(no subject)

[hillsie]

Why do my flaws sometimes seem so much more pronounced than other peoples? Sometimes its hard for me to find redeeming qualities about myself. Yea, I know, thats not the kind of attitude someone should have about themself. Don't worry. My self image isn't that bad, but still, I feel like such an idiot right now. I feel like I'm really easily manipulated, really naive, like people can just say and do whatever they want to me because I'll either buy it or just won't have the balls to fight it. I just kind of realized that I've been totally played. And that hurts my feelings because I didn't think someone that cared about me would do that, be so selfish. But mostly I just feel dumb and upset with myself. Why didn't I see right through it? Why did I let it happen? Why didn't I take control of the situation. Which leads me to my other rant. Hi, my name is Hillary and I am a passive,downright spineless person. Eek that sounded bad. But everybody knows it. I fucking know it. Why is it that people are so hell bent on trying to get me to change that? No, I don't like being this way. But I feel like people constantly take advantage of that or belittle me for it. My flaws are my flaws and some things I can't change. I don't know how I got to be programmed this way, but I did. And I struggle with it. And I wish it weren't so fucking obvious all the time.

Note:: I'm not mad anymore. Perhaps I overreacted a little when I wrote this entry. But I still feel like in general my flaws get pointed out more often. I feel like I always get pestered about them. People are always pushing me to not be this way or that. I know somethings about me and my personality aren't ideal, but it is what it is. And it only makes me feel bad about myself or feel like I'm failing when I see those flaws and then they are pointed out to me.