Autumn, Winter, Next Year, Some Year . . .
Amber will be in Cameroon by now. She called Friday before she left. I won't be able to speak to her over the phone for a long time. It hasn't quite hit me, I guess. I should have saved a voice mail or something just so I could hear her voice.
I had a discussion with Niki tonight about friends and relationships and being human. I'm frustrated about a lot of things. About human inability to foster healthy relationships. And I've realized (the hard way) that if you aren't on the same journey, if you aren't always trying to come closer to Christ, all those relationships that you thought were strong, all those people you thought you had chosen--and had chosen you--don't last. They're like broken clocks, ticking one-half beat slower. They grow farther and farther from real time--or each other.
I don't mean to sound so 'cynical', so 'religious' or what you will, but it is the truth. And for the first time in my life, I am not ashamed of the Truth.
Heather wrote an entry yesterday. She quoted something of mine and now I'll quote something of hers:
"i don't know why these thoughts are rumbling in my head. maybe because i was a jerk. maybe because i was so wrapped up in my own illusions and delusions that i missed her. i missed her when she was reaching out so hard. and i couldn't see it until i found myself in a situation where i am reaching out so hard and falling. flat on my face. to the glee of everyone who said so. how did i misread things so strongly?
i'm sick. and that's not helping. but i feel so much right now. and i don't know what to say, or who to say it to, or even if there is anyone to say it to. and yeah that's how it is."
I was talking to Niki about Amber, and I realize now that when it made so many of my friends upset that I latched onto her so quickly, what I never understood, what neither Holly nor Gisela ever understood was that I saw Amber striving. And I wanted all my life so much to be striving for Christ and I did not know how to do it.
My soul is aching right now because I am struggling with something. I'm striving both for something and against something. I fail sometimes, but there is this quote in our rehearsal room at Cincinnati Shakespeare.
No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail Better. ~Samuel Beckett
I had a discussion with Niki tonight about friends and relationships and being human. I'm frustrated about a lot of things. About human inability to foster healthy relationships. And I've realized (the hard way) that if you aren't on the same journey, if you aren't always trying to come closer to Christ, all those relationships that you thought were strong, all those people you thought you had chosen--and had chosen you--don't last. They're like broken clocks, ticking one-half beat slower. They grow farther and farther from real time--or each other.
I don't mean to sound so 'cynical', so 'religious' or what you will, but it is the truth. And for the first time in my life, I am not ashamed of the Truth.
Heather wrote an entry yesterday. She quoted something of mine and now I'll quote something of hers:
"i don't know why these thoughts are rumbling in my head. maybe because i was a jerk. maybe because i was so wrapped up in my own illusions and delusions that i missed her. i missed her when she was reaching out so hard. and i couldn't see it until i found myself in a situation where i am reaching out so hard and falling. flat on my face. to the glee of everyone who said so. how did i misread things so strongly?
i'm sick. and that's not helping. but i feel so much right now. and i don't know what to say, or who to say it to, or even if there is anyone to say it to. and yeah that's how it is."
I was talking to Niki about Amber, and I realize now that when it made so many of my friends upset that I latched onto her so quickly, what I never understood, what neither Holly nor Gisela ever understood was that I saw Amber striving. And I wanted all my life so much to be striving for Christ and I did not know how to do it.
My soul is aching right now because I am struggling with something. I'm striving both for something and against something. I fail sometimes, but there is this quote in our rehearsal room at Cincinnati Shakespeare.
No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail Better. ~Samuel Beckett