Racing Thoughts...
It's about time I pour my heart out in my journal. I have not writen in here in over a year, and it's hard to believe how much has happened since then. I don't really feel like updating on all of that; I just want to get to the heart of the matter.
I clicked on the link in April's buddy profile today, and started reading her live journal. I read the entries from the past when she was hurt by actions I was taking. I never really identified with the deep emotion in her writing until now. I can tell she was in a lot of pain, and I didn't really get how much a cause of that I was. I was being selfish, living the high life, basically being young and dumb.
All the time lately, I really have wanted to just feel her touch. She probably has no idea how calming her touch can actually be. Just one touch from her can really make all my worries and problems fade away for the moment we are together. I didn't spend enough time making her know how special that stuff was to me. A lot of times when we have been in an arguement, she tries to come hug me and I always tell her that it is just making her feel better, but that isn't true. I just never wanted her to know how powerful her hugs and touch could be. I would hold on to anger, rather than just letting her hold me, and me hold her back. I did let it happen a couple times on the trip, and it really did feel good to just stop the fight, and feel her in my arms, knowing that she was holding me too.
I missed her so much today that I pulled out some home movies with her in them. The first one I popped in was from the 4th of July 2 years ago. She was such a cutie pie, in her dark jeans, and her light blue tank top. She wasn't a big part of the video, but I found myself fast fowarding to all the parts with her in them. After that I watched the camping trip from 3 years ago. I realized that we used to have so much fun together. She told me the other day that she has more fun with Jim than me, but that wasn't always true (I think she just said that because she was angry, and because she hasn't really had a reminder of fun with me in a while) I do think we had a lot of fun in Florida, and I know she did too, but I guess it wasn't enough. Anyway, I was watching her and realizing how happy she really was then. She was all smiles the whole video, and she was laughing so much. We got to have fun, just haning out, and enjoying the good company we were in. I look back now and realize that was when I fell in love with her. I really don't know how I resisted that smile for so long. Her smile in itself is enough to make you fall in love. I thought it was so great how she could be one of th guys, and fit in with all of us. I remembered when we snuck off into the woods, picking sticks for the fire, and I kissed her. Part of me wants to go back to that place and enjoy eachother when life was much more simple once again, but a bigger part of me wants to move foward, remembering those times, and making new times that are even better.
I have always wanted to go camping with April again, but the closest we got was renting that rustic cabin. I remember how badly she wanted to go on that trip, showing me the pictures from the website of the little cabins. She is super cute when she gets excited about something. On that trip I got to make her corned beef hash for the first time, and she was very sexy at night (if you know what I mean). I hope we get to go on another trip sometime in the not so distant future.
When reading her journal entry, she talked about us being just friends if nothing else. I don't think I could do that with her. I feel to strongly for her. We had a pyisical attraction almost from the very begining. I can still remember our fist kiss, right here on this very couch. I really mean it when I tell her I have changed my idea of her. I have done more self reflection in the last couple weeks than I had in our entire 3 years together. I know I could do things right, if I just had the chance. I feel as if I am already doing things right, it just depends on if she will let the love in, or push it away. Her and I have a special bond, it is obvious to me after all this time that there is an invisible attraction between us that keeps us coming back. We really are best friends when it comes to being open with each other about our lives. I can tell she still feels more comfortable talking to me than anyone else. I just want us to be able to grow the other parts of our friendship again. I want to start back at the start, and treat her like the princess she truely is. We do have a lot in common, the more and more I think about it. Maybe I will make a list of those tomorrow. Anyway, I have writen a ton, and I could go on and on, but I should stop. I hope she thinks good thoughts about me at least once today. She is an amazing girl, and I think of her non-stop. The truth is, I don't really want to stop, because I never want to forget how special she really is to me.
I clicked on the link in April's buddy profile today, and started reading her live journal. I read the entries from the past when she was hurt by actions I was taking. I never really identified with the deep emotion in her writing until now. I can tell she was in a lot of pain, and I didn't really get how much a cause of that I was. I was being selfish, living the high life, basically being young and dumb.
All the time lately, I really have wanted to just feel her touch. She probably has no idea how calming her touch can actually be. Just one touch from her can really make all my worries and problems fade away for the moment we are together. I didn't spend enough time making her know how special that stuff was to me. A lot of times when we have been in an arguement, she tries to come hug me and I always tell her that it is just making her feel better, but that isn't true. I just never wanted her to know how powerful her hugs and touch could be. I would hold on to anger, rather than just letting her hold me, and me hold her back. I did let it happen a couple times on the trip, and it really did feel good to just stop the fight, and feel her in my arms, knowing that she was holding me too.
I missed her so much today that I pulled out some home movies with her in them. The first one I popped in was from the 4th of July 2 years ago. She was such a cutie pie, in her dark jeans, and her light blue tank top. She wasn't a big part of the video, but I found myself fast fowarding to all the parts with her in them. After that I watched the camping trip from 3 years ago. I realized that we used to have so much fun together. She told me the other day that she has more fun with Jim than me, but that wasn't always true (I think she just said that because she was angry, and because she hasn't really had a reminder of fun with me in a while) I do think we had a lot of fun in Florida, and I know she did too, but I guess it wasn't enough. Anyway, I was watching her and realizing how happy she really was then. She was all smiles the whole video, and she was laughing so much. We got to have fun, just haning out, and enjoying the good company we were in. I look back now and realize that was when I fell in love with her. I really don't know how I resisted that smile for so long. Her smile in itself is enough to make you fall in love. I thought it was so great how she could be one of th guys, and fit in with all of us. I remembered when we snuck off into the woods, picking sticks for the fire, and I kissed her. Part of me wants to go back to that place and enjoy eachother when life was much more simple once again, but a bigger part of me wants to move foward, remembering those times, and making new times that are even better.
I have always wanted to go camping with April again, but the closest we got was renting that rustic cabin. I remember how badly she wanted to go on that trip, showing me the pictures from the website of the little cabins. She is super cute when she gets excited about something. On that trip I got to make her corned beef hash for the first time, and she was very sexy at night (if you know what I mean). I hope we get to go on another trip sometime in the not so distant future.
When reading her journal entry, she talked about us being just friends if nothing else. I don't think I could do that with her. I feel to strongly for her. We had a pyisical attraction almost from the very begining. I can still remember our fist kiss, right here on this very couch. I really mean it when I tell her I have changed my idea of her. I have done more self reflection in the last couple weeks than I had in our entire 3 years together. I know I could do things right, if I just had the chance. I feel as if I am already doing things right, it just depends on if she will let the love in, or push it away. Her and I have a special bond, it is obvious to me after all this time that there is an invisible attraction between us that keeps us coming back. We really are best friends when it comes to being open with each other about our lives. I can tell she still feels more comfortable talking to me than anyone else. I just want us to be able to grow the other parts of our friendship again. I want to start back at the start, and treat her like the princess she truely is. We do have a lot in common, the more and more I think about it. Maybe I will make a list of those tomorrow. Anyway, I have writen a ton, and I could go on and on, but I should stop. I hope she thinks good thoughts about me at least once today. She is an amazing girl, and I think of her non-stop. The truth is, I don't really want to stop, because I never want to forget how special she really is to me.