Mistake 2/2 (Taxi AU oneshot: To be read after Tonight)
Title: Mistake (Next in series after Tonight)
Author: himawarixxsandz
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: JunSeung with mentions of DooSeob
Summary: It's not Junhyung's fault.
A/N: .....So. I literally almost cried while I was writing this. I have no happy words for this A/N you guys TT.TT None at all. I just. Like, I don't even know what I'm going to do with I Shouldn't Speak. It's just. I don't even know. Just. Please don't kill Jun. At least let him have his say in ISS before you kill him TT.TT Or, y'know, maybe I'm just being delusional and this isn't as sad as I think it is.
Part 1 // Part 2
For not making you love me more
It’s Junhyung’s fault.
It’s Junhyung’s fault and Hyunseung hates it-hates him.
He hates how Junhyung has so many masks hanging on the walls of his office, on the walls of his apartment, that Hyunseung’s surprised the younger man himself hasn’t lost track of them. He hates how Junhyung wears a different mask for every girl he appears with at dinner parties, at balls, at banquets, at galas, at benefits. He hates how Junhyung wears a different mask for his parents, for the people he has to introduce himself and his multiple girlfriends to.
He hates how Junhyung only takes those masks off around Dongwoon and Doojoon and Hyuna and Hyunseung. He hates how when Junhyung takes those masks off, Hyunseung can see all of the scars, all of the wounds and injuries and cuts and bruises, and Hyunseung is powerless against it. He hates how he can never bring himself to turn Junhyung out whenever the younger man shows up bleeding all over the carpet in Hyunseung’s office.
He can’t stop himself from nursing Junhyung back to health, can’t stop himself from wasting all of his own medicine and energy on Junhyung even though Hyunseung hasn’t even managed to staunch his own bleeding yet.
It’s my mistake
It’s Junhyung’s fault.
It’s Junhyung’s fault and Hyunseung hates it-hates him.
He hates how Junhyung smiles. He hates how when Junhyung smiles, the younger man’s lips curve upward, how his entire face lights up like something completely innocent-like pure, genuine amusement that’s so sincere regardless of why he’s smiling. He hates how Junhyung laughs-how his wrist moves in front of his mouth, like he’s trying to hide his grin even though Hyunseung doesn’t understand why anyone would hide something that perfect.
He hates how Junhyung holds Hyunseung. He hates how the younger man holds him like Hyunseung is the last thing on earth-holds him tight and close like a child with a stuffed toy, but gently enough, softly enough, that Hyunseung still feels like he’s being held like spun glass. He hates how Junhyung kisses him. He hates how Junhyung kisses him in a way that Hyunseung’s never been kissed before-kisses him softly, carefully and hesitantly at first, always letting Hyunseung take what he wants. Junhyung always kisses Hyunseung gently even when it’s hot and rough and careless and quick, somehow-somehow-it’s always gentle and even Hyunseung doesn’t understand how Junhyung manages it.
For making myself love you more
Hyunseung goes home a few times a month-home as in family-home, as in to visit his parents, to visit Geurim, to eat food that he doesn’t have to stare at before putting in his mouth because he’s never been the greatest at cooking and with enough money to eat from restaurants, he’s never really bothered to improve.
He doesn’t know why he does it.
But he decides to bring Junhyung with him this time.
It’s my mistake
He drives to Junhyung’s apartment on a sunny Saturday morning and drags the younger man, shuffling and nervous and immaculate and perfect in khakis and a t-shirt, into the passenger seat. He’s asked Junhyung ahead of time, asked him a week before, and doesn’t even understand why Junhyung said yes so easily because Hyunseung still has no idea why he’s doing any of this, but he guesses that Junhyung at least has a vague thought as to what all of this even is.
Junhyung spends the entire drive bombarding Hyunseung with questions while quizzing himself with note cards on everything Hyunseung’s told him about Geurim and his parents.
Hyunseung tries his best not to laugh and turns the AC on high so Junhyung doesn’t flood the car with sweat.
For not making you love me as much as I wanted you to
Hyunseung’s parents know. Geurim knows.
His entire family knows because he told them in his freshman year of high school and all it took was two weeks of neither of his parents speaking to him. Two weeks of Hyunseung wondering whether he had to move out, whether his parents would let even let Geurim talk to him, even let her around him-two weeks of that, but that was that.
So even though Hyunseung introduces Junhyung to his parents and Geurim as a friend from work-
His mother looks away with a small amused smile, his father claps Junhyung on the shoulder, and Geurim starts tugging at Junhyung’s hand and asking him if he maybe has a younger brother in high school that’s about her own age.
It’s my mistake
After dinner with Hyunseung’s family, while Geurim goes to her night classes, while Hyunseung’s father goes out because he wants to take a look at Hyunseung’s new car, while Hyunseung’s mother stocks up on side dishes and snacks for Hyunseung and Junhyung to take back with them-
Hyunseung takes Junhyung out to the deck.
He doesn’t say anything when Junhyung leans into Hyunseung’s arms, hiding his face away against Hyunseung’s collarbone-doesn’t say anything even when he feels something wet against his neck and shoulder. He doesn’t say anything when Junhyung’s fingers start gripping at Hyunseung’s waist, wrinkling and scrunching the cloth in his hands.
He doesn’t say anything until Junhyung’s shoulders stop shaking, until the younger man’s breathing evens back out. Junhyung lies limp and lifeless in Hyunseung’s arms now-the only sign of life he shows is his death grip on Hyunseung’s waist. “They like you,” Hyunseung says softly, as Junhyung shifts so that his head rests in Hyunseung’s lap, face tipped up toward the night sky.
The younger man’s eyes are raw and wet, pink and swollen. “I like them, too,” he says hoarsely.
“Geurimie thinks you’re hot,” Hyunseung smiles. And then he makes a face. “Except I think my mom does, too.”
Junhyung laughs hesitantly, weakly. “Cool,” he says. “I like your dad.”
“My dad?” Hyunseung raises his eyebrows as Junhyung reaches up and runs his fingers absently down the side of Hyunseung’s face. “My dad’s weird as fuck. He’s probably trying to paint my car orange right now.”
“Like father like son,” Junhyung teases, rolling his head to the side barely fast enough to dodge Hyunseung’s elbow.
Knowing that I can’t have you
Hyunseung wants Junhyung to know that even if the younger man’s family might not want him for who he is-
Hyunseung’s already does.
After waiting alone by myself
He overhears it because he thinks it’d be impossible not to.
Regardless of the thick walls of the offices designed for the heads of departments, standing right next to the door, it’d be impossible not to overhear Doojoon and Hyuna’s voices because it’s Doojoon and Hyuna. It’s Doojoon and Hyuna in Junhyung’s office, and Hyunseung is right in front of it because he has to give Junhyung the files for tomorrow’s meeting.
It’s two against one.
And it becomes pretty clear that Doojoon and Hyuna are winning.
Hyunseung hears everything.
He hears How long are you going to keep this up? He hears Do you know how much this is killing him? He hears If you’re not going to fucking do something, if you’re not going to fucking grow a pair, then at least borrow a pair so you have enough to let him go. He hears thumping sounds, chairs being pushed, hands banging on tables, Hyuna’s heels stomping back and forth. He hears Just because he hides it in front of you, do you think we can’t all see it? Even Dongwoon is fucking hurting from seeing all this shit-but you’re so caught up in hiding that I bet you don’t even know your own assistant director, your dongsaeng, is spending half of his paychecks at a whore club, do you?
He hears Doojoon and Hyuna’s combined shouting stop suddenly-hears a chair being pushed back, the legs sliding against the carpet, the wood knocking against the wall.
He hears Junhyung’s voice.
Get the fuck out. Both of you-right now.
After regretting all alone by myself
“What happens,” Hyunseung asks, lying spread-eagle and naked on the conference room table (because if they spend too many nights at Junhyung’s apartment, the younger man says he’s afraid that they’ll see Hyunseung leave together with him in the mornings), “when your parents make you get married?”
Junhyung is lying on his stomach, right beside Hyunseung, one arm framing the older man’s head like a halo, fingertips stroking mindlessly through his hair. “What d’you mean?” He frowns at Hyunseung. “Of course I’m never-”
Hyunseung’s look alone cuts him off. “I don’t think they’re just going to keep letting you blow off girl after girl forever.”
“I know,” Junhyung says quietly. “But-I can’t-I can’t tell them. They’d cut me off. My apartment, my accounts, this job, everything-it’s all theirs. The only things that are actually mine, the only things I have are what they absolutely couldn’t get me. If they could buy me my high school and college diplomas, they probably would’ve. Everything else-it’s theirs.”
Except it’s not, Hyunseung wants to say. He wants to say that Junhyung is forgetting a few things. He wants to say that Junhyung is forgetting five extremely important things aside from his high school and college diplomas that are very clearly Junhyung’s and not his parents. He wants to say that Junhyung seems to have forgotten about those five little things. Five little things like Doojoon and Hyuna and Yoseob and Dongwoon and Hyunseung.
Hyunseung pulls away slightly, puts space in between their bodies. “So what, then? You’d get married? You’d really marry one of the girls they set you up with?”
In the end my real mistake
Junhyung doesn’t meet his eyes.
He sits up and faces away from Hyunseung, pushing himself off of the table and onto his feet, taking up his clothes and suddenly starting to dress himself.
“It’s not like I have a choice,” Junhyung says quietly.
Was loving you
She’s the heiress of a company that his father’s had an eye on for a few months now. She’s small and sleek with shiny black hair that rests just above her shoulders, bared by a backless dress that scrunches up at the base of her back-right where Junhyung’s hand rests as he introduces her as his new girlfriend to the higher-ups, to the other heads of departments, to his employees.
I must look like such a fool
When the girl is smiling prettily and answering a question asked by one of the trade executives from Japan, while the small crowd of people surrounding Junhyung are talking amongst themselves, while Hyunseung is nursing his umpteenth flute of champagne-his eyes glance up involuntarily and he catches Junhyung looking-catches the younger man’s eyes.
He knows what they’re saying.
He knows they’re saying sorry-knows that Junhyung is apologizing for this like he always does every single time it happens. He knows that Junhyung knows all of this is the younger man’s fault. He knows that Junhyung knows that Hyunseung hurts every time. He knows that Junhyung’s always sorry-always so sorry.
Junhyung doesn't know, however, that sorry is useless.
It’s useless to be sorry when it’s not your even your fault.
I knew I would get hurt and couldn’t let go
It’s not Junhyung’s fault.
Junhyung shouldn’t be sorry-shouldn’t be yelled at by Doojoon and Hyuna-shouldn’t be blamed for Dongwoon’s problems-shouldn’t have to look at Hyunseung like that from across rooms filled with people that only know the younger man when he’s covered up with masks until he’s unrecognizable to the people who really do know him.
It’s Hyunseung’s fault.
All of this-everything-it’s all Hyunseung’s fault. Everything that’s happened between them should be blamed on Hyunseung because Junhyung did nothing. Hyunseung is the one who made all of the mistakes-he should have known better. He should have known better than to make the mistake of thinking, of believing, of hoping, that Junhyung would do any differently for Hyunseung than the younger man had done for all of his past lovers. It was a mistake-Hyunseung’s mistake.
Junhyung was a mistake.
Please forgive this kind of me
Doojoon’s hand rests on Hyunseung’s hip as they make their way down the dimly lit hall-darkened because the dinner party only takes place in one part of the building and after hours, the custodians shut everything else off. Doojoon’s hand is on Hyunseung’s hip, but Hyunseung leads the way to the conference room.
The me who loves you
Author: himawarixxsandz
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: JunSeung with mentions of DooSeob
Summary: It's not Junhyung's fault.
A/N: .....So. I literally almost cried while I was writing this. I have no happy words for this A/N you guys TT.TT None at all. I just. Like, I don't even know what I'm going to do with I Shouldn't Speak. It's just. I don't even know. Just. Please don't kill Jun. At least let him have his say in ISS before you kill him TT.TT Or, y'know, maybe I'm just being delusional and this isn't as sad as I think it is.
Part 1 // Part 2
For not making you love me more
It’s Junhyung’s fault.
It’s Junhyung’s fault and Hyunseung hates it-hates him.
He hates how Junhyung has so many masks hanging on the walls of his office, on the walls of his apartment, that Hyunseung’s surprised the younger man himself hasn’t lost track of them. He hates how Junhyung wears a different mask for every girl he appears with at dinner parties, at balls, at banquets, at galas, at benefits. He hates how Junhyung wears a different mask for his parents, for the people he has to introduce himself and his multiple girlfriends to.
He hates how Junhyung only takes those masks off around Dongwoon and Doojoon and Hyuna and Hyunseung. He hates how when Junhyung takes those masks off, Hyunseung can see all of the scars, all of the wounds and injuries and cuts and bruises, and Hyunseung is powerless against it. He hates how he can never bring himself to turn Junhyung out whenever the younger man shows up bleeding all over the carpet in Hyunseung’s office.
He can’t stop himself from nursing Junhyung back to health, can’t stop himself from wasting all of his own medicine and energy on Junhyung even though Hyunseung hasn’t even managed to staunch his own bleeding yet.
It’s my mistake
It’s Junhyung’s fault.
It’s Junhyung’s fault and Hyunseung hates it-hates him.
He hates how Junhyung smiles. He hates how when Junhyung smiles, the younger man’s lips curve upward, how his entire face lights up like something completely innocent-like pure, genuine amusement that’s so sincere regardless of why he’s smiling. He hates how Junhyung laughs-how his wrist moves in front of his mouth, like he’s trying to hide his grin even though Hyunseung doesn’t understand why anyone would hide something that perfect.
He hates how Junhyung holds Hyunseung. He hates how the younger man holds him like Hyunseung is the last thing on earth-holds him tight and close like a child with a stuffed toy, but gently enough, softly enough, that Hyunseung still feels like he’s being held like spun glass. He hates how Junhyung kisses him. He hates how Junhyung kisses him in a way that Hyunseung’s never been kissed before-kisses him softly, carefully and hesitantly at first, always letting Hyunseung take what he wants. Junhyung always kisses Hyunseung gently even when it’s hot and rough and careless and quick, somehow-somehow-it’s always gentle and even Hyunseung doesn’t understand how Junhyung manages it.
For making myself love you more
Hyunseung goes home a few times a month-home as in family-home, as in to visit his parents, to visit Geurim, to eat food that he doesn’t have to stare at before putting in his mouth because he’s never been the greatest at cooking and with enough money to eat from restaurants, he’s never really bothered to improve.
He doesn’t know why he does it.
But he decides to bring Junhyung with him this time.
It’s my mistake
He drives to Junhyung’s apartment on a sunny Saturday morning and drags the younger man, shuffling and nervous and immaculate and perfect in khakis and a t-shirt, into the passenger seat. He’s asked Junhyung ahead of time, asked him a week before, and doesn’t even understand why Junhyung said yes so easily because Hyunseung still has no idea why he’s doing any of this, but he guesses that Junhyung at least has a vague thought as to what all of this even is.
Junhyung spends the entire drive bombarding Hyunseung with questions while quizzing himself with note cards on everything Hyunseung’s told him about Geurim and his parents.
Hyunseung tries his best not to laugh and turns the AC on high so Junhyung doesn’t flood the car with sweat.
For not making you love me as much as I wanted you to
Hyunseung’s parents know. Geurim knows.
His entire family knows because he told them in his freshman year of high school and all it took was two weeks of neither of his parents speaking to him. Two weeks of Hyunseung wondering whether he had to move out, whether his parents would let even let Geurim talk to him, even let her around him-two weeks of that, but that was that.
So even though Hyunseung introduces Junhyung to his parents and Geurim as a friend from work-
His mother looks away with a small amused smile, his father claps Junhyung on the shoulder, and Geurim starts tugging at Junhyung’s hand and asking him if he maybe has a younger brother in high school that’s about her own age.
It’s my mistake
After dinner with Hyunseung’s family, while Geurim goes to her night classes, while Hyunseung’s father goes out because he wants to take a look at Hyunseung’s new car, while Hyunseung’s mother stocks up on side dishes and snacks for Hyunseung and Junhyung to take back with them-
Hyunseung takes Junhyung out to the deck.
He doesn’t say anything when Junhyung leans into Hyunseung’s arms, hiding his face away against Hyunseung’s collarbone-doesn’t say anything even when he feels something wet against his neck and shoulder. He doesn’t say anything when Junhyung’s fingers start gripping at Hyunseung’s waist, wrinkling and scrunching the cloth in his hands.
He doesn’t say anything until Junhyung’s shoulders stop shaking, until the younger man’s breathing evens back out. Junhyung lies limp and lifeless in Hyunseung’s arms now-the only sign of life he shows is his death grip on Hyunseung’s waist. “They like you,” Hyunseung says softly, as Junhyung shifts so that his head rests in Hyunseung’s lap, face tipped up toward the night sky.
The younger man’s eyes are raw and wet, pink and swollen. “I like them, too,” he says hoarsely.
“Geurimie thinks you’re hot,” Hyunseung smiles. And then he makes a face. “Except I think my mom does, too.”
Junhyung laughs hesitantly, weakly. “Cool,” he says. “I like your dad.”
“My dad?” Hyunseung raises his eyebrows as Junhyung reaches up and runs his fingers absently down the side of Hyunseung’s face. “My dad’s weird as fuck. He’s probably trying to paint my car orange right now.”
“Like father like son,” Junhyung teases, rolling his head to the side barely fast enough to dodge Hyunseung’s elbow.
Knowing that I can’t have you
Hyunseung wants Junhyung to know that even if the younger man’s family might not want him for who he is-
Hyunseung’s already does.
After waiting alone by myself
He overhears it because he thinks it’d be impossible not to.
Regardless of the thick walls of the offices designed for the heads of departments, standing right next to the door, it’d be impossible not to overhear Doojoon and Hyuna’s voices because it’s Doojoon and Hyuna. It’s Doojoon and Hyuna in Junhyung’s office, and Hyunseung is right in front of it because he has to give Junhyung the files for tomorrow’s meeting.
It’s two against one.
And it becomes pretty clear that Doojoon and Hyuna are winning.
Hyunseung hears everything.
He hears How long are you going to keep this up? He hears Do you know how much this is killing him? He hears If you’re not going to fucking do something, if you’re not going to fucking grow a pair, then at least borrow a pair so you have enough to let him go. He hears thumping sounds, chairs being pushed, hands banging on tables, Hyuna’s heels stomping back and forth. He hears Just because he hides it in front of you, do you think we can’t all see it? Even Dongwoon is fucking hurting from seeing all this shit-but you’re so caught up in hiding that I bet you don’t even know your own assistant director, your dongsaeng, is spending half of his paychecks at a whore club, do you?
He hears Doojoon and Hyuna’s combined shouting stop suddenly-hears a chair being pushed back, the legs sliding against the carpet, the wood knocking against the wall.
He hears Junhyung’s voice.
Get the fuck out. Both of you-right now.
After regretting all alone by myself
“What happens,” Hyunseung asks, lying spread-eagle and naked on the conference room table (because if they spend too many nights at Junhyung’s apartment, the younger man says he’s afraid that they’ll see Hyunseung leave together with him in the mornings), “when your parents make you get married?”
Junhyung is lying on his stomach, right beside Hyunseung, one arm framing the older man’s head like a halo, fingertips stroking mindlessly through his hair. “What d’you mean?” He frowns at Hyunseung. “Of course I’m never-”
Hyunseung’s look alone cuts him off. “I don’t think they’re just going to keep letting you blow off girl after girl forever.”
“I know,” Junhyung says quietly. “But-I can’t-I can’t tell them. They’d cut me off. My apartment, my accounts, this job, everything-it’s all theirs. The only things that are actually mine, the only things I have are what they absolutely couldn’t get me. If they could buy me my high school and college diplomas, they probably would’ve. Everything else-it’s theirs.”
Except it’s not, Hyunseung wants to say. He wants to say that Junhyung is forgetting a few things. He wants to say that Junhyung is forgetting five extremely important things aside from his high school and college diplomas that are very clearly Junhyung’s and not his parents. He wants to say that Junhyung seems to have forgotten about those five little things. Five little things like Doojoon and Hyuna and Yoseob and Dongwoon and Hyunseung.
Hyunseung pulls away slightly, puts space in between their bodies. “So what, then? You’d get married? You’d really marry one of the girls they set you up with?”
In the end my real mistake
Junhyung doesn’t meet his eyes.
He sits up and faces away from Hyunseung, pushing himself off of the table and onto his feet, taking up his clothes and suddenly starting to dress himself.
“It’s not like I have a choice,” Junhyung says quietly.
Was loving you
She’s the heiress of a company that his father’s had an eye on for a few months now. She’s small and sleek with shiny black hair that rests just above her shoulders, bared by a backless dress that scrunches up at the base of her back-right where Junhyung’s hand rests as he introduces her as his new girlfriend to the higher-ups, to the other heads of departments, to his employees.
I must look like such a fool
When the girl is smiling prettily and answering a question asked by one of the trade executives from Japan, while the small crowd of people surrounding Junhyung are talking amongst themselves, while Hyunseung is nursing his umpteenth flute of champagne-his eyes glance up involuntarily and he catches Junhyung looking-catches the younger man’s eyes.
He knows what they’re saying.
He knows they’re saying sorry-knows that Junhyung is apologizing for this like he always does every single time it happens. He knows that Junhyung knows all of this is the younger man’s fault. He knows that Junhyung knows that Hyunseung hurts every time. He knows that Junhyung’s always sorry-always so sorry.
Junhyung doesn't know, however, that sorry is useless.
It’s useless to be sorry when it’s not your even your fault.
I knew I would get hurt and couldn’t let go
It’s not Junhyung’s fault.
Junhyung shouldn’t be sorry-shouldn’t be yelled at by Doojoon and Hyuna-shouldn’t be blamed for Dongwoon’s problems-shouldn’t have to look at Hyunseung like that from across rooms filled with people that only know the younger man when he’s covered up with masks until he’s unrecognizable to the people who really do know him.
It’s Hyunseung’s fault.
All of this-everything-it’s all Hyunseung’s fault. Everything that’s happened between them should be blamed on Hyunseung because Junhyung did nothing. Hyunseung is the one who made all of the mistakes-he should have known better. He should have known better than to make the mistake of thinking, of believing, of hoping, that Junhyung would do any differently for Hyunseung than the younger man had done for all of his past lovers. It was a mistake-Hyunseung’s mistake.
Junhyung was a mistake.
Please forgive this kind of me
Doojoon’s hand rests on Hyunseung’s hip as they make their way down the dimly lit hall-darkened because the dinner party only takes place in one part of the building and after hours, the custodians shut everything else off. Doojoon’s hand is on Hyunseung’s hip, but Hyunseung leads the way to the conference room.
The me who loves you