't even find a job with a bachelor's degree, what will he do with just a hs diploma? what if he doesn't keep up well enought with school? and everyone around feels it;s ok to lecture but i'm the one who has to listen to him cry and see the pain in his face and wonder if he'll ever walk normal, stop being angry, learn to be respectful. plus, i've had my freedom taken as well. i can't just get in the car and run up to black river or tomah or madison or even the cities. until i get a job and can get a loan (which may be hard being that i have a civil suit hearing next week for medical bills) i don't have the wheels i need. i miss being outside. too much snow and cold.

i reallly hate realizing i should've done things differently with him. i made mistakes, and i must now live with it, but i ruined his life in the process. how does one live with that? really live? not subdue it with drugs...which is how i see others do it, but i refuse to be like the rest of my family.