Message to my sister, 25 November, 2014
Message to my sister, 25 November, 2014...
In my recent quest to find myself again, I rediscovered this song. I remember we would frequently blare their other songs with the windows down on carefree drives to Sarasota, but this one always resonated the most with me. I love the whites, light blues, soft yellows, and silvers I see, and the hope and wonder I feel whenever I listen to it.
Memories and perceptions from my younger years came flooding back to me.
I feel like I was on my right path to higher consciousness and truth in middle school and high school. Everything was always meaningful and mystical.
I remember when I went to the VNV Nation concert in Los Angeles last April. The lead singer dedicated the concert to everyone there: to those who always felt different from the rest of the world... Because we feel deeply. It was a beautiful moment feeling connected to everyone else who felt the same way.
I just always feel like I'm living in two worlds, the concrete physical one and the metaphorical/fantastical/abstract one of my thoughts and feelings. And that I have so much... energy and power in me that makes me feel both amazing being human but also lonely because I feel like I'm living in a completely different universe. I love exploring my self just as much as exploring the external world, maybe even more so... because there is just so much to discover. I embraced melancholy and pain because I understood those feelings were just a part of life, necessary for growth and for appreciation for the lighter side of existence. And I always had hope and optimism that things would get better, as they always did.
I just was completely neurotic and my soul was full of thorns from part of me giving into what I thought society told me to be and do... that inauthentic part of me was driving the rest of me crazy. It created a wellspring of darkness inside me that was always making my spirit ache. And in college that darkness in me saw the darkness in others, so I was able to understand them but the light in me wanted to help them. Yet in doing so, I was always used and abused by my boyfriends. I always believed in their light, but I was never able to make them see it. And I couldn't accept that until it was too late.
So the thorns dug deeper. I lost myself over and over as I began to internalize being a victim. And so I began needing other people more than ever to love me, to rescue me. Weak, I was too scared to break away to confront my darkness. I actively avoided the initial intense pain that preludes powerful healing. So I suffered and my heart endured lots of hurt.
But I finally realized that, for me, all truth is also fantasy (my dual worlds), not all fantasy is truth... I can't pretend impossible dreams and desires into truth no matter how much I want them to be.
This last week has been really hard for me. Maybe the next few weeks, or even months, will continue to be difficult. But I will be bleeding out my weakness.
I finally rediscovered my inner heroine.
Anyway, I just thought you'd like to know what I've been going through so that when I see you this week, you understand that I am still going through a rapid transformation and may appear to be in a strange place, but that you and the parents should just let me do what I need to do and don't worry about me... even if I end up painting, writing, or reading all by myself the whole time.
I love you.