I fucking hate my life
I figure that title might draw some attention. But I really don't care, cuz I really do hate my life right now. Nothing ever goes right when it has to. So horrible. So FUCKING GAY. (sorry - that word is just a derogatory term that I will use throughout this piece, because I'm too pissed to find a better word - yes, i'm a loser, i already know - let me prove it to you...)
So, time for some OYO, or Gay YO. Whatever the fuck you want to call it. We had our retreat this weekend. I knew right off the bat it wasn't going to be quite as fun as last year. It's just that there's no one really to look up to. I am one of the oldest, and it sucks that way. And I saw it was just a bunch of freshman, or middle schoolers. Some are honestly quite cool. But some...definitely not. Not even un poco.
Anyway, me and Tim practiced on Friday night. We were sounding okay. He was sounding hella good, for not having had a lesson all summer. I hadn't had one for a month, so we were pretty much in the same stupid boat. And yea, this week - first week of school and all - just didn't have the time I usually have to practice. All that DVC, piano, essay, just driving me nuts - and that's how it was. I didn't learn the whole piece, I just played the excerpts that we were specifically assigned.
Anyway, next morning. WTF? Why was I so nervous? I was fucking shivering. The night before I had seen this one girl - practicing like a mother trucker. Omg - running the whole piece top to bottom. Every single passage was like - up to tempo. I didn't even wanna ask her who she was. Too damn good. And also - practiced too fucking much.
So yah - I sat at 3rd chair, next to Tim for the rehearsal during auditions. 3rd for the last fucking time. I watched people going in and out of the auditions. I had already known from Bryan that this coach would be a bitch. And hearing from what other people were saying - they all seemed to agree. Tim went, and then it was my turn.
Sarah Choi. This one woman sitting there. Korean, new in the area, one helluva bitch. She so damn sarcastic. And yea - she made me play passages that weren't on the thing. Okay, here we go: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF ASSIGNING CERTAIN PASSAGES, WHEN YOU'RE GONNA ASK FOR EVERYTHING? WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASSIGN MORE PASSAGES? I MEAN C'MON, PEOPLE HAVE TO DO SHIT OTHER THAN PRACTICE ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Not everyone is like Ms. Victoria or Andrew or Jimmy, who have the inspiration and TIME to learn the whole piece. Well, part of it was that my sightreading was also having a REALLY OFF DAY. Not even fucking funny. Everything I learned at Mendocino Festival Orchestra - all that went down the drain...especially when this psychoBITCH is evaluating your playing. Does she try to be a fucking queer or is she really such a bitch? Man, fuck life.
I really have nothing for respect for Victoria, Andrew and Jimmy. They all deserve their seats. Good job guys. I only have a problem with Victoria - she's a little anally obsessive. She now thinks she is the shit, sitting second next to bryan. I've never even talked to her - but she tries too hard. As for Matt, my stand partner at the 3rd chair spot, he's pretty cool. He's Asian, speaks Cantonese, hair, glasses, all just like me. We're twins - I guess he's my better half. I'm so fucked. I lost to a Junior. Okay, we're the same age. But I lost to a fucking Junior. FUCK!
I swear right now - i agree with Tim. I guess his philosophy just passes onto me all the time. Cello is about being relaxed and having fun. I'm not having fun any more. It's no fun when you suck. I know I have talent, I don't deny it. But I'm not getting anywhere. I play too fucking badly, and too inconsistently. I don't have any more inspiration to play. I feel like i should try to prove that I am a better musician than those in front of me, but I just can't find a reason to work hard and then really not get anything out of it. Cuz face it, guys - I'm pretty fucking bad. This sucks. Life sucks.
Life is like this, though, i guess. You work hard to get shafted with a bad day when it matters. There isn't enough time to do all you want to do. You become overcommitted and you don't succeed at anything.
I would give it all away to become a good musician. But I'll never be able to. I can't bring myself to try to become something that I am not good at. There will never be that kind of a sign. It's not fucking in me. It sucks to know this shit. It really does. I fucking hate this now. I want to quit.
I'm out, more to come when I'm more depressed later.
So, time for some OYO, or Gay YO. Whatever the fuck you want to call it. We had our retreat this weekend. I knew right off the bat it wasn't going to be quite as fun as last year. It's just that there's no one really to look up to. I am one of the oldest, and it sucks that way. And I saw it was just a bunch of freshman, or middle schoolers. Some are honestly quite cool. But some...definitely not. Not even un poco.
Anyway, me and Tim practiced on Friday night. We were sounding okay. He was sounding hella good, for not having had a lesson all summer. I hadn't had one for a month, so we were pretty much in the same stupid boat. And yea, this week - first week of school and all - just didn't have the time I usually have to practice. All that DVC, piano, essay, just driving me nuts - and that's how it was. I didn't learn the whole piece, I just played the excerpts that we were specifically assigned.
Anyway, next morning. WTF? Why was I so nervous? I was fucking shivering. The night before I had seen this one girl - practicing like a mother trucker. Omg - running the whole piece top to bottom. Every single passage was like - up to tempo. I didn't even wanna ask her who she was. Too damn good. And also - practiced too fucking much.
So yah - I sat at 3rd chair, next to Tim for the rehearsal during auditions. 3rd for the last fucking time. I watched people going in and out of the auditions. I had already known from Bryan that this coach would be a bitch. And hearing from what other people were saying - they all seemed to agree. Tim went, and then it was my turn.
Sarah Choi. This one woman sitting there. Korean, new in the area, one helluva bitch. She so damn sarcastic. And yea - she made me play passages that weren't on the thing. Okay, here we go: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF ASSIGNING CERTAIN PASSAGES, WHEN YOU'RE GONNA ASK FOR EVERYTHING? WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASSIGN MORE PASSAGES? I MEAN C'MON, PEOPLE HAVE TO DO SHIT OTHER THAN PRACTICE ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Not everyone is like Ms. Victoria or Andrew or Jimmy, who have the inspiration and TIME to learn the whole piece. Well, part of it was that my sightreading was also having a REALLY OFF DAY. Not even fucking funny. Everything I learned at Mendocino Festival Orchestra - all that went down the drain...especially when this psychoBITCH is evaluating your playing. Does she try to be a fucking queer or is she really such a bitch? Man, fuck life.
I really have nothing for respect for Victoria, Andrew and Jimmy. They all deserve their seats. Good job guys. I only have a problem with Victoria - she's a little anally obsessive. She now thinks she is the shit, sitting second next to bryan. I've never even talked to her - but she tries too hard. As for Matt, my stand partner at the 3rd chair spot, he's pretty cool. He's Asian, speaks Cantonese, hair, glasses, all just like me. We're twins - I guess he's my better half. I'm so fucked. I lost to a Junior. Okay, we're the same age. But I lost to a fucking Junior. FUCK!
I swear right now - i agree with Tim. I guess his philosophy just passes onto me all the time. Cello is about being relaxed and having fun. I'm not having fun any more. It's no fun when you suck. I know I have talent, I don't deny it. But I'm not getting anywhere. I play too fucking badly, and too inconsistently. I don't have any more inspiration to play. I feel like i should try to prove that I am a better musician than those in front of me, but I just can't find a reason to work hard and then really not get anything out of it. Cuz face it, guys - I'm pretty fucking bad. This sucks. Life sucks.
Life is like this, though, i guess. You work hard to get shafted with a bad day when it matters. There isn't enough time to do all you want to do. You become overcommitted and you don't succeed at anything.
I would give it all away to become a good musician. But I'll never be able to. I can't bring myself to try to become something that I am not good at. There will never be that kind of a sign. It's not fucking in me. It sucks to know this shit. It really does. I fucking hate this now. I want to quit.
I'm out, more to come when I'm more depressed later.