(no subject)
scream at the world. it wont change what has happened, but damn it feels good. cry and you wont get her back, but damn its the only thing left i can do. my actions are powerless against the angel of death. it sweeps in without caution, ready to claim whoever is written on the list and yet we're not affected or even concerned til the list hits close to him. funny how then, the world should stop and take notice. all the other casualties in the past few years seem so distant to this one, because this time.. this time. it means something. this time.. its taken one of your very own. and GOD, it hurts like hell- even though ive never even come close to lucifer's realm.
visit me in my dreams and let me say my final goodbye. maybe then, ill be able to heal and start to breathe again. because i stopped you know. stopped breathing since i found out you were gone.
my heart is tired of crying behind closed doors. i dont cry out in the open, for they tell me im the strong one. the one whos gonna keep fulfilling her dreams despite the trials. but im tired, and my heart is growing weary of pretending. they say to put on a smile on my face for the visitors who send their condolences through sealed envelopes, and i reply with a conditioned yes. because thats all ive been doing the past few days. doing everything everyone expects me to do. following orders & keeping my composure. because GOD knows we cant see each other's tears or else we all start crying again..
im not complaining. in fact, i invite it all. it keeps me occupied because sitting down and staring at the wall only brings me a feeling of regret. regret that i never visited you when i should have in the summer- like i told you i would. regret that i never was home when my mom would make that phone call to the phillipines just so she could hear your voice. regret that im sorta kinda angry at you for leaving me. regret that im sorta kinda angry at you for not letting me say goodbye at least. regret that i even feel this way cause im only thinking about my pain- how FUCKING SELFISH!
yes im selfish. because i miss you. i probably always will. but GOD said it was your time and though im still struggling with that idea, its not my place to question it. because one day, in hindsight- ill probably understand. and one day, ill probably be able to stop holding on to my own breath and let you go so that one day, i can inhale again. inhale the life that the same GOD has given me. and finally exhale the pain because i can still hold on to you, without holding on to the pain.
i miss you ina. i love you.
Natalia Tolentino (8.02.1919-9.14.2005)
visit me in my dreams and let me say my final goodbye. maybe then, ill be able to heal and start to breathe again. because i stopped you know. stopped breathing since i found out you were gone.
my heart is tired of crying behind closed doors. i dont cry out in the open, for they tell me im the strong one. the one whos gonna keep fulfilling her dreams despite the trials. but im tired, and my heart is growing weary of pretending. they say to put on a smile on my face for the visitors who send their condolences through sealed envelopes, and i reply with a conditioned yes. because thats all ive been doing the past few days. doing everything everyone expects me to do. following orders & keeping my composure. because GOD knows we cant see each other's tears or else we all start crying again..
im not complaining. in fact, i invite it all. it keeps me occupied because sitting down and staring at the wall only brings me a feeling of regret. regret that i never visited you when i should have in the summer- like i told you i would. regret that i never was home when my mom would make that phone call to the phillipines just so she could hear your voice. regret that im sorta kinda angry at you for leaving me. regret that im sorta kinda angry at you for not letting me say goodbye at least. regret that i even feel this way cause im only thinking about my pain- how FUCKING SELFISH!
yes im selfish. because i miss you. i probably always will. but GOD said it was your time and though im still struggling with that idea, its not my place to question it. because one day, in hindsight- ill probably understand. and one day, ill probably be able to stop holding on to my own breath and let you go so that one day, i can inhale again. inhale the life that the same GOD has given me. and finally exhale the pain because i can still hold on to you, without holding on to the pain.
i miss you ina. i love you.
Natalia Tolentino (8.02.1919-9.14.2005)