goodbye summer [exo]
title: goodbye summer
author: himawarixxsandz
rating: pg-13
pairing(s): xiuhun, xiuhan, taohun
summary: i'm sorry that this is a monologue
a/n: welp ;~; i guess i'm in capable of writing anything that isn't xiuhan. i'm also incapable of updating you're here.
Jongin is the one who digs them up one day.
They’re in a box that’s gathering dust underneath Sehun’s bed. He tossed them there when they first moved to an apartment all together as twelve and switched around room arrangements. There haven’t been any new additions so he put the box down there and forgot about it for most of Wolf and Growl promotions-they’re busier than they were with MAMA, and they barely spend any real time sleeping in their bedrooms these days.
But on a rare and treasured off day when Luhan and Kyungsoo are amongst the members who’ve left the dorm to try their luck of not being discovered out and about, Jongin and Sehun are poking around on their laptops in Sehun, Luhan, and Kyungsoo’s room. And while Sehun sits on Kyungsoo’s bed, in the middle of looking through an old classmate’s cyworld, Jongin rolls around on the floor on his stomach, reaching under Sehun’s bed.
“You still have this?” Jongin asks, and his hand emerges from the dusty depths with a cardboard box not much bigger in length than from Sehun’s elbow to the tips of his fingers.
Sehun puts his laptop to the side, swinging his legs off the edge of the bed. He comes to kneel next to Jongin as the other dancer opens the box, tossing the lid away lightly. “Why would I throw it away?”
Jongin shrugs. “Lost it or something, I mean. We’ve moved a lot.” He starts pulling them out, one by one, spreading them out on the floor for both of them to look at. The last one was one that Sehun managed to get with Zitao last year around the time they went as twelve to the states.
Sehun lets Jongin rifle through the ones nearest to the top while Sehun digs to the bottom of the box and finds the ones that he wants to see the most. He won’t admit it out loud, even if there was someone to admit it to, but he wants to test himself. He wants to know if his heart will still squeeze after all this time.
There’re four photos.
Sehun is not one of those lucky idols who gets to go through their trainee period without being cornered in an empty dead-end hall by unhappy and threatening peers. It happens to him often and he knows it’s because they mistake his blank face as arrogance. He’s emotionless even when he receives praise while the others who’ve been here longer than him receive criticism, and he’s isolated sometimes because of that. There are trainees who’re kind to him-Junmyeon always pats his back on a hard day, and Jongin is fast becoming a close friend.
But neither of them is here right now and Sehun knows he’s facing spending another week trying to hide the bruises on his cheeks and stomach. They’ve already kicked him to the floor and his hands have already gone over his head to protect himself when the blows suddenly stop and Sehun looks up to see the other boys bobbing their heads in reluctant bows before scattering quickly. A few linger angrily, glaring down at Sehun and in the direction of whoever’s just intimidated them enough to stop them.
Sehun shakes his hair out of his eyes, pressing at the few bruises that he knows will form from against his arms where the edges of their sneakers had got him. When he looks up, he’s looking into familiar unfamiliar eyes.
Kim Minseok is strange in that he has the same odd, seniority that Junmyeon does only it’s odd for Minseok because he hasn’t been here as long as Junmyeon has. But his rap with the trainers is impeccable and he holds age over a fair amount of trainees’ heads, so Sehun doesn’t wonder why the other boys scattered even though all of them are larger and most likely stronger than Minseok.
“Oh Sehun, right?” Minseok asks, kneeling down next to Sehun. Minseok’s bangs are too long and his hoodie swallows him up, but his gums flash when he smiles wide like that and his eyes dance when Sehun meets his gaze.
The younger boy nods once, blinking, and he wonders if he doesn’t show some sort of happiness and relief on his face at being saved whether Minseok will eventually turn on him too-whether Minseok will feel like Sehun is ungrateful.
But Minseok just dusts Sehun’s shirt off, patting him down along the shoulders and sleeves, and helps him to his feet. “Sehun-ah,” Minseok says, and now he has to look up at Sehun rather than down. The older boy smiles again. “Hungry?”
If Minseok had never told him, Sehun would’ve never noticed that they ride the same subway line to get home after training. Sehun mildly says that, “It’s because you’re tiny, hyung,” and almost wishes he could take it back. Minseok isn’t the same age as or younger than Sehun and Minseok doesn’t know Sehun’s strange way of showing affection the way Jongin does.
But the older boy’s expression hardly even changes. He just kicks Sehun’s foot under the table, and slurps up the rest of the ramyeon hanging off of his chopsticks. Once he swallows, he points at Sehun with his spoon and says, grinning, “Next time, you’re paying.”
They take the subway together for the first time that night, standing next to each other because there aren’t any seats. Minseok purposefully bumps into Sehun all the way through at least two stops before Sehun mercilessly shoves back into Minseok and nearly knocks him into an irate businessman muttering intensely into his Bluetooth. They both silently, mutually decide to stop pushing around then, Minseok burying his smile between Sehun’s shoulder blades and Sehun is glad that he’s in front of Minseok.
He’s glad Minseok can’t see the rare smile that pulls at Sehun’s lips when the older boy leans sleepily against Sehun’s back for the rest of the ride.
Minseok always tells Sehun that the younger boy is a better dancer but Sehun likes the way Minseok dances. There’s something sturdier behind the razor sharp movements that Sehun doesn’t think he himself has. Trainers always tell Sehun that his own movements are sleek while Minseok’s are strong. Sehun thinks so too.
He books a practice room after hours on a night when he’s feeling a little behind, a little lacking, a little not up to par after a group evaluation where this time he was part of the half that received frowns and have you been practicing enough on your own time. Sehun gets through a good two solid hours of dancing before he stops the music because there’s someone knocking on the door. He knows that Jongin has already gone home and Zitao was too sick to come in today, so right on Sehun’s guess, it’s Minseok.
“Hyung,” Sehun says, as Minseok brushes past him into the practice room, “I can’t tonight. I’m staying after.” Sehun would’ve thought Minseok would’ve gone on home long before now anyway. It’s past the time Minseok usually stays even during the older boy’s latest pre-evaluation practices.
Minseok drops his backpack to the floor and follows it down himself, lying spread-eagle in the middle of the room. Sehun steps to him, confused and still panting from the exertion of the past few hours. The older boy still hasn’t got a haircut and his hair has to be swept to the side so they don’t cover his sight. “Sehun-ah,” Minseok says, patting the space next to him. His smile is playful. “Sleep with me.”
Sehun blinks quickly, chewing at his bottom lip as the silence stretches for a moment, breaking only when Minseok gives a short burst of bright laughter. The younger boy hesitates for just another second before he does fold himself next to Minseok, sitting with his legs crisscrossed. “I can’t ride home with you tonight, hyung,” Sehun says again.
“How come?” Minseok tilts his head against the floor.
“I’m falling behind,” Sehun says. “I wasn’t good enough today.”
Minseok holds his gaze for what feels like too long. Sehun’s ears feel warm and he wants to look away, but Minseok’s eyes are round and too familiar beneath the shock of hair that his beanie presses down against his forehead. “Okay,” Minseok says conclusively, sitting up and stretching his arms over his head. Sehun catches a glimpse of a thin strip of skin when Minseok’s t-shirt rides up. “Let’s practice.”
Sehun frowns as Minseok stands up, kicking his backpack against the wall and stretching his legs out. “Aren’t you going home, hyung?” Sehun asks, scrambling to his feet as well.
Minseok playfully spins around, pinching Sehun’s cheek. “Trying to get rid of me?” Minseok grins and tugs at Sehun’s shirt. “C’mon, we have work to do.”
Sehun can tell that Minseok has already just finished his own practice, either by himself or again with Yixing, because of how Minseok’s moves are just that tiny bit less clean and defined. Minseok is already worn out and more than ready to go home, and he should’ve gone home, but he’s here.
Minseok is here with Sehun.
On the subway that night, it’s late enough that there are plenty of seats so Minseok and Sehun take two at the very back where it’s the quietest. Tonight, unlike the other nights, Minseok doesn’t fall asleep on Sehun’s shoulder. Sehun is the one who can’t remember most of the ride. All he remembers is collapsing into the seat beside Minseok’s, taking the earphone that Minseok holds out to him. The music Minseok plays tonight is some OST that’s just been released for one of the dramas the trainees have been following lately whenever it airs and they’re on a dinner break.
It’s a soothing ballad, and Minseok’s body is warm against his. They sit past the seat dividers, pressed close against each other and Sehun feels his eyelids droop as his head falls against Minseok’s shoulder. Sehun has to slump in his seat for it to be a comfortable reach, but he doesn’t mind because Minseok’s hair is soft and ticklish against Sehun’s cheek and Minseok’s arm is a comforting weight in Sehun’s lap.
When Sehun wakes up, bleary and incoherent, it’s because Minseok is poking him in the side gently. “Sehun-ah,” and Minseok’s voice is warm and familiar and amused in Sehun’s ear. “We’re here.”
It’s hard for Sehun to say a lot of things.
Even when he’s comfortable, even when he’s known a person for longer than either of them can remember, even when he likes a person, even if he might love a person, it’s hard for Sehun to say it. He only likes saying things that are absolutely necessary-things that make that person laugh, that’ll make him smile, that’ll make him maybe like Sehun back just as much.
So he puts it off. He tells himself that there’ll be time later-that later will be a better time anyway. He tells himself that he’s still too young to love someone anyway-that just liking someone isn’t worth risking a friendship, isn’t worth losing a hyung.
It’s better to wait, Sehun tells himself.
A month after Sehun decides on someday, the line-up for EXO is announced amongst the trainees and Minseok is put into EXO-M.
Sehun is placed in EXO-K.
The morning that they leave for the airport-as six-to stay in China for more than just a few days, to promote in China, Sehun manages to somehow be alone with Minseok one last time amidst the chaos of the managers getting half the members herded into the van and the other members finishing their goodbyes and good lucks.
Minseok’s arms wrap around Sehun’s waist and Sehun folds his around Minseok’s shoulders. Even after watching him through photoshoots and music video filmings, it’s still strange to hold a slightly slimmer Kim Minseok against him-it’s still strange to see Minseok without the shock of long bangs covering his eyes, without the familiar hood or beanie over his head.
“Hyung,” Sehun says, face pressed down against the top of Minseok’s head. The older boy’s hair still tickles Sehun’s cheek. “Kick ass.”
Minseok presses his palms down on Sehun’s shoulders and squeezes. “Don’t I always?” There’s a final flash of pink gums and tiny teeth, a wave, and then Minseok is being ushered into the van by their manager.
As he watches the van drive away, standing on the sidewalk with the other five members that are left, that he’ll be spending the next few months with, that he’ll be promoting with, Sehun tells himself something different. He sets his jaw resolutely and tells himself when they come back.
It’s not so long until they’re back again as twelve but now everything is different.
They’re idols now. They’re really idols. They’ve performed on stage, they have fans, they’ve done interviews, some of them have done variety. They’re budding, little stars that have just begun to sparkle when held up to the light, and it’s only when EXO-M return from China for the first time and there’s absolutely no time for the reunion movies and dinners that Sehun had in mind that he realizes the chance is gone.
There’s no such thing as when they come back, when Minseok comes back, because it doesn’t matter anymore. They don’t stay as twelve for long, they split again before the month is over, and the times when they are all together, Sehun feels like it just wouldn’t be right to say it now. It’s even worse if he says it now because the chances are higher than ever for something to go wrong, for words to be taken the wrong way, for awkwardness to blossom and then where would they be if the fans they’ve started to gather suspect dissension in the ranks?
So Sehun settles for what he can-for late night conversations under Minseok’s blanket on the last night before EXO-M are off again.
(and minseok looks tired and there are circles under his eyes and he tells sehun in a whisper that even though he’s glad they’ve debuted, he’s glad he can sing and dance, he’s glad for anything in this industry, he wishes just once he could do this all in korean-in korea-wishes he doesn’t need a translator to make his fans laugh, wishes he doesn’t need a translator for his fans to make him smile and sehun isn’t good with words so all he does is hold minseok tighter and closer and saying something would’ve made this all worse so sehun is glad he didn’t but he still wishes he had)
A year later, when they’re all told they’re going to promote together for now, Sehun hears it as for good.
He hears it as what he couldn’t hear before. To Sehun, this means that the other members are back. They’re back, and the Oh Sehun of a year ago would’ve smiled outright at that. He would’ve stopped wondering, would’ve stopped trying to phrase words in his head to come out the right way. He would’ve taken Minseok by the arms and pulled him into an empty room and said Hyung, I like you so much, and regardless of Minseok’s answer, Sehun would’ve been able to breathe because at least now Minseok knows.
Sehun can’t do that now. Not the Oh Sehun of a year later.
Because this is the Kim Minseok of a year later, and this Kim Minseok doesn’t mind if he’s caught being kissed by Luhan in the kitchen before the team’s first dinner together after weeks of being separated. Minseok only turns a little red at the ears, flashing Sehun a grin as Luhan seems to feel content with hiding himself in the refrigerator under the guise of getting a drink.
Sehun just grins back though, and lets Minseok pour him two glasses of lemonade to take back to the living room where Sehun sprawls out on the floor next to Zitao and hands him one of the glasses. This Oh Sehun of a year later doesn’t mind when he sees, out of the corner of his eye, Minseok and Luhan kissing again because this Sehun smiles against Zitao’s lips when he tastes lemons and sugar in the older boy’s mouth.
Two of the photos are messy shots from a trainee who’d brought his camera into the practice room, messing around with it during a break and he’d taken pictures of Minseok and Sehun while Sehun had clung to a sweaty Minseok trying to gulp his entire water bottle down in one go. Minseok had left for the bathroom right after, but Sehun had gotten both pictures from the trainee and snuck them into his backpack before Minseok came back.
The third photo is from that same trainee’s camera, but on a different day-at night-when they were all staying after hours for a group practice session and Minseok had stood on a step, putting him at just a few centimeters above Sehun. It’d just been enough for Minseok to press himself against Sehun’s back, arms around Sehun’s head, cheek to Sehun’s cheek, and snapped the picture like that. When the Polaroid slipped out, Minseok had stuck it to Sehun’s chest and laughed, “So you never forget me.”
The last photo is both of them, faces scrubbed raw with makeup remover, hair damp from a rough shower to get all the gel and hairspray out, and they were wandering the building when a staff member had caught them, pulled them into a conversation and Sehun just happened to notice and mention the Polaroid she was holding-the same one he’d used during a photoshoot with Luhan and Jongin. “Can we use it, noona?” he asked, and Minseok only frowned for a moment, only pouted for that moment about how they both look terrible. It’s Sehun this time who pulls Minseok into a hug and the staff member takes the picture for them, handing the photo to Sehun.
“D’you want it?” Sehun had asked Minseok, only for Minseok to shake his head, nose scrunched up teasingly.
“It’s all yours, Sehun-ah,” and Minseok had linked his fingers with Sehun and pulled him back to where the members were gathered in a practice room.
“Damn,” Jongin rests his chin on Sehun’s shoulder and looks down at the photos in Sehun’s hands. “Those are old.”
Sehun smiles a little, elbowing his friend in the ribs and Jongin recoils, slapping Sehun’s arm for the blow. “These three are-but, this one’s only a year ago, y’know.”
“Feels like forever,” Jongin says, taking them from Sehun and holding them up to his own face. Sehun watches the other boy shuffle through those photos and a few of the others. They hold memories for Jongin too, even though they’re all photos that Sehun has taken or has had someone take for him and saved for himself.
They hear the front door open, the voices of the members who’d gone out fill the apartment again, so Sehun stands up and says, “Put them back when you’re done,” because he knows what it feels like to want to be swept away, just for a few moments, in the past. Jongin looks up, his eyes are still years away-years ago-and he grins at Sehun, a quick thumbs-up.
Minseok is one of the ones who’d gone out, and he’s there, kicking off his shoes and laughing at something Luhan said. He seems to spot Sehun as the maknae steps out of the room and walks down the hallway towards them. Minseok turns in Luhan’s arms and smiles brightly at Sehun, a tiny wave across the living room, and he calls out, “Sehun-ah, I brought you back bubble tea.”
“Where is it?” Sehun asks, blinking when he reaches Minseok because all Minseok is holding right now is Luhan’s hand.
“Zitao has it,” Luhan says, and his eyes are laughing more than Sehun thinks is necessary as arms suddenly tug Sehun in by the waist.
Sehun’s back hits a strong chest, and a cup of frothy, perfection is held right in front of his eyes but he knows that the moment he reaches out for it, the bastard who’s holding him is going to think it’s funny to hold it out of Sehun’s reach. And Sehun could reach, he could jump because Zitao isn’t that much taller, but then he’d risk spilling the tea and Zitao knows that.
“Kiss me and I’ll give it to you,” Zitao laughs in Sehun’s ear.
“Give it to me and I’ll shower with you,” Sehun says, pulling away so that they face each other-so that Sehun can clearly see his bubble tea.
Zitao doesn’t look impressed by the counter-offer. He just brings the bubble tea down, sipping at it and then pressing forward with a tongue lightly dipping into Sehun’s mouth. Sehun can’t help but smile into it because this time, they got him the right flavor. His heart squeezes as Zitao pulls away, after all this time, Sehun’s heart does still squeeze.
(for a different person now, a different reason, and maybe sehun will always wonder what would’ve happened if he hadn’t decided on laters and somedays, but he’s happy now-he’s happy just like this and minseok is happy just like this-so sehun doesn’t mind saying goodbye to midnight subway rides and warm shoulders and ramyeon after hard training sessions because all it means is now he can say hello to kisses under the covers and strong arms and ghost stories in the shower and endless laughter during van rides)
Sehun holds his bubble tea with one hand and Zitao’s hand with his other, and remembers suddenly how one of their managers had kept the camera around after the last time they had to take pictures to give off to their fans. It’s probably still on the kitchen counter. “Hey,” Sehun asks, as Zitao starts spreading the fruits of the outing (clothes, clothes, clothes, shoes, and more clothes) on one of the sofas, “let’s take some pictures later.”
Zitao blinks up, curiosity but not even a hint of surprise because Zitao himself is too odd to ever be surprised by Sehun’s spontaneity. Sehun’s heart gives another squeeze, for good measure, when Zitao’s eyes crinkle into a smile. “Okay.”
author: himawarixxsandz
rating: pg-13
pairing(s): xiuhun, xiuhan, taohun
summary: i'm sorry that this is a monologue
a/n: welp ;~; i guess i'm in capable of writing anything that isn't xiuhan. i'm also incapable of updating you're here.
Jongin is the one who digs them up one day.
They’re in a box that’s gathering dust underneath Sehun’s bed. He tossed them there when they first moved to an apartment all together as twelve and switched around room arrangements. There haven’t been any new additions so he put the box down there and forgot about it for most of Wolf and Growl promotions-they’re busier than they were with MAMA, and they barely spend any real time sleeping in their bedrooms these days.
But on a rare and treasured off day when Luhan and Kyungsoo are amongst the members who’ve left the dorm to try their luck of not being discovered out and about, Jongin and Sehun are poking around on their laptops in Sehun, Luhan, and Kyungsoo’s room. And while Sehun sits on Kyungsoo’s bed, in the middle of looking through an old classmate’s cyworld, Jongin rolls around on the floor on his stomach, reaching under Sehun’s bed.
“You still have this?” Jongin asks, and his hand emerges from the dusty depths with a cardboard box not much bigger in length than from Sehun’s elbow to the tips of his fingers.
Sehun puts his laptop to the side, swinging his legs off the edge of the bed. He comes to kneel next to Jongin as the other dancer opens the box, tossing the lid away lightly. “Why would I throw it away?”
Jongin shrugs. “Lost it or something, I mean. We’ve moved a lot.” He starts pulling them out, one by one, spreading them out on the floor for both of them to look at. The last one was one that Sehun managed to get with Zitao last year around the time they went as twelve to the states.
Sehun lets Jongin rifle through the ones nearest to the top while Sehun digs to the bottom of the box and finds the ones that he wants to see the most. He won’t admit it out loud, even if there was someone to admit it to, but he wants to test himself. He wants to know if his heart will still squeeze after all this time.
There’re four photos.
Sehun is not one of those lucky idols who gets to go through their trainee period without being cornered in an empty dead-end hall by unhappy and threatening peers. It happens to him often and he knows it’s because they mistake his blank face as arrogance. He’s emotionless even when he receives praise while the others who’ve been here longer than him receive criticism, and he’s isolated sometimes because of that. There are trainees who’re kind to him-Junmyeon always pats his back on a hard day, and Jongin is fast becoming a close friend.
But neither of them is here right now and Sehun knows he’s facing spending another week trying to hide the bruises on his cheeks and stomach. They’ve already kicked him to the floor and his hands have already gone over his head to protect himself when the blows suddenly stop and Sehun looks up to see the other boys bobbing their heads in reluctant bows before scattering quickly. A few linger angrily, glaring down at Sehun and in the direction of whoever’s just intimidated them enough to stop them.
Sehun shakes his hair out of his eyes, pressing at the few bruises that he knows will form from against his arms where the edges of their sneakers had got him. When he looks up, he’s looking into familiar unfamiliar eyes.
Kim Minseok is strange in that he has the same odd, seniority that Junmyeon does only it’s odd for Minseok because he hasn’t been here as long as Junmyeon has. But his rap with the trainers is impeccable and he holds age over a fair amount of trainees’ heads, so Sehun doesn’t wonder why the other boys scattered even though all of them are larger and most likely stronger than Minseok.
“Oh Sehun, right?” Minseok asks, kneeling down next to Sehun. Minseok’s bangs are too long and his hoodie swallows him up, but his gums flash when he smiles wide like that and his eyes dance when Sehun meets his gaze.
The younger boy nods once, blinking, and he wonders if he doesn’t show some sort of happiness and relief on his face at being saved whether Minseok will eventually turn on him too-whether Minseok will feel like Sehun is ungrateful.
But Minseok just dusts Sehun’s shirt off, patting him down along the shoulders and sleeves, and helps him to his feet. “Sehun-ah,” Minseok says, and now he has to look up at Sehun rather than down. The older boy smiles again. “Hungry?”
If Minseok had never told him, Sehun would’ve never noticed that they ride the same subway line to get home after training. Sehun mildly says that, “It’s because you’re tiny, hyung,” and almost wishes he could take it back. Minseok isn’t the same age as or younger than Sehun and Minseok doesn’t know Sehun’s strange way of showing affection the way Jongin does.
But the older boy’s expression hardly even changes. He just kicks Sehun’s foot under the table, and slurps up the rest of the ramyeon hanging off of his chopsticks. Once he swallows, he points at Sehun with his spoon and says, grinning, “Next time, you’re paying.”
They take the subway together for the first time that night, standing next to each other because there aren’t any seats. Minseok purposefully bumps into Sehun all the way through at least two stops before Sehun mercilessly shoves back into Minseok and nearly knocks him into an irate businessman muttering intensely into his Bluetooth. They both silently, mutually decide to stop pushing around then, Minseok burying his smile between Sehun’s shoulder blades and Sehun is glad that he’s in front of Minseok.
He’s glad Minseok can’t see the rare smile that pulls at Sehun’s lips when the older boy leans sleepily against Sehun’s back for the rest of the ride.
Minseok always tells Sehun that the younger boy is a better dancer but Sehun likes the way Minseok dances. There’s something sturdier behind the razor sharp movements that Sehun doesn’t think he himself has. Trainers always tell Sehun that his own movements are sleek while Minseok’s are strong. Sehun thinks so too.
He books a practice room after hours on a night when he’s feeling a little behind, a little lacking, a little not up to par after a group evaluation where this time he was part of the half that received frowns and have you been practicing enough on your own time. Sehun gets through a good two solid hours of dancing before he stops the music because there’s someone knocking on the door. He knows that Jongin has already gone home and Zitao was too sick to come in today, so right on Sehun’s guess, it’s Minseok.
“Hyung,” Sehun says, as Minseok brushes past him into the practice room, “I can’t tonight. I’m staying after.” Sehun would’ve thought Minseok would’ve gone on home long before now anyway. It’s past the time Minseok usually stays even during the older boy’s latest pre-evaluation practices.
Minseok drops his backpack to the floor and follows it down himself, lying spread-eagle in the middle of the room. Sehun steps to him, confused and still panting from the exertion of the past few hours. The older boy still hasn’t got a haircut and his hair has to be swept to the side so they don’t cover his sight. “Sehun-ah,” Minseok says, patting the space next to him. His smile is playful. “Sleep with me.”
Sehun blinks quickly, chewing at his bottom lip as the silence stretches for a moment, breaking only when Minseok gives a short burst of bright laughter. The younger boy hesitates for just another second before he does fold himself next to Minseok, sitting with his legs crisscrossed. “I can’t ride home with you tonight, hyung,” Sehun says again.
“How come?” Minseok tilts his head against the floor.
“I’m falling behind,” Sehun says. “I wasn’t good enough today.”
Minseok holds his gaze for what feels like too long. Sehun’s ears feel warm and he wants to look away, but Minseok’s eyes are round and too familiar beneath the shock of hair that his beanie presses down against his forehead. “Okay,” Minseok says conclusively, sitting up and stretching his arms over his head. Sehun catches a glimpse of a thin strip of skin when Minseok’s t-shirt rides up. “Let’s practice.”
Sehun frowns as Minseok stands up, kicking his backpack against the wall and stretching his legs out. “Aren’t you going home, hyung?” Sehun asks, scrambling to his feet as well.
Minseok playfully spins around, pinching Sehun’s cheek. “Trying to get rid of me?” Minseok grins and tugs at Sehun’s shirt. “C’mon, we have work to do.”
Sehun can tell that Minseok has already just finished his own practice, either by himself or again with Yixing, because of how Minseok’s moves are just that tiny bit less clean and defined. Minseok is already worn out and more than ready to go home, and he should’ve gone home, but he’s here.
Minseok is here with Sehun.
On the subway that night, it’s late enough that there are plenty of seats so Minseok and Sehun take two at the very back where it’s the quietest. Tonight, unlike the other nights, Minseok doesn’t fall asleep on Sehun’s shoulder. Sehun is the one who can’t remember most of the ride. All he remembers is collapsing into the seat beside Minseok’s, taking the earphone that Minseok holds out to him. The music Minseok plays tonight is some OST that’s just been released for one of the dramas the trainees have been following lately whenever it airs and they’re on a dinner break.
It’s a soothing ballad, and Minseok’s body is warm against his. They sit past the seat dividers, pressed close against each other and Sehun feels his eyelids droop as his head falls against Minseok’s shoulder. Sehun has to slump in his seat for it to be a comfortable reach, but he doesn’t mind because Minseok’s hair is soft and ticklish against Sehun’s cheek and Minseok’s arm is a comforting weight in Sehun’s lap.
When Sehun wakes up, bleary and incoherent, it’s because Minseok is poking him in the side gently. “Sehun-ah,” and Minseok’s voice is warm and familiar and amused in Sehun’s ear. “We’re here.”
It’s hard for Sehun to say a lot of things.
Even when he’s comfortable, even when he’s known a person for longer than either of them can remember, even when he likes a person, even if he might love a person, it’s hard for Sehun to say it. He only likes saying things that are absolutely necessary-things that make that person laugh, that’ll make him smile, that’ll make him maybe like Sehun back just as much.
So he puts it off. He tells himself that there’ll be time later-that later will be a better time anyway. He tells himself that he’s still too young to love someone anyway-that just liking someone isn’t worth risking a friendship, isn’t worth losing a hyung.
It’s better to wait, Sehun tells himself.
A month after Sehun decides on someday, the line-up for EXO is announced amongst the trainees and Minseok is put into EXO-M.
Sehun is placed in EXO-K.
The morning that they leave for the airport-as six-to stay in China for more than just a few days, to promote in China, Sehun manages to somehow be alone with Minseok one last time amidst the chaos of the managers getting half the members herded into the van and the other members finishing their goodbyes and good lucks.
Minseok’s arms wrap around Sehun’s waist and Sehun folds his around Minseok’s shoulders. Even after watching him through photoshoots and music video filmings, it’s still strange to hold a slightly slimmer Kim Minseok against him-it’s still strange to see Minseok without the shock of long bangs covering his eyes, without the familiar hood or beanie over his head.
“Hyung,” Sehun says, face pressed down against the top of Minseok’s head. The older boy’s hair still tickles Sehun’s cheek. “Kick ass.”
Minseok presses his palms down on Sehun’s shoulders and squeezes. “Don’t I always?” There’s a final flash of pink gums and tiny teeth, a wave, and then Minseok is being ushered into the van by their manager.
As he watches the van drive away, standing on the sidewalk with the other five members that are left, that he’ll be spending the next few months with, that he’ll be promoting with, Sehun tells himself something different. He sets his jaw resolutely and tells himself when they come back.
It’s not so long until they’re back again as twelve but now everything is different.
They’re idols now. They’re really idols. They’ve performed on stage, they have fans, they’ve done interviews, some of them have done variety. They’re budding, little stars that have just begun to sparkle when held up to the light, and it’s only when EXO-M return from China for the first time and there’s absolutely no time for the reunion movies and dinners that Sehun had in mind that he realizes the chance is gone.
There’s no such thing as when they come back, when Minseok comes back, because it doesn’t matter anymore. They don’t stay as twelve for long, they split again before the month is over, and the times when they are all together, Sehun feels like it just wouldn’t be right to say it now. It’s even worse if he says it now because the chances are higher than ever for something to go wrong, for words to be taken the wrong way, for awkwardness to blossom and then where would they be if the fans they’ve started to gather suspect dissension in the ranks?
So Sehun settles for what he can-for late night conversations under Minseok’s blanket on the last night before EXO-M are off again.
(and minseok looks tired and there are circles under his eyes and he tells sehun in a whisper that even though he’s glad they’ve debuted, he’s glad he can sing and dance, he’s glad for anything in this industry, he wishes just once he could do this all in korean-in korea-wishes he doesn’t need a translator to make his fans laugh, wishes he doesn’t need a translator for his fans to make him smile and sehun isn’t good with words so all he does is hold minseok tighter and closer and saying something would’ve made this all worse so sehun is glad he didn’t but he still wishes he had)
A year later, when they’re all told they’re going to promote together for now, Sehun hears it as for good.
He hears it as what he couldn’t hear before. To Sehun, this means that the other members are back. They’re back, and the Oh Sehun of a year ago would’ve smiled outright at that. He would’ve stopped wondering, would’ve stopped trying to phrase words in his head to come out the right way. He would’ve taken Minseok by the arms and pulled him into an empty room and said Hyung, I like you so much, and regardless of Minseok’s answer, Sehun would’ve been able to breathe because at least now Minseok knows.
Sehun can’t do that now. Not the Oh Sehun of a year later.
Because this is the Kim Minseok of a year later, and this Kim Minseok doesn’t mind if he’s caught being kissed by Luhan in the kitchen before the team’s first dinner together after weeks of being separated. Minseok only turns a little red at the ears, flashing Sehun a grin as Luhan seems to feel content with hiding himself in the refrigerator under the guise of getting a drink.
Sehun just grins back though, and lets Minseok pour him two glasses of lemonade to take back to the living room where Sehun sprawls out on the floor next to Zitao and hands him one of the glasses. This Oh Sehun of a year later doesn’t mind when he sees, out of the corner of his eye, Minseok and Luhan kissing again because this Sehun smiles against Zitao’s lips when he tastes lemons and sugar in the older boy’s mouth.
Two of the photos are messy shots from a trainee who’d brought his camera into the practice room, messing around with it during a break and he’d taken pictures of Minseok and Sehun while Sehun had clung to a sweaty Minseok trying to gulp his entire water bottle down in one go. Minseok had left for the bathroom right after, but Sehun had gotten both pictures from the trainee and snuck them into his backpack before Minseok came back.
The third photo is from that same trainee’s camera, but on a different day-at night-when they were all staying after hours for a group practice session and Minseok had stood on a step, putting him at just a few centimeters above Sehun. It’d just been enough for Minseok to press himself against Sehun’s back, arms around Sehun’s head, cheek to Sehun’s cheek, and snapped the picture like that. When the Polaroid slipped out, Minseok had stuck it to Sehun’s chest and laughed, “So you never forget me.”
The last photo is both of them, faces scrubbed raw with makeup remover, hair damp from a rough shower to get all the gel and hairspray out, and they were wandering the building when a staff member had caught them, pulled them into a conversation and Sehun just happened to notice and mention the Polaroid she was holding-the same one he’d used during a photoshoot with Luhan and Jongin. “Can we use it, noona?” he asked, and Minseok only frowned for a moment, only pouted for that moment about how they both look terrible. It’s Sehun this time who pulls Minseok into a hug and the staff member takes the picture for them, handing the photo to Sehun.
“D’you want it?” Sehun had asked Minseok, only for Minseok to shake his head, nose scrunched up teasingly.
“It’s all yours, Sehun-ah,” and Minseok had linked his fingers with Sehun and pulled him back to where the members were gathered in a practice room.
“Damn,” Jongin rests his chin on Sehun’s shoulder and looks down at the photos in Sehun’s hands. “Those are old.”
Sehun smiles a little, elbowing his friend in the ribs and Jongin recoils, slapping Sehun’s arm for the blow. “These three are-but, this one’s only a year ago, y’know.”
“Feels like forever,” Jongin says, taking them from Sehun and holding them up to his own face. Sehun watches the other boy shuffle through those photos and a few of the others. They hold memories for Jongin too, even though they’re all photos that Sehun has taken or has had someone take for him and saved for himself.
They hear the front door open, the voices of the members who’d gone out fill the apartment again, so Sehun stands up and says, “Put them back when you’re done,” because he knows what it feels like to want to be swept away, just for a few moments, in the past. Jongin looks up, his eyes are still years away-years ago-and he grins at Sehun, a quick thumbs-up.
Minseok is one of the ones who’d gone out, and he’s there, kicking off his shoes and laughing at something Luhan said. He seems to spot Sehun as the maknae steps out of the room and walks down the hallway towards them. Minseok turns in Luhan’s arms and smiles brightly at Sehun, a tiny wave across the living room, and he calls out, “Sehun-ah, I brought you back bubble tea.”
“Where is it?” Sehun asks, blinking when he reaches Minseok because all Minseok is holding right now is Luhan’s hand.
“Zitao has it,” Luhan says, and his eyes are laughing more than Sehun thinks is necessary as arms suddenly tug Sehun in by the waist.
Sehun’s back hits a strong chest, and a cup of frothy, perfection is held right in front of his eyes but he knows that the moment he reaches out for it, the bastard who’s holding him is going to think it’s funny to hold it out of Sehun’s reach. And Sehun could reach, he could jump because Zitao isn’t that much taller, but then he’d risk spilling the tea and Zitao knows that.
“Kiss me and I’ll give it to you,” Zitao laughs in Sehun’s ear.
“Give it to me and I’ll shower with you,” Sehun says, pulling away so that they face each other-so that Sehun can clearly see his bubble tea.
Zitao doesn’t look impressed by the counter-offer. He just brings the bubble tea down, sipping at it and then pressing forward with a tongue lightly dipping into Sehun’s mouth. Sehun can’t help but smile into it because this time, they got him the right flavor. His heart squeezes as Zitao pulls away, after all this time, Sehun’s heart does still squeeze.
(for a different person now, a different reason, and maybe sehun will always wonder what would’ve happened if he hadn’t decided on laters and somedays, but he’s happy now-he’s happy just like this and minseok is happy just like this-so sehun doesn’t mind saying goodbye to midnight subway rides and warm shoulders and ramyeon after hard training sessions because all it means is now he can say hello to kisses under the covers and strong arms and ghost stories in the shower and endless laughter during van rides)
Sehun holds his bubble tea with one hand and Zitao’s hand with his other, and remembers suddenly how one of their managers had kept the camera around after the last time they had to take pictures to give off to their fans. It’s probably still on the kitchen counter. “Hey,” Sehun asks, as Zitao starts spreading the fruits of the outing (clothes, clothes, clothes, shoes, and more clothes) on one of the sofas, “let’s take some pictures later.”
Zitao blinks up, curiosity but not even a hint of surprise because Zitao himself is too odd to ever be surprised by Sehun’s spontaneity. Sehun’s heart gives another squeeze, for good measure, when Zitao’s eyes crinkle into a smile. “Okay.”