details IV (thirteen AU drabble)
title: baby don't cry
author: himawarixxsandz
rating: pg-13
pairing(s): banghim
a/n: bc i was listening to baby don't cry by exo after a long time of not hearing it and i just sUDDENLY REALIZED past the little mermaid thing that it's basically exactly yongguk's situation so i was like lemme do something
detail i // detail ii // detail iii // detail iv //
Yongguk knows that Himchan will hate him.
He knows that the sentence could be anywhere from five to ten years because of everything else that’s already on his record. He knows that the sentence could be even longer because of the deal he’s making to make sure that everything else is looked over-that Himchan won’t be involved, won’t be caught, won’t even be kept under suspicion. He knows that, under the infinitesimal chance that he’ll be let out early, there’s an even lesser chance that Himchan would ever take him back.
Yongguk clings to that microscopic hope anyway.
He knows that someone like him isn’t made to be trapped in cement walls, isn’t made to stay still behind bars, isn’t made for rules, isn’t made to behave and listen, but he knows he’ll have to learn if he wants to survive. He knows he’s signing up himself to be broken in a thousand different ways, and if he gets singled out for any reason while he’s inside, he’ll be signed up for a thousand more. Even if he gets through the next few years unnoticed and unharmed, he doesn’t know if he’ll be the same.
(he knows he won’t be the same and Himchan won’t be the same and they won’t be the same and this is it for them-for him-they’re over)
But Yongguk also knows that there’s no other choice.
There are other options laid out in front of him, but the only one he sees is this one.
Because Yongguk knows that once upon a time, Himchan loved a man and a man loved Himchan and that man was faced with the exact same choice Yongguk faces now. Once upon a time, Himchan loved a man who chose his own freedom and security over Himchan’s and still called it love (and Himchan believed him). Once upon a time, Yongguk told Himchan that if either of them were ever faced with the same decision again, they’d choose each other-no betrayals nor sacrifices. They’d go together.
Yongguk knows he’s breaking a promise.
(once upon a time, Yongguk told Himchan that sacrifices were just as bad as betrayals-once upon a time, Yongguk told Himchan that wanting to go to prison for someone just because you loved them was pathetic and meaningless and weak and going together was real love)
Yongguk knows he’s a hypocrite.
He lets the officers throw him onto the ground, hands groping up and down Yongguk’s body to search for weapons. He lets them yank his arms behind his back, face pressed to the floor, as they cuff his wrists and pull him roughly back up to his feet. His rights are being recited quickly into his ear as they walk him downstairs and towards the exit, a flurry of people coming out of their rooms to see what’s happening in the hallway. He hears sirens as they get closer to leaving the building and, inside, Yongguk starts silently praying that Himchan at least has the good sense to watch this from a far enough distance for now.
(once upon a time, Yongguk laughed as Himchan pressed him down against the blankets, morning light streaming through the curtains of their hotel room-and, once upon a time, Yongguk looked up, held a hand against Himchan’s face, and wordlessly promised that he’d never make this man cry)
As they pin him to the car and do a last search down his pockets, the insides of his jacket, his sleeves, cuffs, pant legs, Yongguk turns his head just in time to see a flash of blond peeking out from the crowd. He looks at the same time that Himchan does and their eyes meet. Yongguk doesn’t even want to risk looking for too long (it has nothing to do with how he can’t bear to look for too long-to see betrayal and abandonment and confusion and hurt in that gaze), so he turns away.
Yongguk knows Himchan will cry.
They stuff him into the back of the car and slam the door shut. As the cop of the car gets into the front seat, as his partner gets into the passenger seat, as they turn on the engine, Yongguk leans his head back against the headrest and closes his eyes. He imagines the wetness behind his lids isn’t there-wishes he could close his eyes for the next ten years.
Hold onto my heart tightly
I close my eyes against the sharp moonlight
Even if it’s not me, even if it’s another man
I will trade your love for scars
author: himawarixxsandz
rating: pg-13
pairing(s): banghim
a/n: bc i was listening to baby don't cry by exo after a long time of not hearing it and i just sUDDENLY REALIZED past the little mermaid thing that it's basically exactly yongguk's situation so i was like lemme do something
detail i // detail ii // detail iii // detail iv //
Yongguk knows that Himchan will hate him.
He knows that the sentence could be anywhere from five to ten years because of everything else that’s already on his record. He knows that the sentence could be even longer because of the deal he’s making to make sure that everything else is looked over-that Himchan won’t be involved, won’t be caught, won’t even be kept under suspicion. He knows that, under the infinitesimal chance that he’ll be let out early, there’s an even lesser chance that Himchan would ever take him back.
Yongguk clings to that microscopic hope anyway.
He knows that someone like him isn’t made to be trapped in cement walls, isn’t made to stay still behind bars, isn’t made for rules, isn’t made to behave and listen, but he knows he’ll have to learn if he wants to survive. He knows he’s signing up himself to be broken in a thousand different ways, and if he gets singled out for any reason while he’s inside, he’ll be signed up for a thousand more. Even if he gets through the next few years unnoticed and unharmed, he doesn’t know if he’ll be the same.
(he knows he won’t be the same and Himchan won’t be the same and they won’t be the same and this is it for them-for him-they’re over)
But Yongguk also knows that there’s no other choice.
There are other options laid out in front of him, but the only one he sees is this one.
Because Yongguk knows that once upon a time, Himchan loved a man and a man loved Himchan and that man was faced with the exact same choice Yongguk faces now. Once upon a time, Himchan loved a man who chose his own freedom and security over Himchan’s and still called it love (and Himchan believed him). Once upon a time, Yongguk told Himchan that if either of them were ever faced with the same decision again, they’d choose each other-no betrayals nor sacrifices. They’d go together.
Yongguk knows he’s breaking a promise.
(once upon a time, Yongguk told Himchan that sacrifices were just as bad as betrayals-once upon a time, Yongguk told Himchan that wanting to go to prison for someone just because you loved them was pathetic and meaningless and weak and going together was real love)
Yongguk knows he’s a hypocrite.
He lets the officers throw him onto the ground, hands groping up and down Yongguk’s body to search for weapons. He lets them yank his arms behind his back, face pressed to the floor, as they cuff his wrists and pull him roughly back up to his feet. His rights are being recited quickly into his ear as they walk him downstairs and towards the exit, a flurry of people coming out of their rooms to see what’s happening in the hallway. He hears sirens as they get closer to leaving the building and, inside, Yongguk starts silently praying that Himchan at least has the good sense to watch this from a far enough distance for now.
(once upon a time, Yongguk laughed as Himchan pressed him down against the blankets, morning light streaming through the curtains of their hotel room-and, once upon a time, Yongguk looked up, held a hand against Himchan’s face, and wordlessly promised that he’d never make this man cry)
As they pin him to the car and do a last search down his pockets, the insides of his jacket, his sleeves, cuffs, pant legs, Yongguk turns his head just in time to see a flash of blond peeking out from the crowd. He looks at the same time that Himchan does and their eyes meet. Yongguk doesn’t even want to risk looking for too long (it has nothing to do with how he can’t bear to look for too long-to see betrayal and abandonment and confusion and hurt in that gaze), so he turns away.
Yongguk knows Himchan will cry.
They stuff him into the back of the car and slam the door shut. As the cop of the car gets into the front seat, as his partner gets into the passenger seat, as they turn on the engine, Yongguk leans his head back against the headrest and closes his eyes. He imagines the wetness behind his lids isn’t there-wishes he could close his eyes for the next ten years.
Hold onto my heart tightly
I close my eyes against the sharp moonlight
Even if it’s not me, even if it’s another man
I will trade your love for scars