ミツル ０２： Catharsis and Epiphany.
For my second public entry (and essay, perhaps, if this is still considered as one), this is going to be quite long as it deals with my frustrations as a linguistics and literature student and as an academic researcher. Please bear with me, but if you don't want to read, please feel free to skip it.
Shige, why do you do this to me ;_____;
I was never one who could write well, nor am I someone who can accurately do an analysis on a particular field unless I am serious and passionate enough to do it. You could say that I am just your everyday average academically-mediocre student. But I do know when something is worth slaving yourself for, and when something deserves academic attention simply because it just does.
I found this one post on the hate meme about translations on Shige's upcoming novel. Some of the members of the fandom have expressed their wishes to have an English version of Pink and Gray, but practical reasons aside, I am not quite as enthusiastic as they are. While it might be easier to read for some of us in the international fandom, it is a little bit impossible to achieve if you look at it from a marketing perspective. And as a linguistics and literature student for the past seven years, I tend to enjoy reading literary pieces and analyzing linguistic features more when the text is in the original language. These were honestly my thoughts, and of course, everything was posted as anon - I'm too much of a coward when I'm asked to speak my mind, and I run away when faced with the possibility of a heated debate (which would explain why I am avoiding the prospect of law school at all costs).
Some anon replied to me with her (I'll go with the female person) thoughts about the slight chances of Japanese writers being published in English. Like her, I had also thought that it's kind of rare for the Japanese to release anything in English unless it would generate a good amount of income overseas. Like perhaps, releasing English versions of manga, or English snippets of Japanese literature (mostly haikus) printed on school textbooks - or Murakami, perhaps. I don't read Murakami but his is the only name I can give if you ask me about Japanese writers who have had English translations. And if you ask me honestly, as much as I like Shige and believe in his literary prowess, it would be a "suntok sa buwan" (an idiom in our language that literally means "a punch to the moon") unless he would win some kind of award.
And then same anon gave me the question, "I have never read his essays, what kind of features does he use? They're philosophical?"
At that moment, I froze. How could I explain the overwhelming bout of emotions I get whenever I read translations of Shige's essays? How could I explain the shivers I get when I see how his unique insight on trivial things is reflected in how he uses his words, and how, as an aspiring essayist myself, admire and get envious of how he accurately gets his ideas across? How could I explain to her (and hopefully convince her and others) to see the beauty that unfolds when he looks at different readings of the same kanji, when he writes his own poetry, when he makes silly puns and turn them into something expressive, insightful and philosophical? And most of all, how in bloody hell was I going to explain everything I like about Shige's style of writing with the limited amount of literary and linguistic knowledge I have, and how am I going to put my thoughts exactly as I mean them without sounding too ignorant, conceited or too condescending?
I fumbled for words as I was typing my reply, while giving out essay titles that could prove my points. I must have forgotten more, but I remember I love Poem, Gray, Version and Blue beyond belief. His writing style had enticed me and made me fall in love once more with writing, despite the fact that I had abandoned it due to lack of faith in myself. And no, it was not only the literary aspect of his essays that moved me, but also the way he analyzes certain pieces of text from a linguist's perspective - like how he looks into the phonological part in puns, or tries to look at a kanji's different pragmatic meanings. All of these had made me fall in love with Shige's wit and ability as a writer rather than as a singer (for which many people hate him and deem him as totally useless). There were so much in his works that I really, really like, and so much potential that I could not express with my limited point of view, and before I knew it, I was staring at the screen with tears running down my face. A few minutes after, I ended up sobbing in front of the computer monitor.
It's pathetic, I know and I admit.
And then it struck me. I knew right then and there why I was so frustrated, why I had this complex bunch of emotions running all over the place, why I was so undecided in terms of career direction, and why I felt that life generally had no meaning and color to me anymore.
The first thing I did was to write a confession to a colleague of mine who happened to be one of my mentors and who I look up to as a researcher. I was never in her literature classes when I was still in undergrad, but I have always been envious of her students who kept on praising her for her teaching prowess and her passion in literature AND research as a whole. I look up to her so much that I call her "Mom".
Mom,
I'm sincerely sorry for this sort of rant - I feel that I can tell all of this to you only and to no one else.
I'm not someone who is confident on doing studies on literature (which would explain why I'm in linguistics?), but I want to do a study on a series of essays by this Japanese guy. It frustrates me to think how far off in the future this is going to happen, because I know I would have to learn good Japanese first before I can do this. I want to be someone who will be able to take up Japanese studies in literature AND linguistics!
I'm really sorry Mom, it just frustrates me when I want to study something but I can't, and when I'm forced to study something I don't really want. I'm very frustrated with myself as a researcher! I really want to do this, and I only realized this just now as I am trying to finish writing the last part of my thesis proposal.
It's embarrassing to say this, but I'm actually crying as I am typing this. Mom, is it really that pathetic? Is it pathetic if I feel that I can't do something simply because "it's impossible to study that when we're in the Philippines!" or "it's not practical to our current setting"? I don't know Mom, I really don't know! The only thing I can do is to talk about my frustrations to someone who is so passionate about research, and for me, the only person whom I can talk about this is you.
Until now, as I am typing this, I am still crying. I sincerely don't want to do this. There are too many limitations in our current setting, and too many deadlines that I am trying desperately to beat. Work and school have both turned into something that I do not enjoy doing any more. I'm frustrated that now I only have less than twenty-four hours to hand in the nth version of my thesis proposal, and how it could have been possible for me to do a linguistic study on how the Japanese language is used but I kept turned down because it is seemingly irrelevant. I'm frustrated as to how I'm shackled and hampered from doing the very things I want because of financial obligations, lack of opportunities, and lukewarm responses from the people who were supposed to support me til the very end. And most of all, I'm frustrated at myself for being such a coward and spineless to take risks and jump to higher heights JUST BECAUSE I have to think of how others might feel.
All these I can never and will never be able to say. But for now, these tears will be the only witness to my pain.
For a final say, if you ask me what I really want to do a study on, I would have to say I'll do Japanese-English translation studies on translators in the fandom. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S NOT ORAL DISCOURSE LIKE "YOU" WANTED AND NOT SOMETHING "RELEVANT" AS YOU SEE IT. I want to do translation studies, be it in jpop or animanga fandom. And as far as I know, no one had attempted that. Let that be my niche.
Shige, why do you do this to me ;_____;
I was never one who could write well, nor am I someone who can accurately do an analysis on a particular field unless I am serious and passionate enough to do it. You could say that I am just your everyday average academically-mediocre student. But I do know when something is worth slaving yourself for, and when something deserves academic attention simply because it just does.
I found this one post on the hate meme about translations on Shige's upcoming novel. Some of the members of the fandom have expressed their wishes to have an English version of Pink and Gray, but practical reasons aside, I am not quite as enthusiastic as they are. While it might be easier to read for some of us in the international fandom, it is a little bit impossible to achieve if you look at it from a marketing perspective. And as a linguistics and literature student for the past seven years, I tend to enjoy reading literary pieces and analyzing linguistic features more when the text is in the original language. These were honestly my thoughts, and of course, everything was posted as anon - I'm too much of a coward when I'm asked to speak my mind, and I run away when faced with the possibility of a heated debate (which would explain why I am avoiding the prospect of law school at all costs).
Some anon replied to me with her (I'll go with the female person) thoughts about the slight chances of Japanese writers being published in English. Like her, I had also thought that it's kind of rare for the Japanese to release anything in English unless it would generate a good amount of income overseas. Like perhaps, releasing English versions of manga, or English snippets of Japanese literature (mostly haikus) printed on school textbooks - or Murakami, perhaps. I don't read Murakami but his is the only name I can give if you ask me about Japanese writers who have had English translations. And if you ask me honestly, as much as I like Shige and believe in his literary prowess, it would be a "suntok sa buwan" (an idiom in our language that literally means "a punch to the moon") unless he would win some kind of award.
And then same anon gave me the question, "I have never read his essays, what kind of features does he use? They're philosophical?"
At that moment, I froze. How could I explain the overwhelming bout of emotions I get whenever I read translations of Shige's essays? How could I explain the shivers I get when I see how his unique insight on trivial things is reflected in how he uses his words, and how, as an aspiring essayist myself, admire and get envious of how he accurately gets his ideas across? How could I explain to her (and hopefully convince her and others) to see the beauty that unfolds when he looks at different readings of the same kanji, when he writes his own poetry, when he makes silly puns and turn them into something expressive, insightful and philosophical? And most of all, how in bloody hell was I going to explain everything I like about Shige's style of writing with the limited amount of literary and linguistic knowledge I have, and how am I going to put my thoughts exactly as I mean them without sounding too ignorant, conceited or too condescending?
I fumbled for words as I was typing my reply, while giving out essay titles that could prove my points. I must have forgotten more, but I remember I love Poem, Gray, Version and Blue beyond belief. His writing style had enticed me and made me fall in love once more with writing, despite the fact that I had abandoned it due to lack of faith in myself. And no, it was not only the literary aspect of his essays that moved me, but also the way he analyzes certain pieces of text from a linguist's perspective - like how he looks into the phonological part in puns, or tries to look at a kanji's different pragmatic meanings. All of these had made me fall in love with Shige's wit and ability as a writer rather than as a singer (for which many people hate him and deem him as totally useless). There were so much in his works that I really, really like, and so much potential that I could not express with my limited point of view, and before I knew it, I was staring at the screen with tears running down my face. A few minutes after, I ended up sobbing in front of the computer monitor.
It's pathetic, I know and I admit.
And then it struck me. I knew right then and there why I was so frustrated, why I had this complex bunch of emotions running all over the place, why I was so undecided in terms of career direction, and why I felt that life generally had no meaning and color to me anymore.
The first thing I did was to write a confession to a colleague of mine who happened to be one of my mentors and who I look up to as a researcher. I was never in her literature classes when I was still in undergrad, but I have always been envious of her students who kept on praising her for her teaching prowess and her passion in literature AND research as a whole. I look up to her so much that I call her "Mom".
Mom,
I'm sincerely sorry for this sort of rant - I feel that I can tell all of this to you only and to no one else.
I'm not someone who is confident on doing studies on literature (which would explain why I'm in linguistics?), but I want to do a study on a series of essays by this Japanese guy. It frustrates me to think how far off in the future this is going to happen, because I know I would have to learn good Japanese first before I can do this. I want to be someone who will be able to take up Japanese studies in literature AND linguistics!
I'm really sorry Mom, it just frustrates me when I want to study something but I can't, and when I'm forced to study something I don't really want. I'm very frustrated with myself as a researcher! I really want to do this, and I only realized this just now as I am trying to finish writing the last part of my thesis proposal.
It's embarrassing to say this, but I'm actually crying as I am typing this. Mom, is it really that pathetic? Is it pathetic if I feel that I can't do something simply because "it's impossible to study that when we're in the Philippines!" or "it's not practical to our current setting"? I don't know Mom, I really don't know! The only thing I can do is to talk about my frustrations to someone who is so passionate about research, and for me, the only person whom I can talk about this is you.
Until now, as I am typing this, I am still crying. I sincerely don't want to do this. There are too many limitations in our current setting, and too many deadlines that I am trying desperately to beat. Work and school have both turned into something that I do not enjoy doing any more. I'm frustrated that now I only have less than twenty-four hours to hand in the nth version of my thesis proposal, and how it could have been possible for me to do a linguistic study on how the Japanese language is used but I kept turned down because it is seemingly irrelevant. I'm frustrated as to how I'm shackled and hampered from doing the very things I want because of financial obligations, lack of opportunities, and lukewarm responses from the people who were supposed to support me til the very end. And most of all, I'm frustrated at myself for being such a coward and spineless to take risks and jump to higher heights JUST BECAUSE I have to think of how others might feel.
All these I can never and will never be able to say. But for now, these tears will be the only witness to my pain.
For a final say, if you ask me what I really want to do a study on, I would have to say I'll do Japanese-English translation studies on translators in the fandom. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S NOT ORAL DISCOURSE LIKE "YOU" WANTED AND NOT SOMETHING "RELEVANT" AS YOU SEE IT. I want to do translation studies, be it in jpop or animanga fandom. And as far as I know, no one had attempted that. Let that be my niche.