Grey
"Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too."
~ Pablo Neruda
Finally ended it a little over a month ago. That toxic poison of inseparable pain and pleasure. Part of my heart feels empty and dull.
But I need to pull the thorn out. That was deeply cutting me open from the inside.
I couldn't wait for him, for I could have been waiting forever. Because he never really wanted me.
Now, I bleed.
and bleed.
and bleed.
My love that was not quite fully requited. The highs were pure ecstasy. But the hurt of equal intensity was destroying me.
The price of the vulnerable one whose lover wears a suit of armor.
I deserve to be happy. To have someone who loves me and only me as much as I loved him and only him.
Finally, I am beginning to feel the pain trapped inside me finally leaving.
And light finally enters me from my wounds.
And now I finally get to work on myself now that I am single, for the first time in almost 5 years. It seems as though I have forgotten how to be all by myself. It hurts, sometimes. Not having someone to fall asleep and wake up next to. No one to give my overflowing love. So I have to find out other outlets for my passions. This will be good for me.
But I keep coming back to the feeling in the depths of my heart. What I fear the most is that no one will wear their heart on their sleeves, bare for wounding but full of hope and trust that they will be unscathed. I feel like I am living in a grey world of steel and masks. Emotions repressed, unexpressed. I just want someone brave enough to love and to be themselves, who also wants to grow better each and every day. Someone who loves the colorful messiness of human existence.
There have to be more romantic dreamers still out there, who have yet to and will NEVER succumb to the world's darkness. Those who still live life full of love. Who still have the flames in their heart with gentleness and optimism.