how do you sleep (exo au oneshot)
title: how do you sleep
author: himawarixxsandz
rating: pg-13
pairing(s): xiuhan, xiuchen, sekai
summary: it's not that he can't fall asleep
a/n: yEAH
6:15 and his eyes open.
He ambles out of bed, yawning with his mind bleary and heavy with memories that’d littered his dreams from the moment he’d fallen asleep up until the ring of his alarm clock. His eyes flicker sleepily to the messages waiting for him on his phone, and a hand reaches out, fingers gliding over the screen as the light flashes at his face-words passing over his eyes. Luhan finishes all of his emails, nearly prepared to start replying, when the date flashes at him a little more brightly than every other day.
“Oh, fuck,” leaves his lips in a whispered grunt.
He tosses the phone back onto the nightstand and stands up to head for the shower.
Seven days until Jongin’s birthday party.
Minseok’s grin is so wide, Luhan thinks the other man’s face might actually break. It’s not outside the realm of possibility. “You work,” Minseok says, legs resting lightly across Luhan’s lap, “in a cake shop. You make designer cakes. You own a cake shop.”
“I mean,” Luhan says, “you just repeated what I said with a different pronoun.” Their fingers are tangled together, arms twined together, and Minseok’s cheek is pressed against the edge of Luhan’s shoulder. A thick blanket lies over their laps and Luhan’s fireplace is roaring in front of them, the TV muted to a dull mumble.
“It’s sad that you don’t appreciate the fact that you own a cake shop and can make cakes.”
Luhan feels an odd laugh tickling the back of his throat, tugging at the corners of his lips. “I like making cakes. I like my shop.”
The sigh Minseok lets out is nothing short of mocking-nothing short of teasing-as he meets Luhan’s gaze with his tongue between his teeth. “You know I love cake, right?”
Luhan snorts. “I know you love food.”
Minseok just grins again and the way his cheeks stretch, the way his gums show, the way his eyes curve, Luhan has no choice but to lean in and kiss that crooked grin. Minseok laughs against Luhan’s mouth and murmurs, “Make me cake.”
Luhan’s hands find Minseok’s hips beneath the blanket, squeezing and pulling their bodies closer. “Are you using me, Kim Minseok?”
“Oh-definitely,” and there’s another smile-softer-before Minseok pulls the blanket over their heads with a wickedly playful laugh.
Junmyeon already has the reports for all of the day’s deliveries on Luhan’s desk when the owner walks into his office. The entire building is in full swing, and the scent of icing and cream is warm and familiar in the air. Luhan checks over the status of their five biggest orders that are to be finished by noon today before he folds up the reports and files them away. His coffee is still steaming hot at the corner of his desk and he supposes that that at least means he isn’t late because Baekhyun always gets the coffees right on time.
The peaceful pretending that Luhan’s indulged himself in lasts all up until he leaves his office and hits the overpass to check on the frosting of one of their wedding orders down below on the baking floor. “You look like you got a great night’s sleep,” Baekhyun remarks, coming to stand next to Luhan. There’s a tub of sky blue fondant in his hand.
“Spare me,” Luhan says.
Baekhyun shrugs. “Junmyeon said he’ll start on Jonginie’s cake on Wednesday because we don’t have the right batter yet. It’s coming in tomorrow.”
“Kid just got into grad school,” Luhan leans on the railing, “so this cake needs to be-”
“-orgasm in his mouth, I got it,” Baekhyun grins. “Did you know Sehunie tried to pay us for the cake yesterday?”
Luhan rolls his eyes, stifling a smile. “Tell him that it’s on us-that dumbass-and if he wants to pay for something so badly, he can pay for my water bills next month.”
“His opening statement for the argument was that he couldn’t possibly let us just give a cake that orgasmic for free.”
“Smack him with a whisk,” Luhan suggests.
Baekhyun laughs.
“You’re staring.” Minseok throws a pillow at Luhan’s face.
Luhan picks it up and takes the few necessary steps to slap it back across Minseok’s head. “You’re not that hot,” he says easily and then promptly tackles Minseok onto the bed.
Except Minseok is that hot, and he’s warm and pliant beneath Luhan’s fingers as they tussle in laughter for a several wordless moments before Luhan settles on his back with Minseok’s thighs on either side of his waist, gripping Luhan’s hips as the other man bears down to press their mouths together.
“You’re pretty enthusiastic, y’know, considering,” Minseok says, breathless and flushed and his hands tug down at the waistband of Luhan’s jeans.
Luhan slips his hands up the sides of Minseok’s body beneath the thin t-shirt. “I like having sex with ugly people,” he smiles brightly. Luhan sits up, bringing their faces mere moments from each other. His hands curls around the back of Minseok’s neck, gripping soft strands of hair.
“So I’m hideous?”
“Completely,” Luhan whispers with a grin that Minseok returns.
It’s not supposed to be a surprise birthday party but Sehun wants as much information to be kept from the birthday boy as possible, meaning that when Luhan has lunch with Jongin on Wednesday, the younger man expectedly tries to pry as much as he can off of Luhan. “Y’know,” Luhan says introspectively as Jongin shovels down scalding hot stew, “if you actually understood the concept of being surprised and didn’t try to sex Sehunie up for every and any piece of info you wanted, then we could actually throw you a surprise party one of these years.”
“I know what color my cake is,” Jongin says smugly around a sip of water. “Only took two blowjobs last night.”
“Better than last time, at least,” Luhan sighs. “Giving away the venue and the catering company for a handjob, though-I’m embarrassed for him.”
Jongin grins. “I just wanted to make sure you guys were going to serve me something good. And that you all picked a place big enough to dance in.”
Luhan shakes his head with a smile. “Kim Jongin, fucking trust us more-really. You’re tearing me apart.”
“I trust you, hyung,” Jongin’s expression is teasingly angelic. “Chanyeol-hyung picking the catering and venue though-” And he raises his eyebrows meaningfully.
“Point taken,” Luhan laughs.
Jongin holds up his glass of water in a playful toast.
Minseok’s hands curl Luhan’s fingers over the small envelope. It’s sealed tightly, just a tiny white thing-nondescript and thin. Luhan’s hand tightens over it as Minseok’s hands pull away from his own. He glances up questioningly and their gazes meet. The dull roar of the hustle and bustle of Incheon Airport surrounds them, and Minseok has to step closer, lips nearly at Luhan’s ear in order to make himself heard without shouting.
“Promise not to read it until after my plane takes off?” Minseok grins and his small hand is perfect and soft on Luhan’s arm.
“I can’t just read it after you go through security?” Luhan blinks.
Minseok adjusts the straps of his backpack, other hand gripping the handle of his suitcase. “It’s too embarrassing for you to read until I’m out of the country,” Minseok says.
“You’re only going to Japan,” Luhan raises his eyebrows. “For two days.”
“So you won’t miss me, Luhan-ah?” Minseok says in the singularly most purposefully irritating voice Luhan has yet to hear come out of the other man’s mouth and he should smack him in the face for it but all that ends up happening is Luhan throwing his arms around Minseok right in the middle of the airport.
Minseok laughs.
“Have fun, eat fifteen bowls of ramen, and then come back, Kim Minseok,” Luhan says, voice muffled against Minseok’s hair. He feels lips pressed against his cheek.
“’Course,” Minseok whispers, and a smile brushes against Luhan’s neck.
Junmyeon has a hold of things back at the shop so Luhan’s lunch with Jongin leaks into Luhan’s dinner with Jongin because neither of them want to leave and the stories simply keep pouring out (and Luhan smugly finally manages to make Jongin’s ears flame red with questions about how he and Sehun are doing together lately). The rice and soup turns to bingsoo and ice cream which gradually turns to alcohol and meat.
In retrospect, they probably could’ve done without the alcohol.
The alcohol is a terrible idea.
“Hyung,” Jongin says, as Luhan presses new slices of meat onto the grill, “I talked to Minseok-hyung yesterday.”
Luhan’s grip tightens on the tongs.
“Hyung,” Jongin says and his voice is quieter now.
“How is he?” Luhan forces himself to ask-forces himself to meet the younger man’s eyes-forces himself to smile.
“He’s good,” and Jongin’s tone is wary, gaze cautious when he looks at Luhan. But they’ve known each other too long and if Jongin can always get information out of Sehun, then Luhan always knows when Jongin is holding back information-particularly when Jongin thinks that Luhan shouldn’t hear some kinds of information.
Luhan flips over the meat and fixes Jongin with a look blasted with knowing intent. “Jongin-ah,” he murmurs, “I’m a big boy-I can take it.”
“Minseok-hyung has a boyfriend,” Jongin whispers.
“He’s bringing him to the party?”
“I could-”
“No,” Luhan cuts him off because he knows what Jongin is about to suggest and it’s a petty idea-it’s just mean and Luhan would rather skip out on the party altogether than resort to that. “Jongin-ah, it’s fine. It’s been over a year-I’m fine.” He offers another smile to the younger man. “I’d be a pretty pathetic hyung if I wasn’t, don’t you think?”
Jongin shakes his head profusely-firmly. “No,” he says, jaw set. “You’d be an amazing hyung who just can’t stop loving another amazing hyung.”
Luhan smiles bitterly.
Luhan-ah, if you’re reading this and my plane hasn’t left yet, I’m fucking tearing you to shreds when you pick me up on Thursday. Your corpse is going to bleed all over baggage claim. But if you actually listened to me for once and my plane already left, then good.
Just looking at this letter, it’s pretty short, right? It’s not supposed to be long. I don’t have that much to say. Just saying the stuff that I can’t say to your face because you’ll be an embarrassing asshole about it and we’d never get anything done because I’ll end up face first into the mattress, okay, my thighs are still sore, jackass.
When I get back from Japan, let’s look at apartments. One with two bathrooms because you always steal my shampoo. And spill it. Do you know how to close a bottle of shampoo? I don’t think you do. Learn to close a bottle of shampoo, Luhan-ah, or that’s the end of all blowjobs for you.
I’m probably going to make fun of you for missing me at the airport tomorrow. Are you really going to, though? Two days, two weeks, two months. Would you miss me all the same amount? It’s only two days but I think I’m going to miss you a lot, Luhan-ah. I don’t know why I’m writing this instead of packing extra socks. I don’t know why I’m not just saying this to you because you’re just in the kitchen making ramen right now.
Anyway. See you in two days.
Asshole
I love you
Luhan still has it.
Tucked away in the top drawer of his nightstand.
The envelope is torn in one corner, crumpled up in another, and the paper of the letter itself is wearing away at the edges. It shouldn’t be that worn out from just a year-it’s that worn out because of how much it’s been read-opened and closed, folded and unfolded, held tightly in trembling fingers, clutched (and cried over).
Tonight, the night before Jongin’s birthday party, Luhan takes it out for the first time in three months (and he thinks it’s an accomplishment that he’s gone that long without looking at it) and reads over the words that he’s long since memorized.
He doesn’t sleep.
Jongin’s birthday cake is a three-tiered, red velvet monstrosity draped in dark blue fondant and lined with silver icing. It’s large and round and Luhan feels like it probably weighs more than Junmyeon and Baekhyun combined which is rather unfortunate since they’re the two that are in charge of lugging it to the venue. Luhan is in charge of opening doors for them while their hands are otherwise preoccupied.
There are already plenty of Jongin’s friends from university milling about, and the music is on full blast by the time they manage to finally get the cake on the proper table in the center of the room. The lights are dimmed and Junmyeon pokes Luhan’s side, gesturing to how the birthday boy is already wrapped around Sehun, both of them grinding to the low bass amongst catcalls and whistles. Luhan rolls his eyes with a grin, as he watches Kyungsoo unwisely try to brave the dance floor in order to get close enough to wish Jongin a happy birthday instead of doing it later during the dinner like Luhan planned to.
“They look like human pretzels,” Baekhyun says, squinting.
“Sexy human pretzels,” Luhan adds.
Baekhyun snorts and claps Luhan on the shoulder before heading to the bar.
The moment Luhan catches Minseok’s gaze across the airport, he swerves around the railing meant to separate the arrivals and sweeps the other man up into a hug that sends them both spinning and crashing into the nearest wall-only narrowly avoiding bumping into any passersby. Minseok’s backpack falls to the floor and the suitcase careens onto its side, wheels squeaking against the ground. People are staring but it registers too dimly in Luhan’s mind for him to care.
“Christ,” Minseok says. “I was only gone for two days.”
Luhan holds the letter up in front of the other man’s faces. “You gave away all your secrets, Kim Minseok,” he smiles.
And an answering smile spreads across Minseok’s own mouth. “Okay,” he says with playful nonchalance, “I missed you too-and now you know it. Did you make me a welcome-back cake?”
Luhan picks the backpack up, handing it over to Minseok and then takes the suitcase in his own hand. They start heading for the airport exit, free hands intertwined and arms brushing as they walk together-side-by-side. “Like you said,” he grins, “you were only gone for two days.”
“So you did make me one,” Minseok says triumphantly.
“Chocolate and cream cheese,” Luhan pinches Minseok’s cheek just to make the other man frown. “Marbled-with butter frosting.”
Once they’re far enough from the throngs of people in the arrivals section-but not close enough to the throngs of people waiting for shuttles and taxis near the exit-Minseok slips his hand out of Luhan’s and pulls him into a corner with both arms up around Luhan’s neck. They’re hidden from view, and Luhan dips his head down, cupping Minseok’s face with his free hand as Minseok tilts his face up for a kiss.
“Home sweet home,” Minseok grins and Luhan puts in another kiss just for good measure.
Luhan is at the bar with Wufan and Baekhyun when Minseok walks in, instantly whirled into a tight hug by Jongin and Sehun. A smile tugs at Luhan’s lips as he watches Minseok laugh and squirm, squeezed in by two towering dongsaengs. The smile tightens just a little when he catches sight of the young man that trailed in beside Minseok, and as soon as Jongin and Sehun step back, the young man holds Minseok’s hand.
“Minseok’s boyfriend is Jongdae?” Wufan says, blinking.
Baekhyun glances over. “You know him?”
“He works on a different floor at the office,” Wufan puts down his glass and leans back against the bar. “He’s a junior associate-he’s a good kid.” Luhan feels a hand wrap comfortingly, warmly, around his wrist and his eyes look up to fall into Wufan’s gaze. The other man’s expression is quiet and concerned-intent and worried.
“I’m okay,” Luhan smiles, “really.”
“They look happy,” Baekhyun says in a tone nearly too low to hear over the thumping music. He’s looking around at everything but Luhan and Luhan just wants to scream in that one moment because he doesn’t need everyone treating him like he’ll shatter spontaneously when he himself is trying so hard to convince himself that he won’t.
He’s okay. He’s fine. He’s happy that Minseok is happy because it’s been a year and it makes sense that the other man has moved on (even if Luhan hasn’t).
Jongdae has an arm around Minseok’s waist as they whisper in a corner of the hall, right on the edge of the dance floor-most likely watching Sehun and Jongin take center stage yet again for the night. Their heads are bent close and low together, and while Luhan can’t catch Jongdae’s expression with how his face is turned but Luhan can clearly see Minseok’s expression-head tilted, pink gums on full display in a wide grin that tugs at his full cheeks and makes his eyes vanish.
“Yeah,” Luhan says, “he looks happy.”
The thing is Luhan has been sleeping lately.
Not as much as he’d like, not as much as he normally would, but he’s sleeping. It’s a far cry from the earlier days when he couldn’t sleep at all-when the pain was nearly crippling and he’d show up to work only to get sent right back home by Junmyeon because none of the employees want to face a red-eyed, hungover boss.
The problem has never been over a matter of falling asleep-it’s the memories that form themselves into dreams once Luhan is asleep. He wouldn’t mind nightmares-he’d embrace nightmares-he could work through and overcome nightmares. But there’s no way for Luhan to overcome dreams so sweet that when he wakes up, he ends up screaming into his pillow at the frustration of realizing that those memories will only ever be dreams.
Those dreams will only ever be memories-dreams that will never be a reality because Luhan no longer has a future with Kim Minseok.
He hugs Luhan-throws his arms around Luhan’s neck and presses his face into Luhan’s shoulder. “Hi,” Minseok breathes, and then pulls back with a smile that steals Luhan’s breath and breaks his heart. Everything about him is the same and different all at once-his hair is a little bit shorter, a little bit lighter, and yet it still shines-still catches the light and makes it dance in between the strands. His smile is still bright, still perfect, but there’s a different tilt to it-a different expression that Luhan isn’t sure how to decipher.
His eyes are still pretty-the way he looks at Luhan with them, though, is so achingly and vastly different that maybe Luhan will shatter right there on the spot (he no longer looks at Luhan like he’s the only person in the room-he looks at Luhan like a friend-he looks at Luhan with a different part of his heart and Luhan feels himself breaking into pieces).
Kim Minseok is still beautiful and Luhan wants to look away and never look away all at once.
“Hi yourself,” Luhan smiles back.
“Ridiculously amazing job, by the way,” Minseok grins, slapping Luhan’s arm. “Passed it on the way in here-on risk of sounding mushy and gross, you actually outdid yourself on this one.”
“It was mostly Junmyeon, though,” Luhan says, unable to hold back a small laugh.
Minseok rolls his eyes. “I’d know the way you ice cakes anywhere, Luhan-ah-and I think I’m actually insulted that you think I don’t know you’d spend nights laboring over a birthday cake for your favorite dongsaeng.”
“Jongin’s not my favorite dongsaeng,” Luhan manages with a straight face.
“Oh, you’re hilarious,” Minseok snorts.
Luhan laughs. “How about your favorite dongsaeng?” And he lets his eyes trail significantly over to where Jongdae is having a drink with Wufan.
“Kyungsoo is my favorite,” Minseok says casually, hands in his pockets. He blinks innocently and now it’s Luhan’s turn to smack his arm until the other man bursts into an admittance of laughter. “Kim Jongdae-Kim Jongdae-okay that’s his name-stop hitting me, Luhan-ah.”
“How is he?” Luhan asks, as Minseok rubs at his arm and glares at Luhan briefly.
“I’m not giving you sex details if that’s what you’re asking,” Minseok says with one raised eyebrow.
Luhan hits him again.
Minseok laughs again. “He’s great,” he says with a smile, eyes meeting Luhan’s gaze head on.
It’s only through sheer force of will that Luhan returns the smile. “Good,” he says softly.
When Minseok comes back after an entire week in Japan, Luhan wears sunglasses to the airport. Minseok manages to rip them off from Luhan’s face once they’re in the car anyhow, and the other man stares until Luhan feels the tips of his ears redden. “Did you-do you have an infection or something?” Minseok squints and starts stretching out the skin all around Luhan’s eyes, poking and prodding until Luhan pushes his hands away.
“Couldn’t sleep,” Luhan says sheepishly.
Minseok blinks. “Oh my God-no.”
“Minseok-ah-”
“Are you-no-seriously?” And there’s laughter lacing Minseok’s voice now as he leans away from Luhan and grins too widely for Luhan’s comfort. He bites his lips for a moment, simply staring at Luhan before the laughter explodes out of him and Luhan resists the urge to bang his own head into the steering wheel.
Luhan takes it in on himself to pull out of the parking lot because he’d rather get home as fast as possible than be stuck enduring Minseok in an enclosed space.
“Aw-that’s cute,” Minseok says once he stops choking on his own breath and rocking all over his seat, shaking with obnoxious laughter. “That’s cute.”
“Unlike you,” Luhan says.
“At least I can sleep when I’m away from you,” Minseok shrugs loftily.
Luhan brakes at the red light and then digs his elbow into Minseok’s side until the other man shouts in pain. “I slept, asshole,” he says. “Just not a whole lot-and the whole damn bed smells like you, did you know that?”
Minseok is quiet for a moment then. When he speaks again, his voice is infinitely more thoughtful-softer-curious. “The hotel bed didn’t smell like you,” he says quietly. “It bothered me.”
“But you slept?” Luhan asks, glancing.
Minseok gives him a small smile. “I’ll sleep better tonight,” he says. “I sleep better with you.”
And Luhan hands the smile back in full. “Glad to know I’m not the only one pining pathetically.”
Minseok kisses him just before the light turns green.
At the end of Jongin’s party, Minseok takes Luhan’s hand and kisses his cheek. “See you around,” he says and smiles meaningfully, looking into Luhan’s eyes. “Take care of yourself-sleep.”
Luhan hugs him, breathing in everything Kim Minseok and closing his eyes as he wraps his arms tight around that familiar body. “Okay,” he whispers.
“I love you,” Minseok says as they draw apart.
“Love you, too,” Luhan murmurs as he watches Minseok walk back to Jongdae.
author: himawarixxsandz
rating: pg-13
pairing(s): xiuhan, xiuchen, sekai
summary: it's not that he can't fall asleep
a/n: yEAH
6:15 and his eyes open.
He ambles out of bed, yawning with his mind bleary and heavy with memories that’d littered his dreams from the moment he’d fallen asleep up until the ring of his alarm clock. His eyes flicker sleepily to the messages waiting for him on his phone, and a hand reaches out, fingers gliding over the screen as the light flashes at his face-words passing over his eyes. Luhan finishes all of his emails, nearly prepared to start replying, when the date flashes at him a little more brightly than every other day.
“Oh, fuck,” leaves his lips in a whispered grunt.
He tosses the phone back onto the nightstand and stands up to head for the shower.
Seven days until Jongin’s birthday party.
Minseok’s grin is so wide, Luhan thinks the other man’s face might actually break. It’s not outside the realm of possibility. “You work,” Minseok says, legs resting lightly across Luhan’s lap, “in a cake shop. You make designer cakes. You own a cake shop.”
“I mean,” Luhan says, “you just repeated what I said with a different pronoun.” Their fingers are tangled together, arms twined together, and Minseok’s cheek is pressed against the edge of Luhan’s shoulder. A thick blanket lies over their laps and Luhan’s fireplace is roaring in front of them, the TV muted to a dull mumble.
“It’s sad that you don’t appreciate the fact that you own a cake shop and can make cakes.”
Luhan feels an odd laugh tickling the back of his throat, tugging at the corners of his lips. “I like making cakes. I like my shop.”
The sigh Minseok lets out is nothing short of mocking-nothing short of teasing-as he meets Luhan’s gaze with his tongue between his teeth. “You know I love cake, right?”
Luhan snorts. “I know you love food.”
Minseok just grins again and the way his cheeks stretch, the way his gums show, the way his eyes curve, Luhan has no choice but to lean in and kiss that crooked grin. Minseok laughs against Luhan’s mouth and murmurs, “Make me cake.”
Luhan’s hands find Minseok’s hips beneath the blanket, squeezing and pulling their bodies closer. “Are you using me, Kim Minseok?”
“Oh-definitely,” and there’s another smile-softer-before Minseok pulls the blanket over their heads with a wickedly playful laugh.
Junmyeon already has the reports for all of the day’s deliveries on Luhan’s desk when the owner walks into his office. The entire building is in full swing, and the scent of icing and cream is warm and familiar in the air. Luhan checks over the status of their five biggest orders that are to be finished by noon today before he folds up the reports and files them away. His coffee is still steaming hot at the corner of his desk and he supposes that that at least means he isn’t late because Baekhyun always gets the coffees right on time.
The peaceful pretending that Luhan’s indulged himself in lasts all up until he leaves his office and hits the overpass to check on the frosting of one of their wedding orders down below on the baking floor. “You look like you got a great night’s sleep,” Baekhyun remarks, coming to stand next to Luhan. There’s a tub of sky blue fondant in his hand.
“Spare me,” Luhan says.
Baekhyun shrugs. “Junmyeon said he’ll start on Jonginie’s cake on Wednesday because we don’t have the right batter yet. It’s coming in tomorrow.”
“Kid just got into grad school,” Luhan leans on the railing, “so this cake needs to be-”
“-orgasm in his mouth, I got it,” Baekhyun grins. “Did you know Sehunie tried to pay us for the cake yesterday?”
Luhan rolls his eyes, stifling a smile. “Tell him that it’s on us-that dumbass-and if he wants to pay for something so badly, he can pay for my water bills next month.”
“His opening statement for the argument was that he couldn’t possibly let us just give a cake that orgasmic for free.”
“Smack him with a whisk,” Luhan suggests.
Baekhyun laughs.
“You’re staring.” Minseok throws a pillow at Luhan’s face.
Luhan picks it up and takes the few necessary steps to slap it back across Minseok’s head. “You’re not that hot,” he says easily and then promptly tackles Minseok onto the bed.
Except Minseok is that hot, and he’s warm and pliant beneath Luhan’s fingers as they tussle in laughter for a several wordless moments before Luhan settles on his back with Minseok’s thighs on either side of his waist, gripping Luhan’s hips as the other man bears down to press their mouths together.
“You’re pretty enthusiastic, y’know, considering,” Minseok says, breathless and flushed and his hands tug down at the waistband of Luhan’s jeans.
Luhan slips his hands up the sides of Minseok’s body beneath the thin t-shirt. “I like having sex with ugly people,” he smiles brightly. Luhan sits up, bringing their faces mere moments from each other. His hands curls around the back of Minseok’s neck, gripping soft strands of hair.
“So I’m hideous?”
“Completely,” Luhan whispers with a grin that Minseok returns.
It’s not supposed to be a surprise birthday party but Sehun wants as much information to be kept from the birthday boy as possible, meaning that when Luhan has lunch with Jongin on Wednesday, the younger man expectedly tries to pry as much as he can off of Luhan. “Y’know,” Luhan says introspectively as Jongin shovels down scalding hot stew, “if you actually understood the concept of being surprised and didn’t try to sex Sehunie up for every and any piece of info you wanted, then we could actually throw you a surprise party one of these years.”
“I know what color my cake is,” Jongin says smugly around a sip of water. “Only took two blowjobs last night.”
“Better than last time, at least,” Luhan sighs. “Giving away the venue and the catering company for a handjob, though-I’m embarrassed for him.”
Jongin grins. “I just wanted to make sure you guys were going to serve me something good. And that you all picked a place big enough to dance in.”
Luhan shakes his head with a smile. “Kim Jongin, fucking trust us more-really. You’re tearing me apart.”
“I trust you, hyung,” Jongin’s expression is teasingly angelic. “Chanyeol-hyung picking the catering and venue though-” And he raises his eyebrows meaningfully.
“Point taken,” Luhan laughs.
Jongin holds up his glass of water in a playful toast.
Minseok’s hands curl Luhan’s fingers over the small envelope. It’s sealed tightly, just a tiny white thing-nondescript and thin. Luhan’s hand tightens over it as Minseok’s hands pull away from his own. He glances up questioningly and their gazes meet. The dull roar of the hustle and bustle of Incheon Airport surrounds them, and Minseok has to step closer, lips nearly at Luhan’s ear in order to make himself heard without shouting.
“Promise not to read it until after my plane takes off?” Minseok grins and his small hand is perfect and soft on Luhan’s arm.
“I can’t just read it after you go through security?” Luhan blinks.
Minseok adjusts the straps of his backpack, other hand gripping the handle of his suitcase. “It’s too embarrassing for you to read until I’m out of the country,” Minseok says.
“You’re only going to Japan,” Luhan raises his eyebrows. “For two days.”
“So you won’t miss me, Luhan-ah?” Minseok says in the singularly most purposefully irritating voice Luhan has yet to hear come out of the other man’s mouth and he should smack him in the face for it but all that ends up happening is Luhan throwing his arms around Minseok right in the middle of the airport.
Minseok laughs.
“Have fun, eat fifteen bowls of ramen, and then come back, Kim Minseok,” Luhan says, voice muffled against Minseok’s hair. He feels lips pressed against his cheek.
“’Course,” Minseok whispers, and a smile brushes against Luhan’s neck.
Junmyeon has a hold of things back at the shop so Luhan’s lunch with Jongin leaks into Luhan’s dinner with Jongin because neither of them want to leave and the stories simply keep pouring out (and Luhan smugly finally manages to make Jongin’s ears flame red with questions about how he and Sehun are doing together lately). The rice and soup turns to bingsoo and ice cream which gradually turns to alcohol and meat.
In retrospect, they probably could’ve done without the alcohol.
The alcohol is a terrible idea.
“Hyung,” Jongin says, as Luhan presses new slices of meat onto the grill, “I talked to Minseok-hyung yesterday.”
Luhan’s grip tightens on the tongs.
“Hyung,” Jongin says and his voice is quieter now.
“How is he?” Luhan forces himself to ask-forces himself to meet the younger man’s eyes-forces himself to smile.
“He’s good,” and Jongin’s tone is wary, gaze cautious when he looks at Luhan. But they’ve known each other too long and if Jongin can always get information out of Sehun, then Luhan always knows when Jongin is holding back information-particularly when Jongin thinks that Luhan shouldn’t hear some kinds of information.
Luhan flips over the meat and fixes Jongin with a look blasted with knowing intent. “Jongin-ah,” he murmurs, “I’m a big boy-I can take it.”
“Minseok-hyung has a boyfriend,” Jongin whispers.
“He’s bringing him to the party?”
“I could-”
“No,” Luhan cuts him off because he knows what Jongin is about to suggest and it’s a petty idea-it’s just mean and Luhan would rather skip out on the party altogether than resort to that. “Jongin-ah, it’s fine. It’s been over a year-I’m fine.” He offers another smile to the younger man. “I’d be a pretty pathetic hyung if I wasn’t, don’t you think?”
Jongin shakes his head profusely-firmly. “No,” he says, jaw set. “You’d be an amazing hyung who just can’t stop loving another amazing hyung.”
Luhan smiles bitterly.
Luhan-ah, if you’re reading this and my plane hasn’t left yet, I’m fucking tearing you to shreds when you pick me up on Thursday. Your corpse is going to bleed all over baggage claim. But if you actually listened to me for once and my plane already left, then good.
Just looking at this letter, it’s pretty short, right? It’s not supposed to be long. I don’t have that much to say. Just saying the stuff that I can’t say to your face because you’ll be an embarrassing asshole about it and we’d never get anything done because I’ll end up face first into the mattress, okay, my thighs are still sore, jackass.
When I get back from Japan, let’s look at apartments. One with two bathrooms because you always steal my shampoo. And spill it. Do you know how to close a bottle of shampoo? I don’t think you do. Learn to close a bottle of shampoo, Luhan-ah, or that’s the end of all blowjobs for you.
I’m probably going to make fun of you for missing me at the airport tomorrow. Are you really going to, though? Two days, two weeks, two months. Would you miss me all the same amount? It’s only two days but I think I’m going to miss you a lot, Luhan-ah. I don’t know why I’m writing this instead of packing extra socks. I don’t know why I’m not just saying this to you because you’re just in the kitchen making ramen right now.
Anyway. See you in two days.
Asshole
I love you
Luhan still has it.
Tucked away in the top drawer of his nightstand.
The envelope is torn in one corner, crumpled up in another, and the paper of the letter itself is wearing away at the edges. It shouldn’t be that worn out from just a year-it’s that worn out because of how much it’s been read-opened and closed, folded and unfolded, held tightly in trembling fingers, clutched (and cried over).
Tonight, the night before Jongin’s birthday party, Luhan takes it out for the first time in three months (and he thinks it’s an accomplishment that he’s gone that long without looking at it) and reads over the words that he’s long since memorized.
He doesn’t sleep.
Jongin’s birthday cake is a three-tiered, red velvet monstrosity draped in dark blue fondant and lined with silver icing. It’s large and round and Luhan feels like it probably weighs more than Junmyeon and Baekhyun combined which is rather unfortunate since they’re the two that are in charge of lugging it to the venue. Luhan is in charge of opening doors for them while their hands are otherwise preoccupied.
There are already plenty of Jongin’s friends from university milling about, and the music is on full blast by the time they manage to finally get the cake on the proper table in the center of the room. The lights are dimmed and Junmyeon pokes Luhan’s side, gesturing to how the birthday boy is already wrapped around Sehun, both of them grinding to the low bass amongst catcalls and whistles. Luhan rolls his eyes with a grin, as he watches Kyungsoo unwisely try to brave the dance floor in order to get close enough to wish Jongin a happy birthday instead of doing it later during the dinner like Luhan planned to.
“They look like human pretzels,” Baekhyun says, squinting.
“Sexy human pretzels,” Luhan adds.
Baekhyun snorts and claps Luhan on the shoulder before heading to the bar.
The moment Luhan catches Minseok’s gaze across the airport, he swerves around the railing meant to separate the arrivals and sweeps the other man up into a hug that sends them both spinning and crashing into the nearest wall-only narrowly avoiding bumping into any passersby. Minseok’s backpack falls to the floor and the suitcase careens onto its side, wheels squeaking against the ground. People are staring but it registers too dimly in Luhan’s mind for him to care.
“Christ,” Minseok says. “I was only gone for two days.”
Luhan holds the letter up in front of the other man’s faces. “You gave away all your secrets, Kim Minseok,” he smiles.
And an answering smile spreads across Minseok’s own mouth. “Okay,” he says with playful nonchalance, “I missed you too-and now you know it. Did you make me a welcome-back cake?”
Luhan picks the backpack up, handing it over to Minseok and then takes the suitcase in his own hand. They start heading for the airport exit, free hands intertwined and arms brushing as they walk together-side-by-side. “Like you said,” he grins, “you were only gone for two days.”
“So you did make me one,” Minseok says triumphantly.
“Chocolate and cream cheese,” Luhan pinches Minseok’s cheek just to make the other man frown. “Marbled-with butter frosting.”
Once they’re far enough from the throngs of people in the arrivals section-but not close enough to the throngs of people waiting for shuttles and taxis near the exit-Minseok slips his hand out of Luhan’s and pulls him into a corner with both arms up around Luhan’s neck. They’re hidden from view, and Luhan dips his head down, cupping Minseok’s face with his free hand as Minseok tilts his face up for a kiss.
“Home sweet home,” Minseok grins and Luhan puts in another kiss just for good measure.
Luhan is at the bar with Wufan and Baekhyun when Minseok walks in, instantly whirled into a tight hug by Jongin and Sehun. A smile tugs at Luhan’s lips as he watches Minseok laugh and squirm, squeezed in by two towering dongsaengs. The smile tightens just a little when he catches sight of the young man that trailed in beside Minseok, and as soon as Jongin and Sehun step back, the young man holds Minseok’s hand.
“Minseok’s boyfriend is Jongdae?” Wufan says, blinking.
Baekhyun glances over. “You know him?”
“He works on a different floor at the office,” Wufan puts down his glass and leans back against the bar. “He’s a junior associate-he’s a good kid.” Luhan feels a hand wrap comfortingly, warmly, around his wrist and his eyes look up to fall into Wufan’s gaze. The other man’s expression is quiet and concerned-intent and worried.
“I’m okay,” Luhan smiles, “really.”
“They look happy,” Baekhyun says in a tone nearly too low to hear over the thumping music. He’s looking around at everything but Luhan and Luhan just wants to scream in that one moment because he doesn’t need everyone treating him like he’ll shatter spontaneously when he himself is trying so hard to convince himself that he won’t.
He’s okay. He’s fine. He’s happy that Minseok is happy because it’s been a year and it makes sense that the other man has moved on (even if Luhan hasn’t).
Jongdae has an arm around Minseok’s waist as they whisper in a corner of the hall, right on the edge of the dance floor-most likely watching Sehun and Jongin take center stage yet again for the night. Their heads are bent close and low together, and while Luhan can’t catch Jongdae’s expression with how his face is turned but Luhan can clearly see Minseok’s expression-head tilted, pink gums on full display in a wide grin that tugs at his full cheeks and makes his eyes vanish.
“Yeah,” Luhan says, “he looks happy.”
The thing is Luhan has been sleeping lately.
Not as much as he’d like, not as much as he normally would, but he’s sleeping. It’s a far cry from the earlier days when he couldn’t sleep at all-when the pain was nearly crippling and he’d show up to work only to get sent right back home by Junmyeon because none of the employees want to face a red-eyed, hungover boss.
The problem has never been over a matter of falling asleep-it’s the memories that form themselves into dreams once Luhan is asleep. He wouldn’t mind nightmares-he’d embrace nightmares-he could work through and overcome nightmares. But there’s no way for Luhan to overcome dreams so sweet that when he wakes up, he ends up screaming into his pillow at the frustration of realizing that those memories will only ever be dreams.
Those dreams will only ever be memories-dreams that will never be a reality because Luhan no longer has a future with Kim Minseok.
He hugs Luhan-throws his arms around Luhan’s neck and presses his face into Luhan’s shoulder. “Hi,” Minseok breathes, and then pulls back with a smile that steals Luhan’s breath and breaks his heart. Everything about him is the same and different all at once-his hair is a little bit shorter, a little bit lighter, and yet it still shines-still catches the light and makes it dance in between the strands. His smile is still bright, still perfect, but there’s a different tilt to it-a different expression that Luhan isn’t sure how to decipher.
His eyes are still pretty-the way he looks at Luhan with them, though, is so achingly and vastly different that maybe Luhan will shatter right there on the spot (he no longer looks at Luhan like he’s the only person in the room-he looks at Luhan like a friend-he looks at Luhan with a different part of his heart and Luhan feels himself breaking into pieces).
Kim Minseok is still beautiful and Luhan wants to look away and never look away all at once.
“Hi yourself,” Luhan smiles back.
“Ridiculously amazing job, by the way,” Minseok grins, slapping Luhan’s arm. “Passed it on the way in here-on risk of sounding mushy and gross, you actually outdid yourself on this one.”
“It was mostly Junmyeon, though,” Luhan says, unable to hold back a small laugh.
Minseok rolls his eyes. “I’d know the way you ice cakes anywhere, Luhan-ah-and I think I’m actually insulted that you think I don’t know you’d spend nights laboring over a birthday cake for your favorite dongsaeng.”
“Jongin’s not my favorite dongsaeng,” Luhan manages with a straight face.
“Oh, you’re hilarious,” Minseok snorts.
Luhan laughs. “How about your favorite dongsaeng?” And he lets his eyes trail significantly over to where Jongdae is having a drink with Wufan.
“Kyungsoo is my favorite,” Minseok says casually, hands in his pockets. He blinks innocently and now it’s Luhan’s turn to smack his arm until the other man bursts into an admittance of laughter. “Kim Jongdae-Kim Jongdae-okay that’s his name-stop hitting me, Luhan-ah.”
“How is he?” Luhan asks, as Minseok rubs at his arm and glares at Luhan briefly.
“I’m not giving you sex details if that’s what you’re asking,” Minseok says with one raised eyebrow.
Luhan hits him again.
Minseok laughs again. “He’s great,” he says with a smile, eyes meeting Luhan’s gaze head on.
It’s only through sheer force of will that Luhan returns the smile. “Good,” he says softly.
When Minseok comes back after an entire week in Japan, Luhan wears sunglasses to the airport. Minseok manages to rip them off from Luhan’s face once they’re in the car anyhow, and the other man stares until Luhan feels the tips of his ears redden. “Did you-do you have an infection or something?” Minseok squints and starts stretching out the skin all around Luhan’s eyes, poking and prodding until Luhan pushes his hands away.
“Couldn’t sleep,” Luhan says sheepishly.
Minseok blinks. “Oh my God-no.”
“Minseok-ah-”
“Are you-no-seriously?” And there’s laughter lacing Minseok’s voice now as he leans away from Luhan and grins too widely for Luhan’s comfort. He bites his lips for a moment, simply staring at Luhan before the laughter explodes out of him and Luhan resists the urge to bang his own head into the steering wheel.
Luhan takes it in on himself to pull out of the parking lot because he’d rather get home as fast as possible than be stuck enduring Minseok in an enclosed space.
“Aw-that’s cute,” Minseok says once he stops choking on his own breath and rocking all over his seat, shaking with obnoxious laughter. “That’s cute.”
“Unlike you,” Luhan says.
“At least I can sleep when I’m away from you,” Minseok shrugs loftily.
Luhan brakes at the red light and then digs his elbow into Minseok’s side until the other man shouts in pain. “I slept, asshole,” he says. “Just not a whole lot-and the whole damn bed smells like you, did you know that?”
Minseok is quiet for a moment then. When he speaks again, his voice is infinitely more thoughtful-softer-curious. “The hotel bed didn’t smell like you,” he says quietly. “It bothered me.”
“But you slept?” Luhan asks, glancing.
Minseok gives him a small smile. “I’ll sleep better tonight,” he says. “I sleep better with you.”
And Luhan hands the smile back in full. “Glad to know I’m not the only one pining pathetically.”
Minseok kisses him just before the light turns green.
At the end of Jongin’s party, Minseok takes Luhan’s hand and kisses his cheek. “See you around,” he says and smiles meaningfully, looking into Luhan’s eyes. “Take care of yourself-sleep.”
Luhan hugs him, breathing in everything Kim Minseok and closing his eyes as he wraps his arms tight around that familiar body. “Okay,” he whispers.
“I love you,” Minseok says as they draw apart.
“Love you, too,” Luhan murmurs as he watches Minseok walk back to Jongdae.