(no subject)
13 year's since I've posted in here wow where has the time gone... well I'm still alive! I can't believe this account is even still going. Hurt's some of the things I read through. And thinking now to this present day how much has changed since. To be honest I am only looking to write again because in all honesty I am struggling and not in a very good place. As always such a great talker... not so I go back to my ways of bottling things up but isn't that what this journal was for anyway. So yeah well I'm back I guess. So alot has happened. I lost my precious dad 19th June 2015 the hurt is unbearable at time's and I still can't believe he's gone nor do I want to believe it but it's life. My gran has dementia and my mum is struggling alot with that all of the care etc needed she does so much for her, so much for us all it's just too much for one person. We have carer's but that's another story. Just aswell my mum has retired.
As for me I am still working in the vet's, all good there. As I said about not being in a very good place ok I have been in a relationship for a long time since 2010. I love Jamie to bits. Recently I read a message through his phone which I absolutely hate myself for I am not this type of person I don't understand why I have become so insecure, ? Jealous maybe, it's so hard to explain. I know he has lot's of friends, female friends too and he messages them alot. I guess for me my brain goes into overdrive about what are they talking about all of the time. When I'm with him I can see he's messaging them still, every day, all of the time. What do they talk about? The message I read he assured me we are 100% solid in our relationship I have nothing to worry about. I accepted that. But at night I still lie awake, worried, feeling sick, feeling insecure. I don't know why I am like this. I feel my chest get tight with anxiety wondering again what do they talk about. What does he watch on tiktok, probably half naked girls. Why am I thinking like this? This isn't me I am not this type of person. How can someone be in a relationship for so many years but it's like I've suddenly woken up to all this crazy shit in my head. Is it in my head? If we don't have trust what do we have. Of course I trust him, I love him. I actually feel so depressed on holiday I pictured my fucking name on a gravestone what the hell!
So yes this is where I am at right now and it doesn't make sense at all. I don't know how to get through this when it's my own mind doing this I am making myself so insecure and paranoid that bad I can't sleep properly and when I do I have crazy dreams about losing Jamie or me not being here at all. It's 621am I have been awake since 4am and before that who knows when I finally slept. I should be at work but I already asked for the day off. I'd be aswell getting up. Maybe a run will help for now.
As for me I am still working in the vet's, all good there. As I said about not being in a very good place ok I have been in a relationship for a long time since 2010. I love Jamie to bits. Recently I read a message through his phone which I absolutely hate myself for I am not this type of person I don't understand why I have become so insecure, ? Jealous maybe, it's so hard to explain. I know he has lot's of friends, female friends too and he messages them alot. I guess for me my brain goes into overdrive about what are they talking about all of the time. When I'm with him I can see he's messaging them still, every day, all of the time. What do they talk about? The message I read he assured me we are 100% solid in our relationship I have nothing to worry about. I accepted that. But at night I still lie awake, worried, feeling sick, feeling insecure. I don't know why I am like this. I feel my chest get tight with anxiety wondering again what do they talk about. What does he watch on tiktok, probably half naked girls. Why am I thinking like this? This isn't me I am not this type of person. How can someone be in a relationship for so many years but it's like I've suddenly woken up to all this crazy shit in my head. Is it in my head? If we don't have trust what do we have. Of course I trust him, I love him. I actually feel so depressed on holiday I pictured my fucking name on a gravestone what the hell!
So yes this is where I am at right now and it doesn't make sense at all. I don't know how to get through this when it's my own mind doing this I am making myself so insecure and paranoid that bad I can't sleep properly and when I do I have crazy dreams about losing Jamie or me not being here at all. It's 621am I have been awake since 4am and before that who knows when I finally slept. I should be at work but I already asked for the day off. I'd be aswell getting up. Maybe a run will help for now.