(no subject)
Rated G
I wrote this while dealing with Ryan Dunn's sudden death. If it's too soon or anyone finds it inappropriate just let me know and I'll delete it.
Less than three hours after Ville had gotten the phone call he had managed to get himself on a flight out of the country. He had used his celebrity status, which is something he rarely ever did, but drastic times called for drastic measures. When April had told him what had happened, his first reaction was to believe it was some kind of joke. After all, how many times had Bam gotten him before? It was after he realized April would never help set him up, and after he heard the sorrow and hitch in her voice that his stomach dropped to his knees. After he hung up with her he had to put his head between his knees to keep from passing out. Once he had caught his breath he went on autopilot, packing a bag, calling for a ride to the airport, calling anyone who needed to know to tell them he was leaving and why. After that was the long ride over the ocean. A part of him needed to visit the crash site before he went to see Bam. The driver stopped long enough so he could get out and take a look around. People had already turned the area into a memorial and the statements both warmed his heart and saddened him.
He still couldn’t believe that Ryan was gone. They had gotten close thanks to Bam. In fact they had used to goof around about who was Bam’s closer friend. It had been all in good fun of course, as Ville knew Ryan would always win hands down. They all used to drink and party together, back when Ville still drank. When he quit Ryan had jokingly called him an old man but respected his decision, just as Ville respected his to keep up the same lifestyle. Ville shook his head and climbed back into the car, watching as they drove to Bam’s. He knew he could never know just what had happened that early morning, or what had been going on inside Ryan’s head and that it was futile to even try to figure it out.
When the car parked in front of the house and he got out, Ville wish desperately for a cigarette even though he knew he’d never light one. He needed something to take the edge off, to stop his hands from shaking. Finally he wiped his palms against his jeans and knocked on the door. Ape opened the door and pulled him into her arms before he could even get a good look at her. He heard her sniffling against his shoulder, her words muffled as she spoke to him.
“He’s in his room and won’t come out for anyone. I’m so worried about him Ville.” She sighed and stepped back, looking up at him.
Ville nodded as he looked back, taking in her red, puffy eyes and red nose. “I’ll talk to him. I’ll make sure he’s okay, I promise.”
“I’ll fix some food for you. For when you come back down.” She walked off, nodding to herself.
He understood what she was doing. The need to keep busy kept you from thinking. And anything that kept you from thinking about what happened was good. But they’d all break down at some point. He had been there before when a friend had committed suicide and he’d get there again with this loss. As he walked room to room, heading for the stairs, he passed more of Bam’s friends and family. Phil and Jesse were on the couch, speaking in hushed tones. The rest of the Jackass crew were either sitting, or walking around aimlessly, rather like mindless zombies. Every face in the house had a look of shock, disbelief or grief. He heard Bam before he saw him, the sound of things smashing and breaking tickling his ears as he ascending the staircase. As Ville got closer to the room Bam’s voice drifted through the door, emotions jumping erratically from anger to depression. He could hear him yelling at Ryan for being so reckless, then sobbing to whatever higher being might exist for taking his friend away, asking why it had to be done. Ville took a deep breath and knocked, turning the knob and opening the door at the same time.
“Bam?” he peered into the room and was shocked at what he saw.
The shape of the room was to be expected. Everything was tossed around. Some of it was broken or torn, others just laying in a disorganized heap. Bam was on his knees, face in his hands. He looked at Ville for only a second before returning to his need to grieve. Ville saw the red ringed eyes and trail of tears down both cheeks. He could see the bruised and bloodied knuckles from punching out at whatever was close enough to hit. He saw his friend in so much pain and his heart broke even more, his own tears starting to fall. He walked over and dropped beside him, pulling him into his arms. Bam instinctively curled against his chest, sobbing loudly against it. Ville stroked his hair and back, just listening as Bam spoke.
“Why’d it have to happen? He’s my best friend. How could Ryan go and get himself killed?” Bam repeated some of the same things over and over, pounding his fist gently against Ville’s chest. “Why wasn’t I here with him? Why the fuck was I in Arizona?”
Bam’s body shook harder as he sobbed for his lost friend, clinging for dear life to his other friend. All Ville could think of to do was hold him tighter, rock him gently and softly sing him an old finnish lullaby that always made him feel a little better. He kept singing even as Bam continued to speak.
“We were supposed to grow into a couple of old assholes together. What am I supposed to do without him?”
Ville finished the song as Bam lay quietly against him, tears still falling freely. He knew he didn’t have any magic cures to help his friend get over his pain. He wished he could take it all away for him but it wasn’t possible. In fact, his biggest fear is that Bam would do something drastic to deal with the pain and end up dead himself. He knew that thought was on everyone’s mind. His only thoughts now were to find a way to make sure that didn’t happen.
Bam finally looked up at Ville, his eyes so filled with pain. “How long does it take the hurt to go away?”
Ville sighed and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “It never does. Not completely.”
“And the things they say on the internet about him…” he wiped his eyes against his sleeve.
“Who gives a fuck about what “they” say? The only thing that matters is how you feel about him. Nobody can take away the friendship and love you two shared. Fuck the internet. It’s why I rarely touch the damn thing. Let me take you home to Finland after the funeral. No news stories, no papers, no internet. None of that garbage. Just you, me and our happy memories.” Ville gave him a small smile.
“Let’s take the whole family. We could all use a vacation…” Bam stood up, kicking aside some broken furniture. It was obvious to Ville that he was afraid to let anyone out of his sight, lest something happen to one of them. It was one of the after effects of loss. “I’ll go let them know.”
Ville sighed when his friend left the room. He knew the healing process would be long and painful, for all of them. Things would never be the same in their lives ever again, but they could at least work on picking up the pieces and putting them back together in a new, maybe even healthier order. When he got up to follow after Bam he paused for a moment and looked up at the ceiling.
“I promise to look after him Ryan. But if you want to watch over him as well, that’s okay with me. Thanks for allowing me into your friendship. I’ll never forget it.”