N00b

[villey]

Hey there people, I've been a member for a while but never really had the courage to post anything. So here goes my first post...not my first fic ever but I'm sure I haven't really made that many improvements...

Title: The First Cut
Pairing: Ville/Mige

Rating: R
Chapter: 01/04
Disclaimer: Don't know, don't own....

Comments are welcome, even if negative....



Part One

Fuck. Shit, shit, shit, shit. Why are they the only words in my head right now? I guess swear words avoid you from facing any true emotions. They just cover it up. I'm covering up with useless language. Covering up everything that my blood is trying to tell me. I don't want to think about it, I just don't. Why should I have to? Why can't I just ignore it? It doesn't have to be important. Why should it be? That's right, I'll just dig my hands into my pockets and stroll down this road. I'm taking it way too seriously. I mean, really, it's not that much of a big deal. It's not like it matters. Yep everything is fine, I'm just exaggerating. Exaggerating everything. Everything is normal, everything is fine.

But it isn't- Damn my brain! Why can't I just stop it thinking? Why can't I just stop with all these questions? I mean, of course I can. I could just think about it and answer them. But I don't want to do that. No, it's far too terrifying. And it isn't important anyway. Jesus, I just need to listen to my own advice and keep walking. It will all fade eventually.

But it won't- What did I say about not thinking!? Oh god, I'm more screwed up than I thought. What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is the use of all of these questions? I wish I knew. I wish I knew more than just questions, I wish I knew the answers. I wish I knew how to tell myself, to tell myself that this isn't right. That I am far, far away from right or even okay.

I wish I knew why undressing her felt so wrong. Why I excused myself by saying it was nerves. Sure, I was nervous. But I've been nervous since the age of thirteen, nervous about my body, about girls. But I thought I'd gotten over that, I felt like maybe I was finally an adult as I pushed her onto that table. But as I undressed her, well that's when it started to go horribly wrong. I had to keep kissing her for one, in a silly attempt to keep my eyes shut. It's a good job she was drunk because she might have been able to tell how anxious I was if she hadn't been. She might have noticed the way I didn't dare touch her thoroughly at all, the way I tried to get it over and done with so quickly.

My heart reassured me it would, but it didn't get any better when I slipped inside her. There I was, grabbing onto her hips as I tried my best not to notice the way alcohol was rising in my stomach. I felt so sick, so utterly filthy. My god, it felt like I had always imagined a one night stand to. But the thing was that I had been dating this girl for two months. Two, perfectly healthy months. Months that I hadn't regretted until tonight. Tonight, now, now I couldn't even say her name.

My hips had continued their rhythm though. God knows why. There was still that illusion. That illusion that if I kept going it would eventually get good. That illusion that told me I couldn't expect things to be perfect. I was asking for way too much. So I kept going, getting more and more sick of our motions than before. Thank whatever is up there for making her writhe and pant. If she hadn't she would have noticed me starring into the distance, trying to think of anything but our rhythm. I didn't want to hear her moans, I didn't even want to hear the way our skin rubbed together. Smacking loudly through the room.

She passed out beneath me after one last intoxicating moan. Finally letting me breathe. But the air was dirty, as dirty as I felt. I needed to get out, that much I knew. I had enough courtesy to move her over to a sofa and cover her up. But that was it. I ran into the bathroom after that, clearing myself up from the filthy plastic and splashing my face with water. Trying desperately to make the filth disappear. I wanted to be clean again, I wanted to have never ended up in this place. Wondering where the hell my dreams had gone.

Call me a sappy romantic but I had always had dreams about this. This day that so many people remember with a fondness I always wanted to achieve. Their eyes just went all sparkly and it just seemed like one of those things. One of those things that had utterly made their lives. This is how I imagined it: candles, roses maybe the faintest sound of music. But of course, I knew that once I found the perfect girl all of that just wouldn't matter. But I had never found her.

Maybe I'm too complicated? I used to think that to myself every time my relationships failed. Maybe there just wasn't anybody out there that was right for me. It sure felt like it. Reaching out was always hard and I had never found anyone that truly understood me, I had never found anyone that made me feel special. That kind of special that I should have had no words for.

And to think, nineteen years and I still hadn't found that person. I know it's stupid but I had started to loose hope. I mean, they say that there is that one person for everyone right? Well, where were they? On the other side of the world? Because I didn't feel like I was getting any closer. Girlfriend after girlfriend and I hadn't found her. Maybe, just maybe, I didn't have one of those soul mates. Maybe it was some cruel joke. I had waited so long to loose my wretched virginity and I wasn't even rewarded for it. I wasn't given my magical night with candle light. All I had was this filth, this filth that was consuming every inch of my body.

A long sigh follows my thoughts, ending my confessions to myself. It's finally out but it isn't making me feel any better. I still feel filthy, more awful than I ever have before. There is no escape from this, nothing at all. It just feels like I am going to be trapped here forever. Like I'm never going to have the strength to break the barriers around me. Barriers that reek.

Running my hand through my long hair doesn't succeed in comforting me, another long sigh dragged out of my mouth as I look into the distance. Wow, with all of my thinking I hadn't realized how far I had walked. I was right at the other side of town now. Well away from her house and a lot closer to mine. My spirits rise when I think of going home and having a bath, perhaps writing a few songs about this, who nows? But then I remember. The plumbing is being fixed and I've been staying with my parents for the past couple of days. The corners of my lips sink back down.

It's not that I don't like my parents. I love them. Always have, always will. It's just that, well, I told them I wouldn't be back tonight and right now I just want to keep my promise. If I go there I know I will have to wake Mamma up, I'll have to tell her everything. And right now I don't want to rub my troubles onto her, not when I'm in this state. Not when I'm going to cause her more worry than is actually necessary.

This is the kind of situation you need friends in. I think of that as I stare down the familiar street in front of me. A street that has never let me down before. Every time I walk up it, when I return to my own home, I feel fixed, like the sun could come out of the black winter sky. Perhaps it can mend me again. But either way, there's only one way to find out.

My hands press against the door as I try and get my breath back. So maybe running up those stairs wasn't such a good idea after all. Nevertheless I'm thankful that I don't have to reach for my inhaler, it would have been the second time tonight. I'm just left to assess the situation this time. Menacing concrete is surrounding me and I swear I can hear the squeaks of rats. It's nothing like my flat. The flat my Daddy bought for me after I got stuck in hospital. It's in a nice enough neighborhood, the kind of neighborhood you see old grannies shopping in occasionally, but not too far away so that I can't escape to the pub or end up here for that matter. It was his objective though, to live somewhere he knew his parents would never visit.

But even in this downtrodden atmosphere I feel dirty. More dirty than the rat I have just seen scuttle past. There goes another sigh, drifting through the concrete jungle more gracefully than it should have. Maybe there's something better behind this door? No, I know there is. There's nothing better than my best friend. And although I see yet another rat run past, I know there's nowhere else I'd rather be.

I try and make my knock even. Not too loud but not so soft he won't hear it. I hit the door just twice, waiting patiently after that as I pull my long sleeves back over my hands. I'm grateful when I hear some rustling coming from inside, frantic rustling. Then the footsteps start, footsteps that are still slightly out of balance. Shit, I woke him up.

But I don't have time to feel guilty. The door swings open and sure enough, there's Mige, dressing gown slung around his shoulders, long hair everywhere, eyes barely even slits. Should I apologize? I know I have to say something, I'm guessing that he hasn't even recognized me yet.

"Ville?" Okay, so maybe I was wrong.

"Mikko, I'm so sorry-" I thought it best to start with my apologies but he stops me, eyes a little wider now and more alert, like he's smelt the filth on me. Like he knows exactly what is wrong.

"Ville-" He stops to rub at his eyes briefly, looking right back up at me once he's done, his eyes a little red now, "Just come in, okay?" I nod at his words, looking down at the floor as he gives me room to step in to the flat. Once I turn around I see him close the door again, pulling his robe around him where it was open before.

"Take a seat." He motions at his battered sofa after he sees me standing in the middle of the room, between his small kitchen and what I can only describe as the sitting room. I follow his request and move over to the small gathering of chairs, choosing the sofa to sit on before I slump down onto it, making it creek with my weight.

"Would you like something to drink?" The next question comes from the kitchen, making me look up at him once more. He's pulling the coffee out of one of his various cupboards, putting the kettle on once he's dragged the pot onto the counter. I shake my head, forgetting he has his back to me. He turns to face me when he doesn't hear my reply, his eyes questioning as I run a hand through my hair again.

"Um, no thank you." I reply quickly, a little embarrassed for keeping him waiting. He looks worried as he makes his own cup of coffee, looking back at me a couple of times before he moves over to the sofa carefully. He sits down next to me before he puts his steaming mug back on the small table in front of us, looking straight at me with those worried eyes this time.

"Are you okay?" He asks, clearly already knowing the answer. I shake my head a bit, looking away from his gaze, wondering for the first time tonight how I'm going to explain this to him without looking like a total idiot.

"No, not exactly." I reply, cursing the nerves in my voice. Mige picks up his coffee and takes a sip from it, his eyes still concerned as he puts it back on the table.

"Weren't you supposed to be staying with Ritva tonight?" That was a name I didn't want or need to hear right now, I was quite happy with not ever remembering it again.

"Yeah...I'm sorry Mige...I just-I..." I blabber out, feeling exactly like I did when I left her flat tonight. Confused. Like I had no sense of who I was or why I was anymore. What the hell is wrong with me?

"Shh, Ville," I look up and notice that Mige has moved closer now, his eyes far more worried than they were before, "Just take your time." I exhale with his words, trying to calm down and explain this to him in the best way possible. But my god, I still feel like I'm going to start shaking any minute now.

"I went over...and I was with her...and we-" I stop to take another heavy breath, feeling like my eyes are bulging out with the memories consuming my mind right now. Memories I never wanted to remember, "But it was so wrong...it just didn't feel-" Okay, now I'm really shaking. My entire body is. My shoulders, my knees, everything. Mige gets up quickly, reaching for something on one of the sofa chairs next to us, leaving me to brace myself against my tremors. He returns quickly though, wrapping a blanket around me and reaching to hold my hand tightly, with more strength than I have.

When I don't stop shaking he pulls me close to him, consuming me with his heat and with his gentle hands that drag down my back, soothing me with his whispers of utter comfort. My breath slowly starts to even as I wrap my arms around him, becoming more aware of his touches now. I could tell you exactly where they stop on my back, the exact movements his hands make, the instructions each of his fingers receive. I want to touch him back but I'm too consumed by it. I'm too consumed by the way he's cleansing me. Cleansing me from the filth of confusion.

I look up at him coyly, trying desperately not to part our bodies. His breathing is as deep as mine as I look into his eyes. Eyes that convey so many moments. Ten years of moments. Moments that play against his grey irises, reminding me of everything. Clarifying everything that I wasn't sure about tonight. Just like those first horror movies we watched together, me trying to be cool as I trembled at some gory scene. But it didn't last long. I remember jumping and landing on his lap, my face deeply buried in his chest as I felt him chuckle against me. That was so innocent, but right now. Now I'm not sure if that is all I want.

"It didn't feel like I thought it would." I finally finish my sentence, ending the mystery in our conversation. Mige moves up slightly on the sofa, dragging his hands further up my back with his movements. He's still looking straight into my eyes as he parts his lips, finding words that will soon penetrate the silence.

"How did you think it would feel?" He asks gently, still keeping the atmosphere our embrace has trapped us in. And that's when it hits me. This is it. This is part of that dream. My voice is knocked dead by my thoughts. Do I confess? Do I tell him that it's this comfort I wanted so badly? The comfort that could cure something I never thought possible to mend. Just like my fear of everything in those movies. I never thought it possible to not be scared of that, I never thought I would ever be able to sit through an entire movie of blood and screams. But gradually I did. That's the thing, I never had to pretend around Mige. He saw no shame in holding me. There was no shame in being there for each other.

Oh god, I'm moving closer and I haven't even answered his question. There's this complex gravitational pull on my body as my arms tighten around him, and I know that even if I tried I couldn't stop it. But then I swear I can feel his arms lifting me, I swear I can see him angling his face a little, his hands still strong and defiant. And then it happens. Just like that. His eyes close in front of me and my lips bump into his. I think it's the softest thing I've ever felt as I close my eyes, sinking into his body.