The Past
Recently I had a long conversation with a friend about the past, namely family history and sibling relationships. And it got me to thinking... what actually went down? I would say on the one hand, I was spoiled, but on the other hand I went through a unique level of hardship because of eczema, and a mother completely unsuited to motherhood. But then again, I had Stephanie with me, a shield and armor against ridicule and against even really caring what the world thought of me when I was at my most vulnerable, when our eczema was rampaging across our bodies and causing us to spontaneously start bleeding from our eye on the playground (it was a popped 'lom-bao', an abscess). Like, I was so very lucky honestly to not only have Stephanie with me all that time, a bond I didn't have to cultivate or or question. But, I was lucky that my parents both loved reading and passed that down to first my brother and then to us. How books saved our lives, honestly! How critical it was to our mental wellbeing that we could escape into other worlds, and how powerful we felt when we started creating stories and worlds ourselves using stuffed animals.
And yet, how unfortunate that our parents weren't happily married and yet unwilling to separate. How odd, and strained, to have our mother on one side telling us that we shouldn't think badly of our father, but he did cheat on her and she's fucking destroyed over it, and on the other side have our father rebuke us gently whenever my mom had a 'hysterical' moment or got upset seemingly for no reason. He would say, "don't grow up to be like her" and we would nod grimly, resolved not to be 'that woman'. It was our blueprint for most of our youth, to watch her behavior and try not to be so illogical, so insensible, so much of a nuisance. How fucked up! She remained while he left to Taiwan, and she'd always been absent-minded but this was a whole other level. I remember a friend of ours, in high school, named Christine. She had us over to her house after school because she lived so close to Mark Keppel. She taught us how to boil eggs, how to make egg drop soup, how to make instant coffee, the simplest of things. And we would often stay to eat dinner with her and her parents, who accepted us graciously. If we weren't eating with her parents, we were at Linh's house eating with HER parents. The two of them, in retrospect, were really a big part of the nutrition we got during high school. My mom didn't cook regularly since we were maybe five years old? We had a babysitter, a Mexican maternal embodiment named Ada who cooked Taiwanese dishes for us, who washed our stuffed animals for us and spoke a mix of Spanish and Chinese to us (du wa-wa muy sucio, she would say and take our beloved plush to wash and return clean and smelling fresh and bright). At around age 7 or 9, she went back to Mexico, though she would return back to us again and again over the years. But with her leaving, we also lost a staple of just having a routine amount of food every day. My mom was rushing back and forth from Taiwan to America. One day, Christine's mom asked us what had probably been on her mind for a while. Why don't you guys eat at home? She explained it wasn't that she minded us eating with her, but she was curious... and we said our mom just doesn't cook. And she said (which wasn't very kosher), I don't think your mom is a very good mom.
Naive and innocent, we actually told our mother what she said. And she looked at once apathetic and like she had been slapped. She asked what our reply was? We said, we told her you're a good mom, you're just busy with a lot of stuff. And she relaxed. It wasn't until I got older that I realized yo... we just kind of assumed she was good just because we loved her. But, she genuinely wasn't there for our needs for a time. But I can't hold it against her, she went all out and battled for our health and happiness as a warrior when we were babies growing up. The betrayal of their marital fidelity must have been devastating within the context of how much sheer struggle she had to deal with in trying to find us doctors, trying to soothe us when we were in pain, trying to reassure us that we would one day heal from all this despite the fact that she really didn't know. She used to moisturize our entire body every single day after our baths, and that shit is EXHAUSTING ok. So, like, I get it. But, at the same time, we had to fend for ourselves in a lot of ways. But we were given the tools to do so. My mom gave us the gift of friendliness, a strange fearlessness towards strangers and willingness to just engage with new people. This brought us the aforementioned Christine and of course, the person who I think really saved us, Linh. Linh introduced us to affection! To hugging, to being loved without cease. She was like our third twin coming in hot, and it was crucial to us I believe.
Yeah so I don't know what this entry is about hahah I've just been trying to unravel the past, trying to see... was I lucky or unlucky? I tend to think I was lucky, honestly. I got everything I needed when I needed it, and due to books I have a strong mind (at least I think I do). Due to sisterhood and friendship, I have a strong basis of emotional stability; I never truly feel alone in the world though at times I do feel damn lonely. So yeah, I don't know. I love you all, those who contributed to my happiness, my friends that I call 'soul setters' for this reason. Circumstances don't dictate everything, finding the right bonds and right people can change the whole world for a person, and it has done that for me. So, I guess I'm saying... NAKAMA IS LIFE. Hahahhah thanks for tuning into my rambling. Imma go to bed now.
And yet, how unfortunate that our parents weren't happily married and yet unwilling to separate. How odd, and strained, to have our mother on one side telling us that we shouldn't think badly of our father, but he did cheat on her and she's fucking destroyed over it, and on the other side have our father rebuke us gently whenever my mom had a 'hysterical' moment or got upset seemingly for no reason. He would say, "don't grow up to be like her" and we would nod grimly, resolved not to be 'that woman'. It was our blueprint for most of our youth, to watch her behavior and try not to be so illogical, so insensible, so much of a nuisance. How fucked up! She remained while he left to Taiwan, and she'd always been absent-minded but this was a whole other level. I remember a friend of ours, in high school, named Christine. She had us over to her house after school because she lived so close to Mark Keppel. She taught us how to boil eggs, how to make egg drop soup, how to make instant coffee, the simplest of things. And we would often stay to eat dinner with her and her parents, who accepted us graciously. If we weren't eating with her parents, we were at Linh's house eating with HER parents. The two of them, in retrospect, were really a big part of the nutrition we got during high school. My mom didn't cook regularly since we were maybe five years old? We had a babysitter, a Mexican maternal embodiment named Ada who cooked Taiwanese dishes for us, who washed our stuffed animals for us and spoke a mix of Spanish and Chinese to us (du wa-wa muy sucio, she would say and take our beloved plush to wash and return clean and smelling fresh and bright). At around age 7 or 9, she went back to Mexico, though she would return back to us again and again over the years. But with her leaving, we also lost a staple of just having a routine amount of food every day. My mom was rushing back and forth from Taiwan to America. One day, Christine's mom asked us what had probably been on her mind for a while. Why don't you guys eat at home? She explained it wasn't that she minded us eating with her, but she was curious... and we said our mom just doesn't cook. And she said (which wasn't very kosher), I don't think your mom is a very good mom.
Naive and innocent, we actually told our mother what she said. And she looked at once apathetic and like she had been slapped. She asked what our reply was? We said, we told her you're a good mom, you're just busy with a lot of stuff. And she relaxed. It wasn't until I got older that I realized yo... we just kind of assumed she was good just because we loved her. But, she genuinely wasn't there for our needs for a time. But I can't hold it against her, she went all out and battled for our health and happiness as a warrior when we were babies growing up. The betrayal of their marital fidelity must have been devastating within the context of how much sheer struggle she had to deal with in trying to find us doctors, trying to soothe us when we were in pain, trying to reassure us that we would one day heal from all this despite the fact that she really didn't know. She used to moisturize our entire body every single day after our baths, and that shit is EXHAUSTING ok. So, like, I get it. But, at the same time, we had to fend for ourselves in a lot of ways. But we were given the tools to do so. My mom gave us the gift of friendliness, a strange fearlessness towards strangers and willingness to just engage with new people. This brought us the aforementioned Christine and of course, the person who I think really saved us, Linh. Linh introduced us to affection! To hugging, to being loved without cease. She was like our third twin coming in hot, and it was crucial to us I believe.
Yeah so I don't know what this entry is about hahah I've just been trying to unravel the past, trying to see... was I lucky or unlucky? I tend to think I was lucky, honestly. I got everything I needed when I needed it, and due to books I have a strong mind (at least I think I do). Due to sisterhood and friendship, I have a strong basis of emotional stability; I never truly feel alone in the world though at times I do feel damn lonely. So yeah, I don't know. I love you all, those who contributed to my happiness, my friends that I call 'soul setters' for this reason. Circumstances don't dictate everything, finding the right bonds and right people can change the whole world for a person, and it has done that for me. So, I guess I'm saying... NAKAMA IS LIFE. Hahahhah thanks for tuning into my rambling. Imma go to bed now.