Go (JunSeung AU oneshot - Sequel to I Knew It)
Title: Go
Author: himawarixxsandz
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): JunSeung, DooSeung, mentions of KiWoon
Summary: He doesn't want Junhyung anymore anyway.
A/N: UNGH I HATE JUNSEUNG. I HATE THEM. SO MUCH. T^T I haven't written a oneshot and completed it in a day since, like, summer vacation. It's exhausting but fjdkslf;a it's like Taxi. This is just what happens. I blame Jay's song too because without it I Knew It would've just ended peacefully. Now I have an entirely new AU with a plot for DooSeob too because I always swear that stories that are more than just a drabble/one-time-oneshot will always end happily and with Orig3. And since that's what this has blown up to, I'm going to promise my happy ending and Orig3. You'll see. I'm actually excited because this is a super real storyline. It happens in real life a lot, I'm sure. And I'll try my best to make it that way. SE7EN's Somebody Else is Yoseob's POV for the next story in this series. But for now, help me come up with names for this AU series? LOL, because I need to title the section in my masterlist.
I told you, I’m a bad guy
He thinks you were kidding.
You weren’t.
If I say that you’re the only one for me
You weren’t kidding and at least now he knows that-you know he knows that because you’re not stupid. If you actually wanted to hide, to conceal, from him then you’d do a whole lot fucking better than the half-assed job you’re doing now. You wouldn’t even call what you’re doing a job at all-you’re not even trying. The only semblance of an attempt you’re making is that you’re lying to him. And you almost didn’t even bother to do that.
It’s the first time you’ve ever bothered lying-to him, and to anyone. With past times, if they accused you, you wouldn’t deny it because that’s too much of a hassle-it’s time to move on anyhow. And you wonder why you decide to lie this time-to Junhyung-because he’s not anything special and you’ve already spent too long with him anyhow. You’re getting bored and you’ve been fighting with him lately so there’s no point in trying to prolong the misery.
He’s getting boring.
You’re bored and you want Doojoon now anyway.
That I only look at you-it’s a lie
Hyunseung smiles as Junhyung buries his face against the older man’s neck, arms wrapping around Hyunseung’s waist from the back. “What?” Hyunseung turns as best he can in Junhyung’s arms, against Junhyung’s body.
“You flirt a lot with Dongwoonie and Kikwangie,” Junhyung mumbles.
“Yeah?” Hyunseung asks simply-coolly-smiling and smiling and smiling.
Junhyung spins Hyunseung around to face the younger man. “Yah,” Junhyung says, frowning. “Care, okay?”
“Stop being jealous, okay?” Hyunseung mimics playfully, stroking the side of Junhyung’s face. “If you piss me off, maybe I’ll cheat on you.”
Junhyung rolls his eyes, grinning. “Yeah, yeah-okay, sorry.” He locks his fingers against the arch of Hyunseung’s back, closing in any space left in between their bodies. “Love you, okay?”
Hyunseung just smiles.
Whenever you shed tears, my heart hurts as well
You’re surprised it took this long.
Two whole weeks after the dinner party.
Fourteen whole days of having to live through Junhyung’s ridiculous, moping silences-so miserable that he doesn’t even have the decency to have sex with you (so thank God you’re with Doojoon now, and soon it’ll just be Doojoon and you’ll be out of Junhyung’s door). You don’t even understand why he’s acting like this-why he’s even trying to pretend when you’ve been here and ready to pack your bags at a moment’s notice.
You know that he knows you know with how he looks at you as he trudges forward, kneeling on the floor in front of you while you’re on the couch, typing away at a report that’s due next Monday. He rests one hand lightly against your thigh and you move your laptop to the other side of the couch so you can meet his eyes.
“So we just break up?” he asks quietly.
You shrug.
Let’s just end this love
Junhyung doesn’t know that you when you first met him, first started flirting with him, first started dating him-he doesn’t know that for the first few weeks, you weren’t really fully with him. You split your days into half and half-half with Kwon Jiyoung and half with Junhyung. Junhyung never knew, but Jiyoung did. You let Jiyoung end it when the older man found out because you liked Jiyoung and you thought that you should at least give him that.
Jiyoung ended it a lot faster than Junhyung did.
You found Junhyung because you and Jiyoung were starting to fight and you think that Jiyoung might’ve had someone else on the side too-you were more or less certain (suspicious, disbelieving, doubting) that Jiyoung was probably thinking of breaking up with you, too. You’re just glad that you had Junhyung before Jiyoung could show up with someone else and make you the loser in the game.
You know that when the fights start to happen, it means something’s gone missing-something’s been lost-and it’s time to start over. That’s why you found Doojoon, after all-because you and Junhyung have started to fight and you don’t want to end things like that-you don’t want to end because of unsolvable problems and differences that can’t be overcome. You’d rather end because you decide to change your mind-because you decide not to love Junhyung anymore.
You’re just glad that Doojoon is easy to convince (that no, he’s not breaking up a happy relationship-no, of course he’s not hurting Junhyung because Junhyung’s hurt Hyunseung-lies and lies and lies-but Hyunseung does like Doojoon so it’s sort of justifiable, right? And Doojoon is happy and that makes it kind of okay, doesn’t it?)
Just erase my existence from your head
“Hyunseung-ah,” his voice hurts, and his hands hurt even more with how tightly they’re gripping your arms. “Can you please at least fucking answer me?”
You merely look at him. “I did,” you say. “You can break up with me if you want, and if you don’t want to then you don’t have to.”
“That’s not a fucking answer,” he says in frustration (in anger and you hope he just gets angrier and angrier-he’s supposed to be mad at you so you hope he gets furious, starts shouting at you, throws things at you), and shakes you. “You already fucking cheated on me, you-”
You push him away, rip yourself out of his grasp. “Don’t fucking say that I at least owe you whatever the shit you think I owe you. Because I don’t owe you fucking anything.”
He falls silent.
“If you want me to go,” you reach over to close your laptop, “then tell me and I’ll start packing up.” You watch as he turns his eyes downward towards the floor, body going limp as he falls backward slightly and sits down on the floor, arms resting on his knees.
“Where’re you going to go?” he asks without looking at you.
“Where do you think?” you reply.
If you want to be happy, there’s no other way
Hyunseung stares, breath visibly puffing out in front of him from the icy winter air. His eyes almost sting with how cold it is outside but his eyelids stretch regardless-surprise coats his face regardless. “Oh my God,” he says, as Junhyung retakes Hyunseung’s hand and leads the younger man closer to the center.
There are fairy lights everywhere, hanging from every corner of the rooftop walls, intertwined between the leaves of the plants, all around the evergreens. The snow crunches beneath them as Junhyung pulls Hyunseung towards the carefully crafted snowman at the center of the rooftop garden. The lights from the city below make everything infinitely brighter, penetrating the winter night’s darkness.
The snowman is holding something-something taped to the branches that make up its arms. Hyunseung looks at Junhyung quizzically before the younger man grins and pushes Hyunseung forward to take the large folded piece of paper that the snowman has hanging from its wooden hand. Hyunseung takes it into his own gloved hands, unfolding it carefully.
“Oh my God,” he repeats and his head whips towards Junhyung-staring once again with eyes so wide that the winter wind starts to sting. “Oh my God-I-you-how?”
I’m sorry-I’m a bit realistic
The poster is limited edition, signed by a crew of choreographers that rarely ever do tours outside of their home country-rarely ever come to Korea (if Hyunseung remembers right, this is their first time in Korea and he has no idea if they’ll ever come back), and Hyunseung couldn’t go to their one and only performance because he had a meeting that night.
He thought Junhyung had a meeting too, but-
Apparently, he didn’t.
“I got Kikwangie to sneak me in,” he says, sheepishly, “and kind of winged it the best I could from there. Honestly, I thought I was going to go to jail or something because the security guards kept fucking staring at me.”
Hyunseung can’t stop staring at the poster. He looks up just long enough to blink at Junhyung and at everything surrounding them. “What’s with the lights and the snowman and stuff though?”
Junhyung shrugs, looking even more sheepish and doesn’t meet Hyunseung’s eyes (the younger man’s ears turn red and Hyunseung isn’t sure it’s completely from the cold). “Fuck if I know,” he says determinedly looking past Hyunseung’s head.
Hyunseung steps forward, steps closer, wrapping his arms around Junhyung’s neck and pressing their cold lips together (not so cold anymore once he feels Junhyung’s tongue against his own). “Thanks,” Hyunseung says softly.
Don’t be a fool-a dream-like love can turn into a nightmare
You fold your clothes neatly, slowly, taking your time because there’s no point in rushing-you might crease something if you rush and then it’ll be a bitch to have to iron it back out for work. Your eyes fall to the side as your phone vibrates on the bed-Doojoon is texting you, asking if you’re coming over tonight. You bite back the smile and put the shirt that you just finished folding down in your suitcase, unlocking your phone to reply.
Really-it’s not like Doojoon is any better than Junhyung-there’s nothing to compare just like there was nothing to compare when it was Jiyoung and Junhyung, nothing to compare when it was Jiyoung and Seunghyun, nothing to compare when it was Seunghyun and Kikwang. It’s not that one is better than the other all of a sudden-they’re all different and that’s all there is. Doojoon is Doojoon and Junhyung and Junhyung and Hyunseung just doesn’t want Junhyung anymore.
And you’re still friends with Kikwang to this day, aren’t you?
Junhyung should get over himself if he wants to be one of the few that you keep (but you doubt it because Kikwang is different-you knew Kikwang and he knew you before you dragged him into this mess-he’s the only one out of all of them that you actually broke up with before finding someone else because you love Kikwang in a way that’s different-Kikwang is your brother before he was ever your lover).
(You’re glad he has Dongwoon now)
Nothing lasts forever-our story is only up until here
Hyunseung’s eyebrows knit together as he looks up at Doojoon, leaning back against the older man’s chest as they both lay naked beneath the sheets of Doojoon’s bed. “You don’t care?” he asks, confused.
Doojoon smiles faintly. “I mean,” he shrugs, squeezing Hyunseung’s shoulder lightly, “I like you, right? And you’re telling me that he’s a bastard, but if you decided to go out with him in the first place, he can’t be that much of a bastard. I-I don’t know,” he says, starting to sound as confused as Hyunseung is, “just-I guess-I’ll wait, y’know? If you still love him, then you still love him, and I don’t mind waiting.”
“How do you know how much of a bastard he is or isn’t?” Hyunseung narrows his eyes. “You’ve never met him.”
Doojoon raises his eyebrows-that same smile that’s starting to irritate Hyunseung just a bit (a smile that he doesn’t know how to describe other than Yoon Doojoon-only Doojoon has smiles like that-a little mysterious and infuriating like he knows something Hyunseung doesn’t and refuses to tell). “But I’ve met you,” he says. “And I know you wouldn’t stick around and take bullshit from a bastard that pisses you off.”
Hyunseung looks at him. “So?”
“You wouldn’t stick around if you didn’t think he was good enough-in one way or another,” Doojoon says (smiles again). “Right?”
You always cry because of me
Wrong.
I only gave you scars
Junhyung comes in to watch you pack. He sits on the edge of the bed as you kneel in the closet doorway, taking things down from the shelves and hangers. You feel his eyes on your back but you’re used to it-they always watch you pack-as if somehow it’ll change your mind, make you apologize and cry in their arms, as if you’ll suddenly realize all of this is a mistake, as if you’re a toddler who doesn’t know any better than to take someone else’s cookies.
They’re wrong.
Because you do know better.
You know that what you’re doing right now-what you’ve always done-is wrong and terrible and disgusting and inhuman. You know that you’re being a bastard, an asshole, a jackass-bad and horrible and cruel. You know that you’re hurting him-you know how much he’s hurting inside, how much he’s breaking, how much he’s bleeding, how much he’s bruising, how much he’s being cut and crushed.
That’s why you’re packing.
I only made your heart ache
Right?
That’s why you’re doing this anyway-that’s always why you do this, every single time. You do this because they’re always too good for you and you always end up breaking their hearts because you get bored-because you want someone else, because you hate fights and arguments and periods of time when they’re angry at you. You hate having problems-you hate hating the people you love, so you stop loving them and start loving new people.
Right?
That’s what you’re supposed to do, isn’t it?
If you love someone, you’re not supposed to have fights and problems and arguments and issues-you’re not supposed to be irritated with them, angry with them, frustrated with them, upset with them. When those sorts of feelings start, when the arguments start to happen, that’s when you know it’s time to move on and find someone new.
So just leave me
Junhyung can’t be happy if he’s with you.
So you won’t be with him anymore.
I won’t hold on-don’t hold onto me either
Junhyung reels from the force of the book that hits his chest, dropping with a loud thud to the wooden floor of the apartment. He kicks it to the side and harshly steps forward, shoving at Hyunseung’s shoulder. “What the fuck?” the younger man snaps. “It’s your-”
“Shut up,” Hyunseung shouts. “You’re the one who fucking moved my report thumb drive so now I don’t know where it is and I have a presentation-”
“I’ve been telling you for three weeks, every fucking day, to clean up-”
Hyunseung pushes violently at Junhyung, nearly punching the younger man in the stomach. “Fuck you-you’re not going to blame me when you’re the fucking bastard who messed around with my-”
“I told-”
“I don’t care what the fuck you told me,” Hyunseung says furiously, “and don’t you fucking interrupt me when I’m fucking trying to tell you that you don’t touch my work-”
“Hyunseung-ah,” Junhyung shouts. “Jang Hyunseung-fucking listen to me-” He grabs Hyunseung’s wrists in either hand, pinning the older man to the closest wall, pinning their bodies together and closing the distance until their faces are inches apart. “Fucking listen-”
“No, you fucking listen,” Hyunseung snarls softly (dangerously), breath ghosting up against the younger man’s lips. Junhyung suddenly falls silent, eyes stretching, body stiffening. “If you don’t shut the fuck up about whatever shit you told me to clean up and find my fucking thumb drive with the motherfucking presentation on it that I have to give tomorrow, I’m walking out the door and you’re never seeing me again, Yong Junhyung.”
I can’t care for you
Seventy-two hours.
That’s how long you’d worked on that presentation-hardly any sleep in between, hardly any food in between, and you tried your best to hide those two facts from Junhyung (pretending to eat and pretending to sleep, only to go back and work on it once the younger man was asleep).
But you know that that has nothing to do with how you treated Junhyung.
And that’s just one example-a single instance out of far too many.
(Because you very well know that Junhyung had told you patiently and hesitantly every day to clean your things out of the living room since Junhyung had to fix the coffee table sometime soon-you just decided not to listen because you’re you and Junhyung doesn’t deserve to have to put up with someone like you)
Junhyung is just like Jiyong and Seunghyun and Kikwang.
He deserves someone far better than you will ever be.
I can’t protect you
Doojoon doesn’t deserve someone like you either-deserves better.
But you’re a terrible person, so for now, you’re going to be with Doojoon and he’s going to go through the same terrible illusion that all of the others before him did.
The illusion that you always put on-the illusion that makes them believe you’re worth loving.
Why don’t you know that you can only be happy if we’re apart?
You frown, teeth digging into your lower lip as you try again and again to pull back the zipper to the second compartment in your suitcase. It worked perfectly fine just minutes ago when you closed it because you thought you’d finished putting in all of your work shirts-but there was still one that you just found on a shelf that should’ve been just for your sweatpants and sweatshirts.
You sit back against your heels and sigh, wondering if maybe you should just put all of your shit into the same compartment since it’s not going to make a difference when you unpack anyway. It just might be more irritating to have to decipher what’s what and sort them all out again because you hate having to look for clothes when you wake up in the morning. You lick your lips and glare at the zipper one more time before pushing-
His elbow bumps against yours.
You stare.
Junhyung doesn’t say anything-doesn’t even look at you-simply starts working on the zipper as he kneels beside you on the other side of the suitcase.
I’m a bad guy who can’t be satisfied with you alone
“You don’t have to do that,” you say (you hate how dumbfounded you sound).
His hands pause, but he still doesn’t look at you as he says-quietly, “I don’t mind.”
You don’t know what to say to that-you don’t know how you’re supposed to respond and even if you did, you’re not sure you’re capable of doing anything but sitting absolutely as still as possible. If you move, you might worsen the pain that’s shooting through your chest all of a sudden.
(There shouldn’t be any pain because there was never pain before and Junhyung isn’t any different than the other anyhow-in a few hours, he’ll be another one of the others and you’ll be with Doojoon)
I hate myself too
Doojoon frowns. “You’re bringing him to the dinner party?” he asks. “To meet me? Don’t you think that’s kind of-”
“He’s been even more of a bastard lately, okay?” Hyunseung cuts the other man off coolly, rearranging his hair in the window’s reflection as Doojoon finishes re-suiting himself up. The door to the conference room is locked and Hyunseung’s belt is still on the table. “Besides, I thought you wanted to see what he looks like.”
Doojoon blinks, frowning even further. “I mean-I do-but, damn-”
Hyunseung holds the back of Doojoon’s neck and brings their lips together, cutting the older man off as Hyunseung presses up against Doojoon.
No matter how much you beg, it’s over
He finishes fixing the zipper, zipping it back and forth a few times to make sure, before he lets go and pushes the suitcase back towards you. Junhyung stands up and walks out of the bedroom wordlessly.
You watch him leave, watch as he goes to the kitchen, elbows on the counter and head in his hands.
Your eyes fall back to the suitcase-to all the clothes neatly folded inside of it (Junhyung was the one who taught you how to fold a shirt so tightly that you wouldn’t have to iron it-he was the one who nagged you to the point where keeping your clothes neat and organized is now a habit that lets you sleep in at least fifteen more minutes instead of trying to find everything in the morning). You stare at the clothes that are still around you and halfway out of the shelves.
For a split second, you have the urge to take everything out of the suitcase and put it all back.
Love is only something that you can see on TV
Maybe it’ll be for the better if Junhyung is one of the ones that you cut off all contact with after you walk out his door. It’ll be hard because he’s Dongwoon’s best friends, and Dongwoon is with Kikwang and you’re never letting go of Kikwang because he’s your best friend.
But you could probably manage it.
It’ll be better for you and it’ll be better for Junhyung.
So I’m sorry, but this is all for you
You’re almost finished with your other belongings-clothes were finished about half an hour ago and now you’re zipping up the suitcase with everything else-toothbrush, hairbrush, cologne, shoes, hats, scarves, gloves, laptop, books, CDs-just everything else. You’ve finished putting in the DVDs of your favorite choreographers and performers, and you’re about to put in the case for your thumb drives into that suitcase too when Junhyung rushes up to you from inside the bedroom (because you’d relocated a while ago to the living room to move all of your CDs and DVDs).
He slides down next to you on the carpet and holds a large folded piece of paper out-a little bit wrinkled at the edges and worn. You squint at it for a moment-a short moment because it’s something that you don’t have to look at for very long at all to know what it is. You look back up to him. “You keep it,” you say. “You got it and you actually like them too, don’t you?”
“It’s yours,” he says quietly (why won’t he look at you?). “I only like them because you showed them to me-because you danced for me and-I-yeah. It’s yours.”
You frown. “But-”
“Keep it,” he says softly, and hesitantly slips it along the side of the inside of your suitcase.
Don’t ever appear before me again
You run your fingers along the folded edge of the poster and close your eyes.
(You’re glad that he’s back in the kitchen and you’re not facing in his direction because you don’t want him to see your expression)
I love you so much, but you’re toxic to my life
One suitcase is slung across your shoulder and against your back, and another in your left hand. The one in your left hand rolls along the floor as you head for the door, coat zipped, gloves on, hat and scarf on, and car keys jingling in your pocket (phone in your other pocket, with texts from Doojoon waiting).
Junhyung is standing in the doorway, holding the door open for you with his foot. (He still won’t look at you)
You stand in front of him for a moment, wondering if you should just leave without saying anything (since he’s not looking at you anyway-refuses to, apparently).
I don’t need you anymore
You don’t know what makes you do it-what makes you decide after all.
You don’t know why you suddenly reach up, with your free hand, to touch his face and force his eyes to meet yours.
Nothing comes as a surprise really-you don’t find anything in his expression, in his gaze, that surprises you-that strikes you unexpectedly. Everything you knew would be there is there-there’s the hurt, the anguish, the pain, the heartache, the heartbreak, the anger, the sorrow, the confusion-everything. It’s all there.
Nothing you see surprises you.
The fact that you feel something (all of it-hurt, anguish, pain, heartache, heartbreak, anger, sorrow, confusion-everything), the fact that you feel everything he’s reflecting in his eyes is what surprises you.
(But it’s too late now)
It’s because Junhyung deserves better-so much better.
(It’s because you’re scared that you’d let him down-it’s because you know that you’re not an easy person to deal with and you don’t want him to fall out of love with you-so you’ll end it before he will)
You can’t have me-my heart hurts as well
You do something that you’ve never done with any of the others-not even Kikwang.
You lean up to kiss him-a kiss that barely lasts for a few seconds, just a press of lips against lips. “I’m sorry,” you whisper against his mouth before you draw away.
You don’t look back as you head for the elevator.
So, baby, just go
Author: himawarixxsandz
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): JunSeung, DooSeung, mentions of KiWoon
Summary: He doesn't want Junhyung anymore anyway.
A/N: UNGH I HATE JUNSEUNG. I HATE THEM. SO MUCH. T^T I haven't written a oneshot and completed it in a day since, like, summer vacation. It's exhausting but fjdkslf;a it's like Taxi. This is just what happens. I blame Jay's song too because without it I Knew It would've just ended peacefully. Now I have an entirely new AU with a plot for DooSeob too because I always swear that stories that are more than just a drabble/one-time-oneshot will always end happily and with Orig3. And since that's what this has blown up to, I'm going to promise my happy ending and Orig3. You'll see. I'm actually excited because this is a super real storyline. It happens in real life a lot, I'm sure. And I'll try my best to make it that way. SE7EN's Somebody Else is Yoseob's POV for the next story in this series. But for now, help me come up with names for this AU series? LOL, because I need to title the section in my masterlist.
I told you, I’m a bad guy
He thinks you were kidding.
You weren’t.
If I say that you’re the only one for me
You weren’t kidding and at least now he knows that-you know he knows that because you’re not stupid. If you actually wanted to hide, to conceal, from him then you’d do a whole lot fucking better than the half-assed job you’re doing now. You wouldn’t even call what you’re doing a job at all-you’re not even trying. The only semblance of an attempt you’re making is that you’re lying to him. And you almost didn’t even bother to do that.
It’s the first time you’ve ever bothered lying-to him, and to anyone. With past times, if they accused you, you wouldn’t deny it because that’s too much of a hassle-it’s time to move on anyhow. And you wonder why you decide to lie this time-to Junhyung-because he’s not anything special and you’ve already spent too long with him anyhow. You’re getting bored and you’ve been fighting with him lately so there’s no point in trying to prolong the misery.
He’s getting boring.
You’re bored and you want Doojoon now anyway.
That I only look at you-it’s a lie
Hyunseung smiles as Junhyung buries his face against the older man’s neck, arms wrapping around Hyunseung’s waist from the back. “What?” Hyunseung turns as best he can in Junhyung’s arms, against Junhyung’s body.
“You flirt a lot with Dongwoonie and Kikwangie,” Junhyung mumbles.
“Yeah?” Hyunseung asks simply-coolly-smiling and smiling and smiling.
Junhyung spins Hyunseung around to face the younger man. “Yah,” Junhyung says, frowning. “Care, okay?”
“Stop being jealous, okay?” Hyunseung mimics playfully, stroking the side of Junhyung’s face. “If you piss me off, maybe I’ll cheat on you.”
Junhyung rolls his eyes, grinning. “Yeah, yeah-okay, sorry.” He locks his fingers against the arch of Hyunseung’s back, closing in any space left in between their bodies. “Love you, okay?”
Hyunseung just smiles.
Whenever you shed tears, my heart hurts as well
You’re surprised it took this long.
Two whole weeks after the dinner party.
Fourteen whole days of having to live through Junhyung’s ridiculous, moping silences-so miserable that he doesn’t even have the decency to have sex with you (so thank God you’re with Doojoon now, and soon it’ll just be Doojoon and you’ll be out of Junhyung’s door). You don’t even understand why he’s acting like this-why he’s even trying to pretend when you’ve been here and ready to pack your bags at a moment’s notice.
You know that he knows you know with how he looks at you as he trudges forward, kneeling on the floor in front of you while you’re on the couch, typing away at a report that’s due next Monday. He rests one hand lightly against your thigh and you move your laptop to the other side of the couch so you can meet his eyes.
“So we just break up?” he asks quietly.
You shrug.
Let’s just end this love
Junhyung doesn’t know that you when you first met him, first started flirting with him, first started dating him-he doesn’t know that for the first few weeks, you weren’t really fully with him. You split your days into half and half-half with Kwon Jiyoung and half with Junhyung. Junhyung never knew, but Jiyoung did. You let Jiyoung end it when the older man found out because you liked Jiyoung and you thought that you should at least give him that.
Jiyoung ended it a lot faster than Junhyung did.
You found Junhyung because you and Jiyoung were starting to fight and you think that Jiyoung might’ve had someone else on the side too-you were more or less certain (suspicious, disbelieving, doubting) that Jiyoung was probably thinking of breaking up with you, too. You’re just glad that you had Junhyung before Jiyoung could show up with someone else and make you the loser in the game.
You know that when the fights start to happen, it means something’s gone missing-something’s been lost-and it’s time to start over. That’s why you found Doojoon, after all-because you and Junhyung have started to fight and you don’t want to end things like that-you don’t want to end because of unsolvable problems and differences that can’t be overcome. You’d rather end because you decide to change your mind-because you decide not to love Junhyung anymore.
You’re just glad that Doojoon is easy to convince (that no, he’s not breaking up a happy relationship-no, of course he’s not hurting Junhyung because Junhyung’s hurt Hyunseung-lies and lies and lies-but Hyunseung does like Doojoon so it’s sort of justifiable, right? And Doojoon is happy and that makes it kind of okay, doesn’t it?)
Just erase my existence from your head
“Hyunseung-ah,” his voice hurts, and his hands hurt even more with how tightly they’re gripping your arms. “Can you please at least fucking answer me?”
You merely look at him. “I did,” you say. “You can break up with me if you want, and if you don’t want to then you don’t have to.”
“That’s not a fucking answer,” he says in frustration (in anger and you hope he just gets angrier and angrier-he’s supposed to be mad at you so you hope he gets furious, starts shouting at you, throws things at you), and shakes you. “You already fucking cheated on me, you-”
You push him away, rip yourself out of his grasp. “Don’t fucking say that I at least owe you whatever the shit you think I owe you. Because I don’t owe you fucking anything.”
He falls silent.
“If you want me to go,” you reach over to close your laptop, “then tell me and I’ll start packing up.” You watch as he turns his eyes downward towards the floor, body going limp as he falls backward slightly and sits down on the floor, arms resting on his knees.
“Where’re you going to go?” he asks without looking at you.
“Where do you think?” you reply.
If you want to be happy, there’s no other way
Hyunseung stares, breath visibly puffing out in front of him from the icy winter air. His eyes almost sting with how cold it is outside but his eyelids stretch regardless-surprise coats his face regardless. “Oh my God,” he says, as Junhyung retakes Hyunseung’s hand and leads the younger man closer to the center.
There are fairy lights everywhere, hanging from every corner of the rooftop walls, intertwined between the leaves of the plants, all around the evergreens. The snow crunches beneath them as Junhyung pulls Hyunseung towards the carefully crafted snowman at the center of the rooftop garden. The lights from the city below make everything infinitely brighter, penetrating the winter night’s darkness.
The snowman is holding something-something taped to the branches that make up its arms. Hyunseung looks at Junhyung quizzically before the younger man grins and pushes Hyunseung forward to take the large folded piece of paper that the snowman has hanging from its wooden hand. Hyunseung takes it into his own gloved hands, unfolding it carefully.
“Oh my God,” he repeats and his head whips towards Junhyung-staring once again with eyes so wide that the winter wind starts to sting. “Oh my God-I-you-how?”
I’m sorry-I’m a bit realistic
The poster is limited edition, signed by a crew of choreographers that rarely ever do tours outside of their home country-rarely ever come to Korea (if Hyunseung remembers right, this is their first time in Korea and he has no idea if they’ll ever come back), and Hyunseung couldn’t go to their one and only performance because he had a meeting that night.
He thought Junhyung had a meeting too, but-
Apparently, he didn’t.
“I got Kikwangie to sneak me in,” he says, sheepishly, “and kind of winged it the best I could from there. Honestly, I thought I was going to go to jail or something because the security guards kept fucking staring at me.”
Hyunseung can’t stop staring at the poster. He looks up just long enough to blink at Junhyung and at everything surrounding them. “What’s with the lights and the snowman and stuff though?”
Junhyung shrugs, looking even more sheepish and doesn’t meet Hyunseung’s eyes (the younger man’s ears turn red and Hyunseung isn’t sure it’s completely from the cold). “Fuck if I know,” he says determinedly looking past Hyunseung’s head.
Hyunseung steps forward, steps closer, wrapping his arms around Junhyung’s neck and pressing their cold lips together (not so cold anymore once he feels Junhyung’s tongue against his own). “Thanks,” Hyunseung says softly.
Don’t be a fool-a dream-like love can turn into a nightmare
You fold your clothes neatly, slowly, taking your time because there’s no point in rushing-you might crease something if you rush and then it’ll be a bitch to have to iron it back out for work. Your eyes fall to the side as your phone vibrates on the bed-Doojoon is texting you, asking if you’re coming over tonight. You bite back the smile and put the shirt that you just finished folding down in your suitcase, unlocking your phone to reply.
Really-it’s not like Doojoon is any better than Junhyung-there’s nothing to compare just like there was nothing to compare when it was Jiyoung and Junhyung, nothing to compare when it was Jiyoung and Seunghyun, nothing to compare when it was Seunghyun and Kikwang. It’s not that one is better than the other all of a sudden-they’re all different and that’s all there is. Doojoon is Doojoon and Junhyung and Junhyung and Hyunseung just doesn’t want Junhyung anymore.
And you’re still friends with Kikwang to this day, aren’t you?
Junhyung should get over himself if he wants to be one of the few that you keep (but you doubt it because Kikwang is different-you knew Kikwang and he knew you before you dragged him into this mess-he’s the only one out of all of them that you actually broke up with before finding someone else because you love Kikwang in a way that’s different-Kikwang is your brother before he was ever your lover).
(You’re glad he has Dongwoon now)
Nothing lasts forever-our story is only up until here
Hyunseung’s eyebrows knit together as he looks up at Doojoon, leaning back against the older man’s chest as they both lay naked beneath the sheets of Doojoon’s bed. “You don’t care?” he asks, confused.
Doojoon smiles faintly. “I mean,” he shrugs, squeezing Hyunseung’s shoulder lightly, “I like you, right? And you’re telling me that he’s a bastard, but if you decided to go out with him in the first place, he can’t be that much of a bastard. I-I don’t know,” he says, starting to sound as confused as Hyunseung is, “just-I guess-I’ll wait, y’know? If you still love him, then you still love him, and I don’t mind waiting.”
“How do you know how much of a bastard he is or isn’t?” Hyunseung narrows his eyes. “You’ve never met him.”
Doojoon raises his eyebrows-that same smile that’s starting to irritate Hyunseung just a bit (a smile that he doesn’t know how to describe other than Yoon Doojoon-only Doojoon has smiles like that-a little mysterious and infuriating like he knows something Hyunseung doesn’t and refuses to tell). “But I’ve met you,” he says. “And I know you wouldn’t stick around and take bullshit from a bastard that pisses you off.”
Hyunseung looks at him. “So?”
“You wouldn’t stick around if you didn’t think he was good enough-in one way or another,” Doojoon says (smiles again). “Right?”
You always cry because of me
Wrong.
I only gave you scars
Junhyung comes in to watch you pack. He sits on the edge of the bed as you kneel in the closet doorway, taking things down from the shelves and hangers. You feel his eyes on your back but you’re used to it-they always watch you pack-as if somehow it’ll change your mind, make you apologize and cry in their arms, as if you’ll suddenly realize all of this is a mistake, as if you’re a toddler who doesn’t know any better than to take someone else’s cookies.
They’re wrong.
Because you do know better.
You know that what you’re doing right now-what you’ve always done-is wrong and terrible and disgusting and inhuman. You know that you’re being a bastard, an asshole, a jackass-bad and horrible and cruel. You know that you’re hurting him-you know how much he’s hurting inside, how much he’s breaking, how much he’s bleeding, how much he’s bruising, how much he’s being cut and crushed.
That’s why you’re packing.
I only made your heart ache
Right?
That’s why you’re doing this anyway-that’s always why you do this, every single time. You do this because they’re always too good for you and you always end up breaking their hearts because you get bored-because you want someone else, because you hate fights and arguments and periods of time when they’re angry at you. You hate having problems-you hate hating the people you love, so you stop loving them and start loving new people.
Right?
That’s what you’re supposed to do, isn’t it?
If you love someone, you’re not supposed to have fights and problems and arguments and issues-you’re not supposed to be irritated with them, angry with them, frustrated with them, upset with them. When those sorts of feelings start, when the arguments start to happen, that’s when you know it’s time to move on and find someone new.
So just leave me
Junhyung can’t be happy if he’s with you.
So you won’t be with him anymore.
I won’t hold on-don’t hold onto me either
Junhyung reels from the force of the book that hits his chest, dropping with a loud thud to the wooden floor of the apartment. He kicks it to the side and harshly steps forward, shoving at Hyunseung’s shoulder. “What the fuck?” the younger man snaps. “It’s your-”
“Shut up,” Hyunseung shouts. “You’re the one who fucking moved my report thumb drive so now I don’t know where it is and I have a presentation-”
“I’ve been telling you for three weeks, every fucking day, to clean up-”
Hyunseung pushes violently at Junhyung, nearly punching the younger man in the stomach. “Fuck you-you’re not going to blame me when you’re the fucking bastard who messed around with my-”
“I told-”
“I don’t care what the fuck you told me,” Hyunseung says furiously, “and don’t you fucking interrupt me when I’m fucking trying to tell you that you don’t touch my work-”
“Hyunseung-ah,” Junhyung shouts. “Jang Hyunseung-fucking listen to me-” He grabs Hyunseung’s wrists in either hand, pinning the older man to the closest wall, pinning their bodies together and closing the distance until their faces are inches apart. “Fucking listen-”
“No, you fucking listen,” Hyunseung snarls softly (dangerously), breath ghosting up against the younger man’s lips. Junhyung suddenly falls silent, eyes stretching, body stiffening. “If you don’t shut the fuck up about whatever shit you told me to clean up and find my fucking thumb drive with the motherfucking presentation on it that I have to give tomorrow, I’m walking out the door and you’re never seeing me again, Yong Junhyung.”
I can’t care for you
Seventy-two hours.
That’s how long you’d worked on that presentation-hardly any sleep in between, hardly any food in between, and you tried your best to hide those two facts from Junhyung (pretending to eat and pretending to sleep, only to go back and work on it once the younger man was asleep).
But you know that that has nothing to do with how you treated Junhyung.
And that’s just one example-a single instance out of far too many.
(Because you very well know that Junhyung had told you patiently and hesitantly every day to clean your things out of the living room since Junhyung had to fix the coffee table sometime soon-you just decided not to listen because you’re you and Junhyung doesn’t deserve to have to put up with someone like you)
Junhyung is just like Jiyong and Seunghyun and Kikwang.
He deserves someone far better than you will ever be.
I can’t protect you
Doojoon doesn’t deserve someone like you either-deserves better.
But you’re a terrible person, so for now, you’re going to be with Doojoon and he’s going to go through the same terrible illusion that all of the others before him did.
The illusion that you always put on-the illusion that makes them believe you’re worth loving.
Why don’t you know that you can only be happy if we’re apart?
You frown, teeth digging into your lower lip as you try again and again to pull back the zipper to the second compartment in your suitcase. It worked perfectly fine just minutes ago when you closed it because you thought you’d finished putting in all of your work shirts-but there was still one that you just found on a shelf that should’ve been just for your sweatpants and sweatshirts.
You sit back against your heels and sigh, wondering if maybe you should just put all of your shit into the same compartment since it’s not going to make a difference when you unpack anyway. It just might be more irritating to have to decipher what’s what and sort them all out again because you hate having to look for clothes when you wake up in the morning. You lick your lips and glare at the zipper one more time before pushing-
His elbow bumps against yours.
You stare.
Junhyung doesn’t say anything-doesn’t even look at you-simply starts working on the zipper as he kneels beside you on the other side of the suitcase.
I’m a bad guy who can’t be satisfied with you alone
“You don’t have to do that,” you say (you hate how dumbfounded you sound).
His hands pause, but he still doesn’t look at you as he says-quietly, “I don’t mind.”
You don’t know what to say to that-you don’t know how you’re supposed to respond and even if you did, you’re not sure you’re capable of doing anything but sitting absolutely as still as possible. If you move, you might worsen the pain that’s shooting through your chest all of a sudden.
(There shouldn’t be any pain because there was never pain before and Junhyung isn’t any different than the other anyhow-in a few hours, he’ll be another one of the others and you’ll be with Doojoon)
I hate myself too
Doojoon frowns. “You’re bringing him to the dinner party?” he asks. “To meet me? Don’t you think that’s kind of-”
“He’s been even more of a bastard lately, okay?” Hyunseung cuts the other man off coolly, rearranging his hair in the window’s reflection as Doojoon finishes re-suiting himself up. The door to the conference room is locked and Hyunseung’s belt is still on the table. “Besides, I thought you wanted to see what he looks like.”
Doojoon blinks, frowning even further. “I mean-I do-but, damn-”
Hyunseung holds the back of Doojoon’s neck and brings their lips together, cutting the older man off as Hyunseung presses up against Doojoon.
No matter how much you beg, it’s over
He finishes fixing the zipper, zipping it back and forth a few times to make sure, before he lets go and pushes the suitcase back towards you. Junhyung stands up and walks out of the bedroom wordlessly.
You watch him leave, watch as he goes to the kitchen, elbows on the counter and head in his hands.
Your eyes fall back to the suitcase-to all the clothes neatly folded inside of it (Junhyung was the one who taught you how to fold a shirt so tightly that you wouldn’t have to iron it-he was the one who nagged you to the point where keeping your clothes neat and organized is now a habit that lets you sleep in at least fifteen more minutes instead of trying to find everything in the morning). You stare at the clothes that are still around you and halfway out of the shelves.
For a split second, you have the urge to take everything out of the suitcase and put it all back.
Love is only something that you can see on TV
Maybe it’ll be for the better if Junhyung is one of the ones that you cut off all contact with after you walk out his door. It’ll be hard because he’s Dongwoon’s best friends, and Dongwoon is with Kikwang and you’re never letting go of Kikwang because he’s your best friend.
But you could probably manage it.
It’ll be better for you and it’ll be better for Junhyung.
So I’m sorry, but this is all for you
You’re almost finished with your other belongings-clothes were finished about half an hour ago and now you’re zipping up the suitcase with everything else-toothbrush, hairbrush, cologne, shoes, hats, scarves, gloves, laptop, books, CDs-just everything else. You’ve finished putting in the DVDs of your favorite choreographers and performers, and you’re about to put in the case for your thumb drives into that suitcase too when Junhyung rushes up to you from inside the bedroom (because you’d relocated a while ago to the living room to move all of your CDs and DVDs).
He slides down next to you on the carpet and holds a large folded piece of paper out-a little bit wrinkled at the edges and worn. You squint at it for a moment-a short moment because it’s something that you don’t have to look at for very long at all to know what it is. You look back up to him. “You keep it,” you say. “You got it and you actually like them too, don’t you?”
“It’s yours,” he says quietly (why won’t he look at you?). “I only like them because you showed them to me-because you danced for me and-I-yeah. It’s yours.”
You frown. “But-”
“Keep it,” he says softly, and hesitantly slips it along the side of the inside of your suitcase.
Don’t ever appear before me again
You run your fingers along the folded edge of the poster and close your eyes.
(You’re glad that he’s back in the kitchen and you’re not facing in his direction because you don’t want him to see your expression)
I love you so much, but you’re toxic to my life
One suitcase is slung across your shoulder and against your back, and another in your left hand. The one in your left hand rolls along the floor as you head for the door, coat zipped, gloves on, hat and scarf on, and car keys jingling in your pocket (phone in your other pocket, with texts from Doojoon waiting).
Junhyung is standing in the doorway, holding the door open for you with his foot. (He still won’t look at you)
You stand in front of him for a moment, wondering if you should just leave without saying anything (since he’s not looking at you anyway-refuses to, apparently).
I don’t need you anymore
You don’t know what makes you do it-what makes you decide after all.
You don’t know why you suddenly reach up, with your free hand, to touch his face and force his eyes to meet yours.
Nothing comes as a surprise really-you don’t find anything in his expression, in his gaze, that surprises you-that strikes you unexpectedly. Everything you knew would be there is there-there’s the hurt, the anguish, the pain, the heartache, the heartbreak, the anger, the sorrow, the confusion-everything. It’s all there.
Nothing you see surprises you.
The fact that you feel something (all of it-hurt, anguish, pain, heartache, heartbreak, anger, sorrow, confusion-everything), the fact that you feel everything he’s reflecting in his eyes is what surprises you.
(But it’s too late now)
It’s because Junhyung deserves better-so much better.
(It’s because you’re scared that you’d let him down-it’s because you know that you’re not an easy person to deal with and you don’t want him to fall out of love with you-so you’ll end it before he will)
You can’t have me-my heart hurts as well
You do something that you’ve never done with any of the others-not even Kikwang.
You lean up to kiss him-a kiss that barely lasts for a few seconds, just a press of lips against lips. “I’m sorry,” you whisper against his mouth before you draw away.
You don’t look back as you head for the elevator.
So, baby, just go