Post-Mortem Holi-Daze
The holidays of another year have come and gone. Wow. It never ceases to amaze me just how much I can push myself past what I think my physical limits are. I think it's the family and friends that do it, in fact, I know so. I'm just not thinking about things like leg pain when my nephew is crawling over my lap...
Night before Christmas eve I went to a gathering at a friends apartment and caught up with some other old friends I haven't seen since, well practically high school. We played beer pong. We get totally smashed. It was a beautiful thing.
Christmas eve I went with my dad up north as usual and had a wonderful time with one whole side of my family. We had everyone gathered in one place again for the first time in a long time, including my aunt and cousins from Hawaii. My grandmother- 3 kids, 9 grandkids and 7 great-grandkids... And we were all there save 2 (but that's another story entirely.). It was a very happy house.
Christmas day I had a wonderful supper with my other grandmother, my mother and the rector from my grandmothers church, who is a really nice gentleman, and an utter blast to be around. He's not the pushy, stuffy religious type, he knows how to kick back and have a good time with a non-sacramental bottle of wine on Christmas day.
And gifts? Well aside from the most awesome present of all (pics will be forthcoming, I promise. For now, I leave you in suspense!) I got a ton of gift cards for Best Buy and Barnes and Noble, as well as some pocket cash. Awesomesauce.
Now, the downside... Yeah there is one, unfortunately. There are always lamentations. This one though, is pretty straightforward. Even surrounded by family and friends... I was still lonely. Less so around certain people but there's something about the holidays that really brings it out in me. I thought a lot about Reecca, which bothered me to no ends as you might well imagine, but I missed the good times we had, decorating our little apartment, gaming in front of the fireplace... Nothing can ever account for all the pain she caused me, and of course thinking about the good times led to some pretty traumatic flashbacks (sobbing uncontrollably in the shower at 2am Christmas eve waiting for anti-anxietals to kick in)... but there -were- good times. And I miss having someone to feel like that with.
And I worry, with the way my love life has been, that I might never find that again. I thought I had it again but that blew up in my face and I'm still recoiling from the blast. I also worry, that I may have more feelings for someone right in front of my face than I thought I had before. And if so, I'm not sure what to do. It's been over a year now, we've agreed on a dating/friends only policy, with no serious commitments to each other, but the trouble is, no matter how hard I try and tell myself it's not happening... I think I'm falling in love with her.
And I'm way too scared to do anything about it.
EDIT 2145 - Pictures I did promise, are pictures there shall be. Dare ye peek behind the cut? ( I know the quality is kinda poor, sorry, they were taken on a cellphone. xD)
HERE SHE IS! She's a 1997 Harley-Davidson Sportster 883 XLH ... AND SHE'S ALL MINE!
Daffy Duck: Down, down, down! mine, mine, mine! Go, go, go!
Genie: Duck, you have desecrated the spirit of the lamp! Prepare to face the consequences!
Daffy Duck: Consequences-shmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
Night before Christmas eve I went to a gathering at a friends apartment and caught up with some other old friends I haven't seen since, well practically high school. We played beer pong. We get totally smashed. It was a beautiful thing.
Christmas eve I went with my dad up north as usual and had a wonderful time with one whole side of my family. We had everyone gathered in one place again for the first time in a long time, including my aunt and cousins from Hawaii. My grandmother- 3 kids, 9 grandkids and 7 great-grandkids... And we were all there save 2 (but that's another story entirely.). It was a very happy house.
Christmas day I had a wonderful supper with my other grandmother, my mother and the rector from my grandmothers church, who is a really nice gentleman, and an utter blast to be around. He's not the pushy, stuffy religious type, he knows how to kick back and have a good time with a non-sacramental bottle of wine on Christmas day.
And gifts? Well aside from the most awesome present of all (pics will be forthcoming, I promise. For now, I leave you in suspense!) I got a ton of gift cards for Best Buy and Barnes and Noble, as well as some pocket cash. Awesomesauce.
Now, the downside... Yeah there is one, unfortunately. There are always lamentations. This one though, is pretty straightforward. Even surrounded by family and friends... I was still lonely. Less so around certain people but there's something about the holidays that really brings it out in me. I thought a lot about Reecca, which bothered me to no ends as you might well imagine, but I missed the good times we had, decorating our little apartment, gaming in front of the fireplace... Nothing can ever account for all the pain she caused me, and of course thinking about the good times led to some pretty traumatic flashbacks (sobbing uncontrollably in the shower at 2am Christmas eve waiting for anti-anxietals to kick in)... but there -were- good times. And I miss having someone to feel like that with.
And I worry, with the way my love life has been, that I might never find that again. I thought I had it again but that blew up in my face and I'm still recoiling from the blast. I also worry, that I may have more feelings for someone right in front of my face than I thought I had before. And if so, I'm not sure what to do. It's been over a year now, we've agreed on a dating/friends only policy, with no serious commitments to each other, but the trouble is, no matter how hard I try and tell myself it's not happening... I think I'm falling in love with her.
And I'm way too scared to do anything about it.
EDIT 2145 - Pictures I did promise, are pictures there shall be. Dare ye peek behind the cut? ( I know the quality is kinda poor, sorry, they were taken on a cellphone. xD)
HERE SHE IS! She's a 1997 Harley-Davidson Sportster 883 XLH ... AND SHE'S ALL MINE!
Daffy Duck: Down, down, down! mine, mine, mine! Go, go, go!
Genie: Duck, you have desecrated the spirit of the lamp! Prepare to face the consequences!
Daffy Duck: Consequences-shmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.